How to move on

#1
in january last year a week before my daughters birthday and the day after i was mobilised to go to iraq my partner of 5 years decided to split up with me. She had met someone else and "couldnt deal with me going through another tour in the middle east". So for the 6 weeks leading up to me leaving she led her life and me mine both of us trying to keep any sign of our differences from our beautiful daughter.

i managed to keep a tight grip on my feelings until i left as i wanted to see as much of my little one as possible before i left as i wasn't so sure i would be coming back, at least coming back in one piece. I wanted as many memories as i could cram in to take with me and treasure. My "ex" constantly gave me a hard time and tried to make me leave what had been our home to make it easier for herself. I was adamant that as long as i was paying the bills i was staying.

I then left and despite promises by her that she would stay in regular contact and send me loads of pics of my daughter. In the 7 months i spent in iraq i received 2 letters and no pictures. Having no contact with my child was the worst part of my time out there. i had even left my pc for her to use and paid for broadband so she didn't incur any additional costs.

On my R+R i spent a brilliant 5 days in wales with my daughter and friends before returning back to the front line.

i finished the tour despite having a few scrapes and returned back to the UK more or less intact. After a few hesitant few days my daughter treated me as if i hadn't been away. relations with me and my ex were strained and awkward.

within a few weeks my ex had asked me to get back with her but though for her a long time had passed for me "real life" had been on pause. for me her actions and treatment of me were still fresh memories. I wasn't ready to go back and forgive what had happened so i said i needed time.

i have supported her financially on a number of occasions since my return and have spent a lot of family days out with her and our daughter. I have spent a lot of time with her helping her with decisions she had to make and dealing with her problems. We were getting on quite well and she had remarked on how good it was we were friends again.

She informed me earlier today that she was seeing someone and thought i should know. She said it has been almost 2 years since we were together.

My question is this how do i move on from this? I haven't forgiven her for the way she destroyed our family and am afraid of losing my daughter. i am also terrified that another man who i don't know now has access to my daughter and i cant protect her.

All my friends say fcuk her and move on but its not that easy.

i know many people have been relationship breakdowns and have children. So how do i adapt to what has happened and how do i move on?
 
#2
Fus....once may be a mistake...frustration...call it what you will...and all of us make mistakes. Twice (withing a relatively short time) is just rubbing your nose in it. You know the answer! Get a family solicitor and do what you know has to be done. Best of luck.
 
#3
Mate,

I don't know you but you sound as if it's been a sh1t time and I suspect writing that was quite difficult.

You move on when you believe it's right to do so.

You obviously love your daughter and I bet she thinks the world of her dad and that's the most important thing right now; making sure she is looked after and feels loved and safe.

The ex has also gone through a change which, for whatever reason, didn't include you. Get out now but make sure you both make it as easy a process as possible. Remember, it's your daughter who will remember the fine details of who said what.

All I can offer is to wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you and your daughter.
 
#4
My parents divorced when I was in my mid teens, they'd been living in the same house but not together for years, trying to sort things out. But in the end the random phone calls from women asking for my Dad (who claimed they were work collegues) meant mum decided to move out.

From what you say you and your wife have tried, sadly her feelings have changed, theres no easy way to split from someone but from a childs point of view you need to do your best to remain civil as mwa said your daughter will remember everything better than you (I still remember my dad telling mum 'he had space in his life for her' after she told him she still loved him but didnt feel a part of his life anymore - dad has no recollection and mum swears she told him she no longer loved him).

Other than that get a good lawyer, and dont let her walk all over you. Its sounds like whatevers happened you deserve better.
 
#5
Moving on. Easy phrase. Different for everyone. From my experience don't ever give up on your little girl, you're always going to be her father, just try to make sure you're always her dad. No matter what her mother tries to do, and how difficult she makes it , the time will come when she comes looking for you. Never forget a birthday or Christmas, push to see her either on or very close to special days. It hurts like hell some days but as long as she knows you care for her and that she is a very important part of your life the end result eventually produces a happy secure and loving adult child.
 
