How to treat a woman.

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by allyjs, Aug 3, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Just been sent this in a e-mail by a mate of mine (don't think its been on here before).

    How to treat your women…….

    1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This
    will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

    2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
    If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
    will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

    3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
    are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

    4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she
    is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This
    will show her you care.

    5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
    her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
    every girl needs some improvement.

    6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when
    she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
    jewellery is for pussies.

    7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she
    is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other
    girl's ass. Girls love competition.

    8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she
    thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire
    yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and
    now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When
    she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean
    over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

    9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
    special nicknames.

    10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

    11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket,
    because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if
    you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be
    complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

    12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
    bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
    party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all

    13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
    Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

    14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
    minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home
    and you can use your arms for more important things (like football).

    15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back
    on and go make me a cup of tea".
    If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back
    within 3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent
    biscuits (or any combination of the above) tell her that it's over until
    she learns to make better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself -
    give her the chance to do so.

    16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
    self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
    down desires to be.

    17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or
    anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way,
    she'll go crazy.

    18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt
    and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
    that speaks for her.

    19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
    love a spontaneous guy.

    20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it
    (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking

    21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no,
    it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at
    her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

    22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

    23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
    This way she'll think you're mysterious.

    24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
    material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is
    that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she
    can ever get.

    25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
    whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
    she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
    present visibly sticking out of the bin.

    26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
    promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This
    will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that
    you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really
    excited, then don't call.

    27. If you're ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country
    with your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When
    the bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push
    her off (if she falls over it's a bonus as she is less likely to be able
    to re-board said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange
    place with no way of getting home.... What an adventure! And will also
    teach her to never say your relationship lacks 'spice' again.

    28. If you ever get caught by your girlfriend in bed with another women,
    and she gives you the look of astonishment, shock and disbelief, just
    say "This is exactly what it looks like", this will make you look like
    an honest man and woman love honesty in their men.

    Some useful tips I believe :p
  2. I've been trying these on the mrs, for some reason she is now suffering from a total sense of humour failure. I don't understand it.
  3. I dunno where your going wrong with these surefire hits to woman success.
  4. For some reason no 7 seemed to really p1ss her off. She's talking about leagle advice or something?
    Do you think I should just tw@t her round the back of the head with a GS shovel?
  5. Yeah, or a claw hammer either one should provide silence to any legal advice ideas of hers.
  6. So all the time I was chortling at the local civvy scrotes and it turns out they're all doing it right.
  7. thank feck.

    i thought you were actually on about a real treat like a new iron/kettle/etc......................
  8. How to treat a woman? Formaldehyde works, although the purists stick to salt. Alternatively, if you're after a trophy, leave them in the smokehouse for four hours and the hide peels off a treat.
  9. as Dale is without t'interweb at the moment,she has asked me to politely inform you that you are wrong,its all bollocks and you bunch of cunts are quite welcome to go along and discuss it and kiss her arrse at any time you choose,at your convenience!

    PS don't shoot the messenger :D
    PPS wankers
  10. Years ago I went in for a Kareoke contest when pi**ed and said I would sing the Richard Harris standard 'How to fondle a woman'.
  11. I would love to kiss dales arrse.