How to reply to a "Dear John" letter..

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Bravo_Bravo, May 9, 2005.

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  1. Who knows if this is real but it made me laugh...

    A Marine stationed overseas recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

    Dear Ricky,
    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us Is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

    Love, Becky.....

    The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he Had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

    Dear Becky,

    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

    Take Care, Ricky
  2. Oh, I flucking love that!!

    Top style, good lad! I've had some bad ones, but I can't even touch that one for sheer class!
  3. On similar theme:

    Weeks stag in Templer House O/P, Belfast, mid 80's.

    One of our happy few had so many GF's on the go and wouldn't share so we decided to save him the endless house writing letters. We swapped envolope contents to three lasses following a days frantic pen action.

    Feck me those dear John's winged their way over real fast. He had no idea how it happened, still brought him downa peg or two. Ended up wed to some bible basher in the end.... sorry mate.
  4. RTFQ


    There's two ways to reply to a dear john letter. One I've done, the other I'm going to do the very next time I get one.

    Method One: Open Bluey, read, go to corrimec and cry like a girl while you play "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead really loud so no-one can hear you wibble. Wangle a 96hr pass and go straight to her house to confront her. Realise it's midweek and that she's at work. Hang around Guildford like a lemon until she gets back. Confront her while she's on the phone to her mum so she can usher you in (as if she was expecting you) and you can sit on her sofa watching a silent Fresh Prince of Bel Air while she continues a 20 minute conversation about shopping and her aunt Celia's back trouble. Wait til you pride is completely shattered then tell her you'll do anything to get her back. Let your bottom lip wobble like 5 year old boy in a tantrum for added effect. Throw a hissy when she asks you to leave and declare that you sh@gged her sister two weeks after you both got together. Get phone call from her sister while on the train to your bezzer and get called "a sh1t stirring cnut." Arrive at bezzer's house and remember he's at BATUS. Break into his garage and sleep amongst his garden tools and your shattered dignity.

    Method two: Take letter, take her cat and nail both to her front door with your bayonet.
  5. i told my last one.

    Dear *****
    i only dated you on the rebound from my last relationship and needed a hole to plug, yours came along so i just pretended to love you to get it and to be honest you was a shi.t shag i fancied your sister instead.
    Semper :twisted:

    i would never beg, it's so indignified if i didnt do anything wrong,

    i wish i had thought of the photos :lol: that would really pee her off
  6. He should have sent one of her chewing him off to her Dad :D

    I got a far more nasty form of a dear john as a teenager.

    I was dating or attempting to date as much as Junior Leaders Regt lets you a chick from my own hometown.

    She wasn't a stunner but I was spotty and had no shoulders so she was ok for a 16/7 yr old lad to practice on.

    I spent my 3 weeks leave introducing myself to Dry Blackthorn cider, gobbing off to doorman and generally behaving like a dick..... somewhere in there featured Miranda.

    On the train south back to Bovington it dawneed on me that I had treated her like a chimp and if I wanted any letters, or the promise of a jump in another eight weeks I'd better be nice to her.

    She soon got the measure of me and by the time I returned I took it upon myself to knock on her door as the letters had dried up.

    The selfish whore had moved house and not let me know..... she even left instructions with the new owners that should I call the forwarding address should on no account be given.

    I saw her a few years later shackled to a plasterer and a couple of bin lids... I couldn't help snigger to myself and think 'That'll teach you' and I kid you not I'm sure one of the kids was blind...if not it had fcuked up eyes.....

    Moral of the Story : Bin MDN and have spazzy offspring! :D
  7. Sorry BB i saw that one on a MASH episode a few weeks ago. Still it's a quality Dear John reply and one we should endorse to every squaddie who has been shat on!! :twisted: :twisted:
  8. I have to admit this one is not mine - it may not even be true, but it made me laugh.

    Bloke does the dirty on his girlfriend just as she sets off for university. She retaliates by getting spit-roasted during freshers week and sends him a polaroid of the act with "Missing you already" written on it.

    Boyfriend opens envelope with said polaroid in it smiles to himself, puts it in another envelope which he then addresses to her parents........................ :lol:
  9. Best come back that i heard was in a pub when some bird had dumped her boyfriend infront of anyone.

    Lad to lass: Yeh well i might be upset right now, but this time next month i wont even remember your name.

    The fact all her mates were there made it better.
  10. Haha these are all comedy gold, I love the spitroast polaroid :D
  11. Come on RT, don't keep us in suspense......which one have you done?? :lol:
  13. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    Thank you for sharing. Do you have to shout?
  14. Shagged a bird just before I joined up. Tried to keep in contact but her Mum hated me (I took her daughters cheery and she found out) and trying to see a chick from Leeds when you are in Bassinbourne/Farnbourgh it's quite hard. Arranged to see her on my first Christmas leave. She didn't turn up. Was up in Leeds a few years ago with a new girl friend who was a lot better looking than the ex. Was on a bus with new bird when ex came on with her mates. She sat behind me, twigged who I was then fcuked off at next stop. What's the matter love, don't you like being traded in for a better model?
  15. How about:

    *Delete where applicable…

    Dear *Honey/Babes/Darling.

    I’m sorry you no longer require me as your * toyboy/professional escort/stud but, hey, thanks for all the good *times/blowjobs/betting tips.

    By the way, the sex was *mind blowing/mind numbing/non existent. If only your cnut was as tight as your arse.

    Still, I’ll never forget the sex we had last *night/week/month/year. The Doctor says the infection shouldn’t flare up again unless I’m really stressed and then it’s back on the antibiotics, I’m afraid.

    You did get that discharge checked out, didn’t you? It might take the ‘special’ clinic some time to work its way down that list of recent ‘intimate contacts’ that I gave them. Still, at least you’ll have both your best friends for company when you go. Oh, and your sister. I know she only did oral but you never know… better safe than sorry.

    I s’pose a goodbye blow job would be out of the question then, eh? Maybe your Mother might oblige again…? This time she can keep her teeth in.