HOW TO SIMULATE ARMY LIFE Want to be a soldier, but really don't want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it's like to be a soldier... FIELD LIFE - Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. - Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower. Dig a hole in your back yard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five. - Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come by, compliment you on the fine hole you've dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else. - Always dig a hole next to the hole you're living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time you move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and mark it with a "Foul Ground" sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you're not looking. Dig in that exact space in 1 month's time. - Collect a jar-full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitoes. Pour them down the back of your shirt. - Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your back yard and have your neighbour give you one per day until they all go rotten and have to be thrown out. Watch your neighbour eat as many as he wants, because he's non-tac. - If it doesn't rain, turn on the sprinklers. - If you're incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don't sleep at all that day, even though there's nothing to do. - Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are. Even though there's nothing to do. - Cook your meals in your shaving mug. Eat everything cold. Buy food with instructions in Yiddish, so it never turns out how it should. - Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, sit around for two hours, glad you ate everything in 3 minutes. - Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time. - Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters -- or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer to gain the same effect. - For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometres without stopping. Wear a poorly fitting backpack with fifty-five kg of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way. - When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days or until it is hard and stale. Alternatively, put grated carrot, pineapple and tomato on everything so your bread runs down your arm like a liquid. - Have one meal a week served to you floating in it's own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way. GARRISON LIFE - Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. - Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one ceremonial uniform and wear it for 20 minutes on the whim of some crusty old guy who yells at you. - Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, have somebody tell you that you're not entitled to it. Walk away without recourse. - Have your spouse whine about how you're always on deployment. Get her to put on 20kg and wear your PT army shorts around in public. Take away her makeup and leg waxing strips. - Whenever you're bored, get drunk. Be bored often. - Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together, even though it hasn't been used. - Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job "easier". Say "yes sir" and do it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way. - Repaint your vehicle every month, whether it needs it or not. - Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years or until your wife leaves you and you lose everything. Have your application for re-posting accepted a year after she leaves. - Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new. - If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn't need cleaning.