How to shock, amuse or amaze and team build at the same time

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Jim_Research, Jan 7, 2008.

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  1. How to shock, amuse or amaze and team build at the same time

    From my memoirs

    I once saw the following enacted in a NAAFI in a land far, far away and copied it with great success.

    The scene. NAAFI or cookhouse, groups of persons, eating drinking chatting, joshing, usual general riotous behaviour associated with the lower deck.

    The action. Apparently drunken mate approaches his group, staggers into a chair and is met with much loud banter (attracting attention of those at other tables and the bar)

    The newly arrived member then announces “…waah, I’m gonna puke…” and amid much calling for Hughie vomits a stream of steaming stomach contents onto the table.

    At this point the rest of the group whip spoons from their top pockets and begin to eat the pile of steaming semi digested mush.

    Result: Much disgust or laughter or general mayhem. I actually saw someone visit vomitsville at the sight of this spectacle.

    The trick revealed. Of course careful P&P required. All must have a spoon. The ‘drunk’ buys a cup of hot soup or prepares a hot noodle or similar and hides this in his sleeve or somehow. The puke is actually the perfectly fine hot soup or noodles which the drunkard tips onto the table as he makes the appropriate vomiting noises which some of us have practised and experienced.

    Give it a try. Works especially well if the Orderly Office is in range.

    Note: Cross referenced to ‘Why I didn’t get commissioned.’

    edited to add: vegetable soup works best (loots of lumps)!!
  2. The half melted mars bar in a pint of pi'ss routine.

    1. Hide a pint of warm lager in the bogs.

    2. Take bets from nigs at the bar that you won't eat your own shi't and drink your pi'ss.

    3. Take empty lager glass to the bogs and hide it, remove the warm squidgy mars bar from your pocket, squidge it a bit to resemble a turd before taking it out of the wrapper and place it in the lager. Any head on the beer will disappear on contact with the fatty chocolate.

    4. Return to the bar, remove the chocolate comestible turd gingerly from the glass and eat it with relish then drain the beer in one.

    5. Collect your winnings and due respect from the gullible lizards.

    The downside:

    Old lags will nip to the bogs and nick your beer replacing it with real pi'ss.
    You'll never shag the barmaid again.
    Pads wives will cease to invite you for Sunday dinner.
  3. So what you're saying is that it's a Win-Win situation? :)
  4. cernunnos. Excellent, turd in a pint ! never seen that one performed but as you say always a downside and of course its a once per posting activity.

    And the next one please....step right up.
  5. I find that Heinz Potato Salad pre-loaded in an RAF standard sick bag on a Herc, and forks stowed in top pocket ready for the post simulated vomit attack meal, gets the Loady going a funny shade.... it certainly stops him/her wandering up and down in front of their army 'live cargo' tutting, looking concerned and tapping bits to get their 'passengers' worried..... I think that look takes up most of their training to perfect.

  6. Try the Heinz Russian Salad that used to inhabit horror bags...It is far more realistic. Got very hard stare from the CO when I pulled that one as a subby. He was either thinking "Damn thoughtful jape, this means promotion..." or "Christmas ROO? Cuddles!"

    What do you think?
  7. Nice variation on the veg soup. I doubt if I will ever fly sideways again with Crab Air but agree your closely observed remarks on the behaviour of Load masters (or is loadpersons now)? I was similarly unnerved in the Wessesx taxis with the blue job apparently muttering to himself as he posed in the open doorway, until someone pointed out that he was in fact talking to the pilot through a throat mike - cunningly concealed beneath a neat cravat.