#6
F.U.B.A.R

I went through the same kind of thing, make sure you have a good solicitor behind you, she cannot stop you seeing your Kid, and dont worry about any other man around your child, at the end of the day your her dad and nothing can take that away from you, if your Ex has any brains she will play the game, it does get better as time goes on.

Chin up mate things will get better.
 
#7
Because you are a Unmarried father you need to acquire parental responsibility for your daughter there are several different ways, depending on when our daughter was born to apply for this

For children born before 1 December 2003, unmarried fathers can get parental responsibility by:

marrying the mother of their child or by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court
registering a parental responsibility agreement with the court or by an application to court
For children born after 1 December 2003, the situation is different. Unmarried fathers can get parental responsibility by:

registering the child's birth jointly with the mother at the time of birth - this is now quite common and many parents choose to do this
re-registering the birth if you are the natural father
marrying the mother of their child or by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court
registering with the court for parental responsibility


you can down load the form here LINK

Have a postive attitude and sort out the parental responsiblity agreement with the mother of your daughter first , when you come back home . Take one step at a time and try not to worry ,
,
 
G

Goku

Guest
#8
daniel said:
For children born before 1 December 2003, unmarried fathers can get parental responsibility by:

marrying the mother of their child or by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court
registering a parental responsibility agreement with the court or by an application to court
For children born after 1 December 2003, the situation is different. Unmarried fathers can get parental responsibility by:

registering the child's birth jointly with the mother at the time of birth - this is now quite common and many parents choose to do this
re-registering the birth if you are the natural father
marrying the mother of their child or by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court
registering with the court for parental responsibility
Another copy and paste job Chubb?

Why do you do it?
 
#9
Goku what sad **** ,Who are you picking on now
That as got to be the most best ******* laugh of the century
Goku if you are so obsessed with my auntie give £50 TO THE POPPY APPEAL AND I WILL SEND YOU DOWN A G STRING OF HER'S :D
 
#10
Feel for you , Pal. Feel for you.

This is probably the hardest decision you have ever had to make until now.

Run, dude. Run like the wind.

She obviously knows you have feelings for her. Don't ever, ever, substitute your feelings for your daughter for hers. It might be diffucult in the next few years to see your daughter, but believe me, it is possible.

Like the previous posts said, get yourself a good lawyer. She admitted to seeing someone else and you admitted she destroyed your family. That in itself is good cause to head for the hills.

There is love and life beyond all that is going on in your life right now.

You might say to yourself, "these people don't know what is in my heart. I still have feelings for her."

Let me tell you , mate. Love hurts. All you need to do is be stronger than her. She can grab you by the balls but only if you let her. That is exactly where she wants you. Beat her at her own game.

Whatever you do, old boy, don't let her play you like my ex did me.

Play it smart and play it wise. People lose feelings for each other and sometimes the love of their life (or whatever it is they have in common) is the only thing forces them together. Don't let that be you.

She was ruthless in abandoning you when you went to the sandbox.

It is time for payback.
 
#11
I hate to say this but it really is true, time is a great healer. Once you have hit rock bottom when you claw your way back up again you will be stronger and more in control. Your daughter will always be your little girl even if you dont see her for a while and believe me if her mother uses her as a pawn eventually she will grow up and realise this....then you will have your justice! For now you just have to grieve the loss of the relationship with your wife and let go.
 
B

Biscuits_AB

Guest
#12
You'll naturally do what's best for your kid mate, but FFS, don't forget that you are entitled to a life as well and you only get the one. Move on, make sure that your daughter knows that you'll always be there for her, and it goes without saying that you'll keep regular contact. Don't dwell in the past, keep the split as amicable as you both can, but every now and then just put yourself first. There's no harm in it. It's not selfish either.
 
#13
DD you astound me with your wise words!! fusilier50 listen to what has been said and don't go down the bitter route. You just end up hurting yourself, your daughter and losing your dignity.
Hang in there mate.
 
