How to complain!

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Fang_Farrier, Nov 15, 2005.

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  1. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter
    of the year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
    complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
    up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
    previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
    monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
    you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify
    these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
    entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
    and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial
    installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an
    entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to
    arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
    your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
    telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom
    by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you
    are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation
    then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
    bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two
    weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls
    over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and
    begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly
    35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
    I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
    mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
    variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
    bollock jugglers.
    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
    call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
    back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
    telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
    transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
    informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
    someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
    woman...and several other variations on this theme.
    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
    thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
    those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
    care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
    print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
    if I continue.
    I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
    god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
    disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
    their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
    anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
    considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
    ba***rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
    incompetents of the highest order.
    British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
    success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
    inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
    foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
    cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
    services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
    - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
    quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
    I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
    tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
    your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
    desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
    posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
    experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
    very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
    Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
    irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
  2. Did they get the contract for APC?