"How to be a Chav" lessons in school

#1
Firefilly, who endures the rigours of the State Childminding System, has music homework tonight. This entails writing a rap on the glories of our local town (which has singularly little to recommend it), each of the 8 verses to contain at least six lines. And no swear words.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to assist in the composition of an ode to an uninspiring patch of concrete set in a rural wilderness. Said town's amenities are a few cr*p pubs and a small leisure centre. And a racecourse which periodically disgorges drunks of differing states of emotional well-being.

I had wondered vaguely about taking inspiration from Maurice Minor and the Majors. You may recall "Stutter Rap" contains the immortal lines

"I'm down at heel and down on my luck
and I'm living on my own and dying for a ffff-
friend to say 'you're great....'"

Should you all fail to assist me I will be writing the following in her Daybook "Neither Firefilly nor I can see any educational merit in emulating a means of self-expression which is the only preserve available to the lowest intellectual and social common denominator".

Then, when in due course, I am hauled in to explain why I am being so unsupportive of the school, I shall go in wearing heels which take me to over six foot, full punk make-up and PVC. They'll take a long time to recover : :twisted:

Ah, our glorious education system - over to you!
 
#2
Well, I don't teach music - or poetry, but I do understand the concept of living in a town that is an uninspiring patch of concrete set in a rural wilderness. I used to live in Slough. Bombs did not fall while I was there, though it remains unfit for humans now.

I live in a town that's all concrete
With Jamie's dinner I am quite replete
Everywhere there's kids with lice
Everywhere there's rats and sometimes mice
I'll draw myself up to my full height
And announce to all "This town is shiXX.

Someone else can do verse 2.
 
#3
Firefilly says "thanks for that" :lol:

I'm having slight difficulties in viewing Sluff as being set in a rural wilderness - round these parts there's nowt but cow sh*t and silage, we're a loooooong way from the Great Metropolis.

Right, come on you lot, I need some serious angst :D
 
#4
Unfortunately, whilst I'm Upper Middle Clarse
My finances fell on their Arrse,
It pities me then
To have to say,
My son's at a Council School by day
And that's six lines
Way!
Yeah, six lines,
Bitch!
 
#5
I'm a single mother
Living in this hole
Making a living
Dancing round a pole
It's a hard life, no ifs, buts or maybes
But I gotta have the munnee to feed me little baybees
 
#6
My teacher is got her PGCE at a poly down the road,
She says she's Viro Bono's bitch but she leaves tracks all down the pole.
If we weren't in this hell hole,
She could be at a decent skool,
Where Bono wouldn't feck out teachers,
and we'd play by the rools.
 
#7
I went to school to learn to be smart
the teachers clearly forgot that part,
im writing lyrics for some ignoramous
who in his spare time would quite like to harm us.
next week we'll learn unemployment and beggers
but Im not too worried I plan to be preggers!
babies are great they get you free stuff,
so come on then darrel gimme your stuff!

Apologies to your daughter but rap is the preserve of chavs and benefit fraudsters.
 
#8
This town is a malodorous pit,
my wrists I am inspired to slit,
It's natives defy versification,
And they seem to bear the scar of Gamma radiation,
They rarely are moved to bathe,
And should be ploughed into a gaping mass-grave.
 
#9
i like my teacher she is a hunny
Shes on the game to make more money
Got long vacations and teacher training days
All the PE teachers are fucking gays
Can't get a hiding for being a div
The PTA are all smoking spliffs


MM a m m m a
chikka chikka chika

One time

<humane berk box impression >
 
#10
I'm only thirteen and I'm tough
Three bitches, they're all up the duff
"Work hard" - yeah really, my arrse
I just need my Buckfast and grass
Cos the State gives me more than enough
 
#11
Waynetta had been down the buroo
As the fortnightly giro was due
Into the shop she did stride
Leaving the pushchair outside
As she purchased a brand new tattoo!
 
#12
My mother's a stupid old bat
"You shouldn't have opened your tw@t"
She's the one that is dumb
As a young single mum
I get me a free council flat
 
#13
Here is one I did in a moment of misery upon returning to the central belt of Scotland!

Slack-jawed woman pushing chair
In a fugue half-life
Sullen slouch and unwashed hair
On the streets of Fife

How can she be happy here?
Is she someone’s wife?
Or television panacea
To escape the streets of Fife

The strutting youth is without fear
He knows he has a knife
Life to him is not held dear
On the streets of Fife

Empty cans that once held beer
Littering is rife
Nature’s silence not heard here
On the streets of Fife

Not even enough space to breathe
We need a better life
The only way to change is leave
The sorry streets of Fife
 
#14
MrPVRd said:
My mother's a stupid old bat
"You shouldn't have opened your tw@t"
She's the one that is dumb
As a young single mum
I get me a free council flat
Oi!!!! These 5 liners are sullying the purity of the genre! We're getting into limerick territory here!

