HOW TO SIMULATE ARMY LIFE

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by The_Remover, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. Got this from an American contact, so its a touch lightweight!




    Want to be a soldier, but really don't want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it's like to be a soldier...



    FIELD LIFE
    - Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

    - Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower. Dig a hole in your back yard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

    - Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come by, compliment you on the fine hole you've dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else.

    - Always dig a hole next to the hole you're living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time you move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and mark it with a "Foul Ground" sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you're not looking. Dig in that exact space in 1 month's time.

    - Collect a jar-full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitoes. Pour them down the back of your shirt.

    - Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your back yard and have your neighbour give you one per day until they all go rotten and have to be thrown out. Watch your neighbour eat as many as he wants, because he's non-tac.

    - If it doesn't rain, turn on the sprinklers.

    - If you're incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don't sleep at all that day, even though there's nothing to do.

    - Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are. Even though there's nothing to do.

    - Cook your meals in your shaving mug. Eat everything cold. Buy food with instructions in Yiddish, so it never turns out how it should.

    - Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, sit around for two hours, glad you ate everything in 3 minutes.

    - Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

    - Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters -- or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer to gain the same effect.

    - For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometres without stopping. Wear a poorly fitting backpack with fifty-five kg of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

    - When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days or until it is hard and stale. Alternatively, put grated carrot, pineapple and tomato on everything so your bread runs down your arm like a liquid.

    - Have one meal a week served to you floating in it's own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.