How to become a bestselling author

Discussion in 'The Book Club' started by mistersoft, Oct 25, 2006.

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  1. You do need to be prepared to find the occasional distasteful item if you undertake to sort jumble for the Castlebridge Conservative Association. Marjorie Davidson, a veteran sorter of over two decade’s standing had taken to wearing latex gloves after a rather unpleasant experience in 1992. She was just checking the pockets of a huge green codpiece when a sudden gasp from Miss Elliot made her look up. Hanging out of a newly opened heavy-duty bin bag was an arm. The arm was connected to a body and to a familiar face.
    ""Fcuk a stoat"!" It's Angus Saunders from the Cross Keys." Gasped Miss Elliot. "We must call an ambulance, get a Doctor!"
    "I’m afraid that it's a bit late for that," said Marjorie, wrinkling her nose a little at the smell. "But you're right, it's Angus Saunders. Now that’s odd, when I was in the Post Office on Wednesday I'm sure that I heard An ARRSE moderator tell Mrs Able that Angus Saunders had gone back to Manchester for a while. I rather got the impression that they had gone their separate ways."

    Angus Saunders and An ARRSE moderator were newcomers in Castlebridge, for the last three years they had been running the local pub and it was rumoured that their relationship was a stormy one. They had been heard rowing in the pub after hours and even under the table.

    "I can’t help thinking that Angus Saunders must have been the victim of a rather frenzied attack with a frozen bratwurst. Look at that enticing mark on the nipple. Quite unmistakeable," said Marjorie matter-of-factly.
    "Ah, Inspector Brierly, this is Marjorie Davidson here, I’m afraid that we have a bit of a situation down at the Old Digby Hall. I wonder if you could possibly come down quite urgently."
    "Oh Miss Davidson, now there is a coincidence, I was just on my way down to see if you could shed some light on something a little odd. We pulled a large garden rubbish bag out of the Castle Lake this morning, postman spotted it, could be a body he reckoned; wasn’t of course - now what do you think was in it?"
    "Well, of course! Oh dear me yes, a quantity of clothes I imagine, maybe other personal items?"
    "Now how on Earth did you know that?"
    "Well, in the heat of the moment you know, it's very easy to get flustered. I did it myself, last week, when that large hamster suddenly appeared at my kitchen window. It gave me such a turn, ended up with the milk bottle under the sink and the floor cloth in the refrigerator, most unhygienic. The bags, you see, they must have got muddled up."

    Just created this using Authormatic, software for creating a bestseller. Available HERE to try.

    Apologies if this has been posted before.
     
  2. Interesting


    "Harriet Spoonmonger was found Laundromat. There was no doubt about it Harriet Spoonmonger was dead! The body was naked except for the Colostomy Bag which looked expansive in the moonlight.

    Suddenly a sound shattered the calm and before they could jump aside it was on them. It was a minute Toad and this Toad sure was mean looking.
    "**** you very much" shouted Carol. "Where the hell is Tony when you need him?"

    Tony scratched his Cocyx. Something had caught his eye, it might be nothing, but on the other hand, what was the Bikini Wax doing here Laundromat? Poor Harriet Spoonmonger, what a way to go..
    Tony was shaken out of his musings by shouts coming from where Carol and her team were working..
    "Get over here quick, Tony" shouted Carol, "a mean Toad has just attacked our fibres expert, Lee Van Poofter."

    Carol wrestled the Toad to the floor and found a name tag round its neck bearing the name Harriet Spoonmonger. "What’s going on Tony?"
    "Carol," said Tony, "by the look of the minute injuries sustained on the body, especially those to the Cocyx area, I would say that the victim’s death was caused by the Bikini Wax I've just found. Harriet Spoonmonger was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have had a series of murders in this area - each body has been left wearing just one piece of clothing. The Colostomy Bag left on this latest body completes the set. The killer has been building an outfit - one item of clothing per body. Clothes are very important to this person, I think that the killer might have been connected in some way to the fashion industry. Could be a frustrated designer."

    "What about this Toad with the name tag? Why did it attack Lee Van Poofter?" asked Carol.
    "Because Carol, this Toad was a witness to the crime and recognised the killer!"
    "But how can we know that Lee Van Poofter is the killer?"
    "Two things Carol. Firstly, Lee Van Poofter is left handed and this is a left handed Bikini Wax and secondly, if you look closely at the Bikini Wax it says, 'this belongs to Lee Van Poofter'.
    "Brilliant", sighs Carol.

    THE END"
     
  3. mr soft was found public library. There was no doubt about it mr soft was dead! The body was naked except for the kilt which looked good in the moonlight.

    Suddenly a sound shattered the calm and before they could jump aside it was on them. It was a tiny orang utang and this orang utang sure was mean looking.
    "what the deuce?" shouted Carol. "Where the hell is Tony when you need him?"

    Tony scratched his left testicle. Something had caught his eye, it might be nothing, but on the other hand, what was the rubber chicken doing here public library? Poor mr soft, what a way to go..
    Tony was shaken out of his musings by shouts coming from where Carol and her team were working..
    "Get over here quick, Tony" shouted Carol, "a mean orang utang has just attacked our fibres expert, Batfink."

