How to complain!


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter
of the year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify
these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial
installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an
entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to
arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom
by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you
are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation
then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two
weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and
begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly
35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
ba***rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Did they get the contract for APC?

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