How we plan...

Discussion in 'Staff College and Staff Officers' started by Proximo, Oct 23, 2005.

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  1. BRITISH MILITARY ACTIONS ON ENCOUNTERING A PLAN

    Infantry. Can't read plan but takes it very seriously nevertheless. Fablons plan and issues it on orange card to every man, with Sgts carrying spare plans just in case. Mortar Pl make their own plan, which is heavier, and issue 2 to everyone else in Bn.

    Parachute Regiment. Plans are for Hats. Deploys first on any operation that appears, while everyone else is still writing plans. Jumps, lands in wrong place, taking 50% casualties in ankle injuries and leaving ammunition behind in Colchester.

    Cavalry. Looks at plan but sees arrows and realises plan involves degree of navigation that could be considered constraining to manoeuvre. Opts to drive off at speed until track sheds and then have impromptu Pimms party. Ad hoc plan ruined by lack of Pimms filters. Applies to join AAC as Apache pilot.

    Royal Marines Commando. Pretends to be very laid back about plan and talks about drinking and being naked instead but secretly gets very competitive about plan, using senior Navy men to say plan can only work with Commandos because it requires poise, reach and hoofing wets.

    Combat Engineer. Likes plans. Takes plan and adds whole new bits, with diagrams no-one else understands or cares about. Still adding new bits when plan changes at which point previous work becomes irrelevant. Has a huff and blames Chieftain chassis for not allowing Engrs to keep up with pace of everyone else's thinking.

    Artillery. Also likes plans. Makes very detailed plans, with numbers, timings and smoke. Talks a lot about HE, smoke and last safe moments. Everyone recognises last safe moment was passed as soon as Gunners allowed anywhere near plan. Despite plan all guns just keep firing until ammo runs out. Commanders lucky enough not to have Artillery support feel safe enough to get on with battle and win. Remainder hide under map table until firing ceases then call for ambulances. After firing Gunner officers check all guns are still pointing roughly in the direction of the enemy. Random shots rearward are put down as encouragement to log chain to bring up more ammo.

    Special Forces. Writes plan in pencil on back of "Max Factor Make-up for Boys Compac". Checks for tan-lines and makes sure no-one else has a scooby doo what plan is. Ensures plan is different from one everyone else working to and checks that it will make suitable story for follow on novel on exit from service. Places tape over eyes, can't see plan anymore and gets captured by locals - ideal Chapter for novel only if captors can be encouraged to participate in sexual humiliation.

    REME. Happy to see plan but disturbed by lack of attention to Health and Safety issues. Places yellow warning sign in front of plan (which everyone trips over) and issues COSHH instructions on actions to take if you get plan inyour eye. Reviews plan in light of Investors in People requirements ensuring that all aspects of the plan meet each individuals' medium and long term career development needs in relation to operational objectives. Forwards to RAC / AA Breakdown service for action.

    RLC. On encountering plan immediately looks for Annex on sustainability. If one is present immediately guffaws at lack of detail and doubles all timelines. If not present, stays silent to avoid having to write one. Says that plan depends on key enablers (chefs, posties, small round blokes with clipboards and Penfold glasses) and demands doubling of logistic staff to carry out plan. Goes off for double lunch.

    AGC. Receives plan in envelope, opens it and sticks it at bottom of huge pile of paperwork which includes MMA and Missed Meals claims.

    Royal Signals. Uses plan to bolster rather poor profile by incorporating term J6 everywhere. J6 becomes hugely important without anyone knowing why. J6 reps with J6 plan appear everywhere but stay strangely silent during any meaningful discussion. If questioned J6 rep sucks teeth and says 'Bandwidth' before sinking back into silence. Non-J6 types begin to wonder whether weedkiller can halt J6 spread, but J6 mutates into J6/DBM and grows faster. Plan stays silent and prevents close scrutiny by exuding streams of 1s and 0s to deter investigation.

    Army Medical Services. Doesn't like plans because they always involve cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of contradiction and has to get TA doctors in from NHS to sort problem out.

    Intelligence Corps. Looks closely at plan and assesses its relevance to resurgent Russia. While studying, plane flies into Old War Office. Survivors spend huge staff effort working out how to predict when planes will be flown into buildings. Libyan ship with all Irish crew crawls slowly up Thames unnoticed.

    TA. TA declare parlous state of Army means they are more important to plan than ever. Army agrees, cuts them by 30%, spends money on operational welfare package telephones and then cannibalises their kit to get ready for operations.

    RAF. Copies plan onto leg, gets in to aircraft, takes off and then finds leg can't be seen because of joystick. Decides to use initiative and at 20,000 feet starts looking for enemy tanks. Succeeds in finding tank looking remarkably like Chinese Embassy and misses it. Relieved as pilot in aircraft behind, who can see leg, gets Embassy while aiming for nearby Air Defence site. Both fly back and complain about noisy air conditioning in hotel room and lack of streaky bacon on breakfast menu.