#14
M8, served with you for the last month or so of telic 8(Gengis).
You have some good mukkas at your TAC they know you better than I, listen to them and trust them.
Our kids are the same age, from the way you spoke of your nipper she's luck to have you.
Put you ex to one side and concentrate on you and your daughter and remain civil.
pm me if you want I dont live far from you if you want a beer.
 
#15
Mate , I went through much the same thing years ago. First, see asolicitor. A female, pref. Agree to terms beforehand with ex (child suppt, visitation) to cut down expense and angst. Then have it signed. Do NOT count on or trust any gestures of co-operation or good will from her. They could be rescinded w/o warning at any time unless in print and signed/witnessed.
As for the emotional issues, sounds like she's a classA c.unt, and you're better off. Living well and happily is the best revenge of all. Best of luck.
 
#16
Get a good brief, listen to what he says and get the legal side of things squared away straight away. You will probably save yourself a lot of future expense and heartache if you do this now. Keep your cards close to your chest until you're ready to play them and don't give your ex any indications that you are getting things on a legal footing.

Plan to cut that selfish bitch out of your life (but be subtle and let her think she is using you and has no reason to hate you) and stay close to your kid. If you play your cards right you might get the best of both worlds...
Imagine a scenario where you lived 5 minutes from your daughter and got to see her every day. You could watch your child grow up and be there for her but still enjoy a batchelor lifestyle as a single man; coming and going as you please and getting pissed and shagging around whenever you feel like it.

As for the unlucky sod who is now shacked up with your ex, just talk to him quietly and explain to him where you have been and what you did there and how many good friends you still have from that time.
Let him understand that the only difference between Basra and Blighty is that in Basra there are ROE. If he's intelligent he'll work this out for himself without you needing to spell it out.
Probably he's an ordinary decent bloke who'd never dream of harming a kid anyway.

Make a good plan and see it through. Don't let anger or emotions get in the way when you deal with your ex - she probably wants your cash and might be happy to use you as a baby sitting service - or even hold you in reserve for a rainy day - so it shouldn't be too hard to manipulate her.
Good Luck.
 
#17
Lot of good sense being said, I have been sperated for 2 years and no going back.
Get a good brief (as has been suggested) you will soon find out who your mates are too.
We (wife and I) still talk to each other, so what I would say if you can get through things amicably it will make it so much easier.
Time is a great healer so good luck in the future.
 
#18
Fus mate you have had a very tough time and I wish you all the best mate. I would just add that in my experience bin any ideas of revenge or game playing it just prolongs the agony.

As others have said get a legal plan for access to your kid in place and concentrate on your little girl and being a brilliant Dad. That will heal you.

Being mates with your ex is great but make sure that leaves you space to move on, there are lots of nice women out there.

This will all seem very different in 6 months and ancient history by this time next year. Easy for me to say I know but you will get through this and be better for it.
 
#19
advice from someone who has been through the mill on this - be harsh cold and calculating right now, as otherwise you will spend thousands playing catchup.

Its not clear to me whether you are still living with her?

If so, then what you want to do, is persuade her to move out temporarily to look toward her new life with this bloke, while your daughter stays with you -then as soon as she is out apply for a residence order in your favour since she has left and abandoned.

if you arent living with her at the moment, then try to agree a shared residence order, that your daughter spends a significant amount of her time living with you (not necessarily half, but it has to be significant, and it has to mean properly living in your house as well as mums, rather than living with mum and visiting you, this leaves you with equal status) NOW while things are still amicable.

get legal advice, you'll need it and better to spend some money on it now than ten times that in the future)
 
#20
labrat said:
Its not clear to me whether you are still living with her?
when i went to start my build up training the locks on the house were changed,she'd removed my name from the lease and everything i owned that she didnt want was paced in binbags waiting my collection, so you could say i'd moved out 8O

i really appreciate everything you have all said on tis thread. it has helped me put things in perspective. i was very very angry for a time there.

she has taken my girl to her BF in yorkshire for a week. i hate being so far away from my kid but will get used to it.

through that now. moving on i hope.
 

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