Keep 'em coming - they'll all be sent into school as examples of the voice of the people! :D

Come on Cuts, MDN - I need your input!

(Bet they don't hear that very often :wink: )
 
#15
MrPVRd said:
Here is one I did in a moment of misery upon returning to the central belt of Scotland!

Slack-jawed woman pushing chair
In a fugue half-life
Sullen slouch and unwashed hair
On the streets of Fife

How can she be happy here?
Is she someone’s wife?
Or television panacea
To escape the streets of Fife

The strutting youth is without fear
He knows he has a knife
Life to him is not held dear
On the streets of Fife

Empty cans that once held beer
Littering is rife
Nature’s silence not heard here
On the streets of Fife

Not even enough space to breathe
We need a better life
The only way to change is leave
The sorry streets of Fife
Christ, that reminds me of home! No wonder I wanted to get out of that godforsaken hellhole. Excuse me, I'm just off to slash my wrists so I never have to go back there....
 
#16
This is more of a punk song. Not my own work i'm afraid but it does reflect upon where i live.

This song goes out to my good friends,
Especially the ones I had before the Grammy nominations in 2003
And all the girls from back in high school,
Who actually spoke to me,
Even though I was a fat kid and a marching band geek.

I hope this song finds you well.
And I hope that you're doin’ fuckin’ swell.
I hope that you’re back up if you've ever been down.
And I hope that you got the fuck out of our hometown.

Here comes a shout out to the professor,
Who said "Son pick a path and stay the same, cause charisma is the key to opportunity"
And to all the clubs that let us play.
To our family and friends and the music stores,
For giving us gear when we couldn't pay.

I hope this song finds you well.
And I hope that you're doin’ fuckin’ swell.
I hope that you're back up if you've ever been down.
And I hope you got the fuck out of our hometown.

You know I can't count how many times I’ve heard people say (heard people say)
“Be proud of where you're from, you're gonna put us on the map”
But where the hell were you back in the day, (back in the day)
No one came to see us,
So we got the hell out of there.
So there you have it.
t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t

This song goes out to my big brother.
For putting up with me following you around.
And making me smile when things at home weren't great
And not getting pissed when I humped your girlfriend
For letting me take your car to the prom.
For beating up the guys that hung my bike in a tree
For hand-me-down down albums and guitars with no strings
For never beating the shit outta me

I hope this song finds you well.
And I hope that you're doin fuckin swell.
I hope that you're back up cause I know you've been down.
I just wish you'd get the fuck out of our hometown.
I hope you get the fuck out of our hometown.
I'm so glad I got the fuck out of our hometown.

You know what I’m talking about don’t ya?
Damn it!
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#17
The homies in this hood,
Am all jus' snitches,
Not a man amongst 'em,
They jus' a bunch o' bitches.
Try an' chat me up and down,
And send me for a loop,
None of them's an Arrser,
Don't even want ma' hoop !
 
#18
Heres a couple of verses for you.

Depends if you like Amphibrach Dimeter or simple rhyming couplets

This place really gets me down
What ever possessed my parents
To want to move to this crappy town
Perhaps the cheap rents
Turned their brains into mush
Or maybe my dads just a lush



There is sod all to do
Except drink and sniff glue
Every day is the same never anything new
So we drink and sniff glue
Perhaps I will go down the centre and meet with my crew,
Once more we can drink and sniff glue.
 
#19
They don’t have a patriotic bone in their body


Would halve difficulty linking Nelson to Trafalgar and Lt Col Collins to Iraq, think Churchill is sadly a car insurance company and the local cenotaph is somewhere cool to write your name


The War of the Roses was something that happened after a night drinking White Lightning on a wall in their council sink estate before terrorising some poor OAP by destroying her garden, sadly the furthest place from her front door where she used to feel safe


They have never been to the theatre


They wouldn’t know what the national anthem is let alone stand up for it


Their favourite program is Trisha

The countryside is the piece of grass outside their house where their latest 'uncle' keeps his car engine collection and a handy place to let their dog roam free on for 10 minutes a day to crap


They are proud of the images they upload THEMSELVES onto www.chavscum.co.uk


They have a profound distaste for culture, manners, car tax & insurance, cutlery and our once great country


Courage is something they exercise when there at least 5 of them, honour & duty may well be a new game for their playstation for all it means to them


They sit on their fat arses crashing into each other in appallingly modified Novas getting rich from whiplash claims, and benefit fraud, made all the easier by the no win no fee adverts on our dumbed down tv


I take you forward 20 years when these have spawned their own filth, preferably by the now acceptable multi-father system, what role models as parents will they be?


What state will we, as a nation, be in?


If ever there was a new target in the war against terror my friends these are they… as they say on the range… ‘At the target in front, go on …’

 
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