How to become an MP?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by fltpilot, Oct 18, 2012.

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  1. [Note: This would have gone into Current Affairs, News and Analysis but i want the real view from the man in the street!]

    Is their a tried & tested way on becoming an MP?
    Of course i want to serve the local community & those that elect me.
    But also the expenses that i can claim, 2nd home & dodgy deals etc.
    And get to call the Police plebs without getting nicked!

    Today i announce my intention to stand at the next election for the ARRSE Party.
    • Like Like x 2
  2. You should start off by getting your nose in the Council trough and then working your way up from there.
  3. Hear, hear!!!
  4. If you're circumcised then you're barred from have to be a complete prick you see.
  5. You have to sacrifice a score of children at the altar of Margaret Thatcher, before offering Eric Pickles/Colm Keveaney/Nick Clegg/Bad CO a variety of sexual favours.
  6. Round my way the norm seems to be…

    Become member of local Con Club

    Get on Committee

    Stand for election as local councillor with support of Committee
    (Remember, when campaigning, you're not 'unemployed', your 'currently looking after your ill wife' and you don't repair old bangers on the side, you 'restore classic cars'.

    Get elected as local councillor
    (By pure coincidence, when local councillor, the council gives you brand new build 3 bed detached house on the estate you push through development committee)

    Stand for County Council
    (You can now claim gazillions in expenses, enough to run a Daimler Double Six)

  7. Join UNITE, grease some palms, worked for Ed Balls and numerous other Labour MP's.
    • Like Like x 2
  8. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    [serious hat\]
    People wishing to stand as an MP must be over 18 years of age, be a British citizen or citizen of a Commonwealth country or the Republic of Ireland.

    Candidates must be nominated by ten parliamentary electors of the constituency they wish to stand in.

    Authorisation is required to stand for a specific party, otherwise candidates will be described as independent or have no description.

    In order to encourage only serious candidates to stand, a £500 deposit is required when submitting the nomination papers - returned if the candidate receives over five per cent of the total votes cast.

    Certain people are disqualified from standing as an MP - please check the Electoral Commission website for further details.

    [serious hat /]

    All you need do is find 10 Arrsers where you live to sign the nomination papers, find £500.00 and Robert is your mother's brother.
  9. Will there be any cake at this ARRSE party?
  10. pretty much spot on for the tories...however for labour the route is...student union, proper union, and don't, for fucks sake, pick up any independent thinking along the way. For the Libdims the route is not so clear but involves a love of cats, socks with sandals and an inability to make up your around here anyway.
    • Like Like x 3
  11. Wordsmith

    Wordsmith LE Book Reviewer

    Entirely wrong so far.

    The first stage of becoming an MP is to go for an operation to remove all sense of personal ethics.

    How can you get your snout in the trough and claim all expenses going if you still have the vestiges of a conscience?

  12. I'm amused by the whinging about MPs. We're the pricks who elect them.
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Bingo!

    I would add that with previous experiences in NI and currently in Tower Hamlets, it's worth having a slack handfull of thugs in black leather jackets, never out of season sun glasses and access to local curry houses where you can hold meetings helps ease the strain.
  14. Almost there J

    The real sequence is:

    • Go to Oxbirdge to study PPE
    • Whilst there, get involved with the local activists. Sufficient brownnosing to the local MP is encouraged and joining the paramilitray youth wing is essential
    • When you've graduated, get an internship with some some no-mark Deputy Assistant PPS and brown nose and network like you life depended on it (it does!)
    • You'll be offered a job as a SPAD at the ripe old age of 22.
    • Work you way up the greasy SPAD ladder, until you get to someone who actually is listened to.
    • Throughout your SPADship, write sycophantic pieces about The Leader in every colunm, article and interview you have. Your arse-kising will not go un-noticed
    • When some aged old tosser (The incumbant MP) in that Nice part of the Country you fancy living (for 6.5 days a year) bumps into you in the House's bogs, remind him how you have The Leaders ear and only yesterday he was commenting abot how much more we need a loyal and supportive voice in the Lords.
    • Get yourself a nice square rig and from 2000ft, parachute yourself into said 'Nice part of the Country's' potential parliamentary candidate meeting, as the current MP has decided not to stand at the next election, for Tea & Bikcies. Don't worry it's a formality, you already have the job.
    • Come the next General Election, unless you've been caught sucking off kids or had your collar felt by Knacker with a Kilo of Charlie in your car, you'll be elected due course as the Member of Parliament for Nice part of the Country

    • Like Like x 1
  15. But when all those hoping to to be elected are Major Party pricks, is kinda narrows down your odds of not getting one.

    The majority of the independants and fringe parties are even more unstable and crooked than the big three's.