How to recreate OP TELIC in the UK


1. Get your missus to hold three hot dryers on you all day and throw cat litter at you.
2. Lay in a pool of water whilst sleeping
3. Eat salad every day
4. Drink 8 bottles of water a day.
5. Do your washing and loose a different item every day
6. Have a w*nk 3 times a day
7. Drool over every ugly bird you see.
8. Wear a wet t shirt every day.
9. Put your oven on and open the door every ten minutes and put your face in it.
10. E bluey yourself but lose them when you get them.
11. Get diarrhea after 2 weeks and $hit for the next 5 months
12. Sleep in a softee 20 and a fleece every night.
13. Adopt a stay mangy dog.
14. Get it put down by the vet.- Cry.
15. Drink bottles of hot water.
16. Read 3 day old newspapers
17. Smoke Malboro fags
18. Send yourself parcels full of melted chocolate.

Got anymore folks?
19. Whilst sitting with dryers blowing hot air etc, read quotes from MoD in 3-day old newspapers about how the troops have everything they need.

20. Arrange for local asylum seekers to visit and alternately thank and sling abuse at you.

21. Do not live in your house for half the year, but continue to pay Council Tax on it.

22. Arrange for your local shop to regularly run out of everything useful, and charge the world's highest prices for everything.

23. Get the postman to hang on to all your letters for 2 weeks, and bin one in 5 of them before delivering them.


You get post Op blues after you get back - not while you're there, GH.

20. Sleep for 14 hours a day- (St Piran.)
21. Have 3 sachets of salt with every meal.
22. Get under a sunbed twice a day.
23. Tip sand into every item of clothes prior to wearing.
24. W*nk 5 times a day (St Piran)
26. Go for a shower and invite 20 other guys to come and share it with you. Watch out you don't drop the soap now!!
Pompey - I saw a few chaps from 3cdo in the shower using powdered soap. It's some sort of Naval tradition, use powdered soap and it takes much longer to pick up if you drop it.
Mushroom, cheers for the tip with all these male nurses and other hospital tech trades around it may not be a bad thing!! Although there are a few of us to shower and that may only prolong the shower time for them and shorten it for the remainder of us.


27. Pour warm salty water over yourself all day.
28. Recreate the scene from Ace Venture 2, when he trapped in the plastic rhino and pulls his damp sweaty y-fronts off.
29. Do all your washing by hand in boiling water.
30. Make sure you never cool down all day at anytime.
31. Sit by a white box, pretend its a broken air con unit.
32. Eat your meals beside a dustbin, so as to get that genuine "Flies with everything" garnish
33. Get your employer to either persistently pay you the wrong amount, or not at all.

34. (TA RAMC & QARANC professionally qualified personnel only) Write lots of anonymous letters to 'The Daily Telegraph', complaining about how, although intelligent enough to pass medical/nursing exams, you failed to understand the link between becoming a reservist and being mobilised. Ensure the letters are peppered with threats to leave, but then fail to do it.
41. Leave the hoover running in your bedroom at night to simulate the generator noise

42. Annoy the missus by throwing the crockery in the bin after every meal
45. Close all doors and windows in any room in your house, turn the heating on fully, install as many fans as you can. Gat a bag of builders sand from any DIY shop, park yourself in a chair turn on all the fans and throw the sand one instant hot sandstorm.
47. Take the toilet roll with you when you have finished in the toilet. When the misses goes next she will be left in the same predicament that we are out here.


48. Dont flush your loo for 1 week at a time to simulate the $hit suckkers out here, oh and turn the air con when they do!

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