How to look after the wife

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by maccabonga, Aug 13, 2011.

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  1. In the world, one single rule applies to the men: "make the woman happy". Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

    Here is a guide to the point system:

    SIMPLE DUTIES
    -- You make the bed (+1)
    -- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
    -- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
    -- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
    -- In the rain (+8)
    -- But return with beer (-5)
    -- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
    -- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
    -- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
    -- You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
    -- It's her pet (-10)

    SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
    -- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
    -- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a work mate (-2)
    -- Named Tina (-4)
    -- Tina is a dancer (-10)

    HER BIRTHDAY
    -- You take her out to dinner (0)
    -- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
    -- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
    -- And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
    -- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

    A NIGHT OUT
    -- You take her to a movie (+2)
    -- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
    -- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
    -- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
    -- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
    -- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

    YOUR PHYSIQUE
    -- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
    -- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
    -- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
    -- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

    ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
    -- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
    -- You hesitate in responding (-10)
    -- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
    -- Any other response (-20)

    COMMUNICATION
    -- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
    -- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
    -- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
    -- She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
     
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Excellent and soooooo true!
     
  3. Boring and sooooooooo wrong.
     
  4. Women = cunts. End of. And yes, I may be having some marital difficulties at the moment. Satan's daughters, all of 'em. Sent to taunt us with their furry front bottoms.