    Carol wrestled the orang utang to the floor and found a name tag round its neck bearing the name mr soft. "What’s going on Tony?"
    "Carol," said Tony, "by the look of the tiny injuries sustained on the body, especially those to the left testicle area, I would say that the victim’s death was caused by the rubber chicken I've just found. mr soft was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have had a series of murders in this area - each body has been left wearing just one piece of clothing. The kilt left on this latest body completes the set. The killer has been building an outfit - one item of clothing per body. Clothes are very important to this person, I think that the killer might have been connected in some way to the fashion industry. Could be a frustrated designer."

    "What about this orang utang with the name tag? Why did it attack Batfink?" asked Carol.
    "Because Carol, this orang utang was a witness to the crime and recognised the killer!"
    "But how can we know that Batfink is the killer?"
    "Two things Carol. Firstly, Batfink is left handed and this is a left handed rubber chicken and secondly, if you look closely at the rubber chicken it says, 'this belongs to Batfink'.
    "Brilliant", sighs Carol.

    THE END
     
  4. walter waltingham was found at the local paintball emporium. There was no doubt about it walter waltingham was dead! The body was naked except for the stripey trousers which looked arrsing in the moonlight.

    Suddenly a sound shattered the calm and before they could jump aside it was on them. It was a massive aardvark and this aardvark sure was mean looking.
    "bloomin ada" shouted Carol. "Where the hell is Tony when you need him?"

    Tony scratched his testicle. Something had caught his eye, it might be nothing, but on the other hand, what was the uzi 9mm doing here at the local paintball emporium? Poor walter waltingham, what a way to go..
    Tony was shaken out of his musings by shouts coming from where Carol and her team were working..
    "Get over here quick, Tony" shouted Carol, "a mean aardvark has just attacked our fibres expert, the butler."

    Carol wrestled the aardvark to the floor and found a name tag round its neck bearing the name walter waltingham. "What’s going on Tony?"
    "Carol," said Tony, "by the look of the massive injuries sustained on the body, especially those to the testicle area, I would say that the victim’s death was caused by the uzi 9mm I've just found. walter waltingham was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have had a series of murders in this area - each body has been left wearing just one piece of clothing. The stripey trousers left on this latest body completes the set. The killer has been building an outfit - one item of clothing per body. Clothes are very important to this person, I think that the killer might have been connected in some way to the fashion industry. Could be a frustrated designer."

    "What about this aardvark with the name tag? Why did it attack the butler?" asked Carol.
    "Because Carol, this aardvark was a witness to the crime and recognised the killer!"
    "But how can we know that the butler is the killer?"
    "Two things Carol. Firstly, the butler is left handed and this is a left handed uzi 9mm and secondly, if you look closely at the uzi 9mm it says, 'this belongs to the butler'.
    "Brilliant", sighs Carol.

    THE END
     
  5. The Christmas Rectum

    Nobody down at the station was expecting THAT Christmas present. This year, like every other, they all put in a small gift, wrote names on pieces of paper and drew out the corresponding present.
    "What did you get Sarge?" Asked Carol.
    "By the power of greyskull! Gov, You'd better take a look at this." There was a severed rectum and a note, which read, 'You're next.'
    Gordon Brown, who was very drunk and was attempting to remove and photocopy the duty solicitor's clowns trousers, started dancing round the photocopier shouting. "Anyone lost this rectum?"
    "Not funny, Gordon Brown", said Carol, "okay everybody, party’s over.."
    "By the power of greyskull! It's Tony B Liar's rectum," gasped young Bill (Old Bill's son), "I'd know that Massive rectum anywhere."
    "Tony, can you take a look at this," said Carol, "this Massive business is top priority. Any ideas?"
    On closer inspection Tony finds a small part of an airfix modeling kit stuck to the rectum.
    "Humm, If I’m not mistaken, this is the rear tip of a 1942 Lancaster bomber, these little bits stick to anything but what they're supposed to. Looks to me like our killer used a modeling table to lay the body out on."
    "What can you tell us about the killer Tony?" Asks Carol.
    "Age, between 45 and 60, bit of a loner or trapped in a bad relationship, needs to be in control but feels like everything is falling apart. You’ll probably find the Vaginal Speculum used to kill Tony B Liar is, like as not, back in its place in an 'Ikea' storage solution. Also, the killer spends much of their limited spare time on a small clockwork tricycle. Losing the rear tip of the Lancaster could be what tipped them over the edge.."
    "Any idea what the this individual does for a living?" askes Carol.
    "Police officer"
    "Are you sure?"
    "Quite sure, if you look at the note you’ll see that it is written on police internal memo paper from this very station!"
    "Young Bill," says Carol, "go and get that newly trained police Chutney Ferret, it’s time to put it to the test."
    The Chutney Ferret went straight to Gordon Brown and indicated strongly that this was the killer.
    "How on earth?" said Young Bill.
    "Simple, it's the smell of the airfix glue," said Tony. "It never goes away"
    "You’ll never make it stick!" shouts Gordon Brown.

    THE END