    Royal Navy. Only Captain grown-up enough to plan. Everyone else sits at brightly coloured screen pretending to know what plan is. Captain goes to bed early and other officer, not knowing plan is 'not to sail on rocks', sails on rocks. New plan devised called how to sell ship with no bottom to Third World Country whilst fitting in a run ashore in Gibralter and visit by Nell McAndrew .

    Joint Helicopter Command. Draw up plan to get 360 helicopters into air With 400 flying hours. Each time plan close to approval another helicopter crashes. Come up with plan to prevent helicopters crashing but plan and author lost in helicopter crash. Decision taken to undertake urgent review of design of flying suits (pockets / zips / velcro / badges etc.) in light of alarming increase in helicopter crashes based on low pilot morale / "pilot error."

    Defence Logistic Organisation. Looks at potential for plan to offer 3% efficiency measures. Finds none but cuts by 3% anyway. Concludes that most sensible plan involves not buying anything, listing this course of action as 'bearing risk', and then investing in risk management courses. War declared and funds rapidly diverted into courses on Red Face Management.

    Whitehall Warrior. Only interested in plan if it is 'strategic'. Declares strategic plan is most important but can't be bothered to get off bum and write one. Everyone else starts to plan while waiting and by time strategic plan eventually gets written everyone has decided what they are going to do already. Whitehall Warrior then stresses need for strategic plan in next DOC audit and goes for coffee in Starbucks.

    So how much do you recognise?
     
  2. Think that just about covers all the bases, Darth... although I think due consideration should be given to one particular branch - namely Junior Officers ;) who take plan with all enthusiasm, run around attempting to enthuse NCOs with plan, decide to modify small detail of plan in order to impress the CO, but are then found to have altered the small detail of "Mission" :D

    and

    Prime Minister. PM is wonderfully positive about NEW plan, which gives more Value for Money than old plan. Hasn't actually READ the plan, but continues forcefully, cuffing plan as he goes. Recognises slightly too late that plan was utter bollox, seeks to win back favour by re-designing old plan into future-proof newer plan! Continues ad nauseum

    Ghost
     
  3. Uncannily accurate?
     
  4. I forgot...

    RMP. May actually be involved in creating plan, if COS lets them. Gets very serious about plan - OCs are heard to use phrase 'This is our opportunity to get some good PR'. As H Hr approaches, RMP LCpl reverts to type, arrests all the key players in implementing the plan for walking on the grass outside HQ, and berates everyone who will listen for 'not respecting the authority of the Provost Marshal'. Case handed to SIB who inevitably fcuk it up after following ALS advice. Plan goes ahead and no RMP are on hand to assist with Phase 4 operations.
     
  5. You missed out NATO - see following from my post of 2 years ago:

    NATO - COM (4*) Calls Command Group meeting to decide wording for 'tasker' on J5. J5 issue warning order for Operational Planning Group, which is only attended by J6 (see Sigs above) and J4 (see RLC/DLO above). J5 issue outline plan to subordinate commands with required by date of the day before yesterday. Subordinate commands work like beavers to produce plan which is understood by all, only for it to be cancelled by politicians because the French have complained at being left out (again)! SSgt running J5 admin raises travel orders for all staff to attend planning conference in Bahamas anyway! (NATO = Need Another Travel Opportunity, hence Never At The Office.)


    You also missed out 'Coalition' - or is that an oxymoron??
     
  6. We PLAN? There's a thing.
     
  7. Also see Blackadder Goes Forth...

    PSML :lol:

    Ghost
     
  8. Army Medical Services. Doesn't like plans because they always involve cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of contradiction and has to get TA doctors in from NHS to sort problem out.

    Spot on - except ALL the Doctors and Dentists are leaving and do not want to be the next Eddy Stobbart clan !!!
     
  9. Not sure if this one has been posted before (search function not working at the moment), but:

    How the Military Deals with Snakes

    Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

    Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes bestseller "Python Two Zero".

    Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

    Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed.
    Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas told they do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government
    Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

    Adjutant General: Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
     
  10. *muppet double post*
     
  11. Don't you mean...

    and

    as well as

    and, of course

     
  12. Territorial Army Takes enthusiastically to plan, which covers activities only on Tuesday nights and weekends. Plan gradually goes awry as key instructors cannot attend all required dates and fail to notify their under-studies. Plan eventually fails after four weeks and everyone goes back to moving tables and chairs to and from the stores.
     
  13. Plan? What Plan? There is a Plan? Where's the course for Plan?
     
  14. RMPHave special affinity to snakes. Collects all known snakes in area and hand to SIB They consume large sums of Vote XXIV on forensic resources but are forced to let them go after review by Army Prosecution Service who doubt veracity of St Patrick as independent witness and rules all snakes must be released as they are, in fact, just very large earth worms.