"How to be a Chav" lessons in school

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Firehorse, Jun 15, 2005.

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  1. Firefilly, who endures the rigours of the State Childminding System, has music homework tonight. This entails writing a rap on the glories of our local town (which has singularly little to recommend it), each of the 8 verses to contain at least six lines. And no swear words.

    Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to assist in the composition of an ode to an uninspiring patch of concrete set in a rural wilderness. Said town's amenities are a few cr*p pubs and a small leisure centre. And a racecourse which periodically disgorges drunks of differing states of emotional well-being.

    I had wondered vaguely about taking inspiration from Maurice Minor and the Majors. You may recall "Stutter Rap" contains the immortal lines

    "I'm down at heel and down on my luck
    and I'm living on my own and dying for a ffff-
    friend to say 'you're great....'"

    Should you all fail to assist me I will be writing the following in her Daybook "Neither Firefilly nor I can see any educational merit in emulating a means of self-expression which is the only preserve available to the lowest intellectual and social common denominator".

    Then, when in due course, I am hauled in to explain why I am being so unsupportive of the school, I shall go in wearing heels which take me to over six foot, full punk make-up and PVC. They'll take a long time to recover : :twisted:

    Ah, our glorious education system - over to you!
  2. Well, I don't teach music - or poetry, but I do understand the concept of living in a town that is an uninspiring patch of concrete set in a rural wilderness. I used to live in Slough. Bombs did not fall while I was there, though it remains unfit for humans now.

    I live in a town that's all concrete
    With Jamie's dinner I am quite replete
    Everywhere there's kids with lice
    Everywhere there's rats and sometimes mice
    I'll draw myself up to my full height
    And announce to all "This town is shiXX.

    Someone else can do verse 2.
  3. Firefilly says "thanks for that" :lol:

    I'm having slight difficulties in viewing Sluff as being set in a rural wilderness - round these parts there's nowt but cow sh*t and silage, we're a loooooong way from the Great Metropolis.

    Right, come on you lot, I need some serious angst :D
  4. Unfortunately, whilst I'm Upper Middle Clarse
    My finances fell on their Arrse,
    It pities me then
    To have to say,
    My son's at a Council School by day
    And that's six lines
    Yeah, six lines,
  5. I'm a single mother
    Living in this hole
    Making a living
    Dancing round a pole
    It's a hard life, no ifs, buts or maybes
    But I gotta have the munnee to feed me little baybees
  6. My teacher is got her PGCE at a poly down the road,
    She says she's Viro Bono's bitch but she leaves tracks all down the pole.
    If we weren't in this hell hole,
    She could be at a decent skool,
    Where Bono wouldn't feck out teachers,
    and we'd play by the rools.
  7. I went to school to learn to be smart
    the teachers clearly forgot that part,
    im writing lyrics for some ignoramous
    who in his spare time would quite like to harm us.
    next week we'll learn unemployment and beggers
    but Im not too worried I plan to be preggers!
    babies are great they get you free stuff,
    so come on then darrel gimme your stuff!

    Apologies to your daughter but rap is the preserve of chavs and benefit fraudsters.
  8. This town is a malodorous pit,
    my wrists I am inspired to slit,
    It's natives defy versification,
    And they seem to bear the scar of Gamma radiation,
    They rarely are moved to bathe,
    And should be ploughed into a gaping mass-grave.
  9. i like my teacher she is a hunny
    Shes on the game to make more money
    Got long vacations and teacher training days
    All the PE teachers are fucking gays
    Can't get a hiding for being a div
    The PTA are all smoking spliffs

    MM a m m m a
    chikka chikka chika

    One time

    <humane berk box impression >
  10. I'm only thirteen and I'm tough
    Three bitches, they're all up the duff
    "Work hard" - yeah really, my arrse
    I just need my Buckfast and grass
    Cos the State gives me more than enough
  11. Waynetta had been down the buroo
    As the fortnightly giro was due
    Into the shop she did stride
    Leaving the pushchair outside
    As she purchased a brand new tattoo!
  12. My mother's a stupid old bat
    "You shouldn't have opened your tw@t"
    She's the one that is dumb
    As a young single mum
    I get me a free council flat
  13. Here is one I did in a moment of misery upon returning to the central belt of Scotland!

  14. Oi!!!! These 5 liners are sullying the purity of the genre! We're getting into limerick territory here!

    Keep 'em coming - they'll all be sent into school as examples of the voice of the people! :D

    Come on Cuts, MDN - I need your input!

    (Bet they don't hear that very often :wink: )
  15. Christ, that reminds me of home! No wonder I wanted to get out of that godforsaken hellhole. Excuse me, I'm just off to slash my wrists so I never have to go back there....