How To Be a Republican

Some simple rules for supporting Bush et al..

1] Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton
2] Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and VietNam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
3] The United States should get out of the United Nations, although the highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iran.
4] A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
5] The best way to improve military morale is to praise troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and soldiers' combat pay.
6] If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
7] a good way to combat terorism is to belittle long-time allies, then demand their co-operation and money.
8] providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and Insurance companies have the berst interests of the public at heart.
9] Global warming and tobacco's links to cancer are junk science, creationism, however, should be taught in schools.
10] a president lying about extramarital affairs is an impeachable offence, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defence policy.
11] Government should be limited to the powers named in the constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.
12] Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are a conservative radio host, then it is an illness and you should pray for his recovery
13] What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980's is irrrlevant.
14] hunters who shoot friends should be supported and the friends blamed for wearing orange vests similar in colour to those worn by quail.

okay, so they aren't all gems of wit.. anyone got a similar list for how to be a Democrat??
I'll admit some were pretty funny

Here's my democrat list:

1) The best way to improve the economy is to tax and impose limitations on succesful industries

2) If we throw money at black people, maybe they'll leave us alone

3) The low employment rate in rural areas has nothing to do with the limitations we put on the logging, fishing, and agricultural industries

4) There's no problem a tax increase can't solve.

5) The best way to deal with violence is to just walk away, even when it stabs you in the back later.

6) I went to Harvard, I don't have to listen to you soldier!!

7) We cannot censor television, radio, or cinema, but videogames are not free speech

8 ) Smoking ciggarettes is a bad habit you should feel guilty about, but if you kill someone while on meth, that's a disease and is not your fault.

9) The military should not be able to recruit in schools, or malls, or even in recruiting stations.

10) The criminal rights are more important than victims rights.

11) Man on pumpkin sex is a perfectly natural act that should be taught to children (Stole that one from Jon Stewart)

I'll work on it
The below shamelessly plagiarised.



You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic

You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.

You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

You consider the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.

You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.

You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

You think the black middle class is a myth created by Republicans.

You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Ronald Reagan is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.

You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.

You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.

You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam."

You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5.15/hr.

You utter the phrase "There ought to be a law" at least once a week.

You have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".

You find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said it right" during an episode of Oprah.

You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.

You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too bad a shape.

Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Phish show, but your not sure what year you saw them.

You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating that your bags are subject to inspection.

You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".

You've referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".

You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Sadam Hussein would have folded like rookie poker player.

You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Womyn's Studies."

You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women of this country!"

You blame things on "The Man."

You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.

You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.

You've ever called the meter maid a fascist.

You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.

You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling."

You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this important."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget cuts."

You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.

You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.

You feel that Greenpeace is misunderstood.

You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any bearing on doing his job?"

You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.

You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.

You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.

You would rather have Bill Clinton make your investments than Fidelity.

You've never had to worry about marginal tax rates.

You have to use the term "mean spirited" in every sentence when talking about welfare reform.

You actually expect to collect Social Security.

You got teary eyed during the film "The American President."

You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.

You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.

You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.

You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.

You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.

You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.

You know at least one vegan.

You think that the Teamsters are misunderstood.

You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard).

You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heros.

You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.

You actually think that poverty can be abolished.

You admire the Swedish welfare system.

You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.

You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

You want to know why we don't offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn't that what public schools are for?).

You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a "colored person."

You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names.

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were only willing to redistribute their wealth.

You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot" or "Nazi".

You support diversity, as long as others agree with you.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "you hypocrite".

You answer to "No One".

You support PETA and Greenpeace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb, and wear leather garments.

You protest your neighbor clearing their yard of weeds.

You only let your kids watch PBS and listen to NPR.

You scream at the thought of agreeing with a Republican.

You've argued that Western values are no values.

You agree that all the world's problems can be traced back to white Anglo-Saxon men taking advantage of others.

You really think that guns kill people. Not people kill people.

You've ever said "reduce paper, save a tree".

You donate money because it makes you "feel good".

You don't mind contributing 4 months of your salary to the government. You're only sorry it can't be more.

You think people who make above minimun wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You ever said, "differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "war toys."

You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, a vibrator, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You can't write or speak the word "he" without following it with, "or she."

You think the phrase, "separation of church and state" is contained in the Constitution.

You think Michael Moore makes good documentaries.

You think organically grown vegetables are worth the higher price.

You think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists...

You think the New York Times is fair and balanced, but Fox News is ultra right-wing...

You think homophobia is a far worse social disease than herpes.

You speak out on the "evils of corporate America" but spend a great deal of your time at Starbucks.

You think anyone who doesn't find Will & Grace funny is a homophobe.

You look at Yassir Arafat as a "man of peace".

You think that Bush is a flip-flopper, but Kerry is the epitome of consistancy.

You're proud to be a Democrat and pass these jokes on to your Democrat friends...



You're proud to say you're part of the right wing conspiracy.

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

The only union you support is the baseball players, because heck, they're richer than you.

Your hero growing up was Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties.

You think trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You believe global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

You think being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're despise the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

You believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

You think God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

You believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

You're for prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

You think "bipartisan" means Democrats should compromise on something.

You still think James Carville is one scary human being.

You think "abortion doctor" is an oxymoron.

You've never met a tax cut you didn't like.

You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"

You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.

You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon imaginable.

You actually believe that people own AK-47's for "hunting purposes"

You have faith in "trickle down economics"

You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the least.

You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.

You're proud to be a Republican and pass these jokes on to your Republican friends...



You dream of starting your own country

You either love Miss Rand - or think all her followers are robots

You think the market can take care of everything

You know at least one person who was a Republican before they got busted

You define government as "organized force" on your poly sci exam

You know the difference between a "big L" and "little l" libertarian

The very thought of dope-smokin' gun-totin' wife-swappin' atheist Ayn-Rand-worshippers running the country gives you a warm feeling in the cockles of your heart.

You hate politicians so much that even if they tell you they lied, you don't believe them.

You're pro-choice on everything

You'll vote against a policitian who wants to abolish the IRS because he's against decriminalizing pot.

You're favorite Austrians aren't really from Austria.

Even seat belt laws make you angry.

You think that politicians should be limited to two terms. . . one term in office and then one in jail

You're proud to be a Liberarian and pass these jokes on to your Libertarian friends...


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