How the Military Deal with Snakes....

E-mailed to me today. Some pretty accurate examples here (well the RMP and RSM one anyway).

1. Infantry:Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves the area, travelling upwind.

2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on snake. Kills snake. Sleeps with snake. Still loves snake in morning.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, looks for more snakes, looses a track and sulks till REME arrive.

4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective – “to hold London against Roundheads at all costs”

5. Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake. Gets smashed with snake. Gets naked with snake. Eats snake.

6. Royal Engineers: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for defeating snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by Pioneers and drowns.

7. Royal Artillery: Fires three-hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray (short) round, tree falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared a success and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”

9. Medical Services: Snake killed by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake. Declares death by natural causes.

10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes Power-point presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval Forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations

11. Territorial Army: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Kicks dust over snake. Keeps quiet about it.

12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snakes. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, 15 Tornados, AWACs and RAF Regiment. Loads anti-ship missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can’t find snake. Drops missiles into sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry cleaning collection, facials, manicures …etc.

13. RMP: Hassles Snake. Goads Snake. Waits for snake to strike back. Beats snake to unconsciousness with 12 of his mates, then charges snake for unrelated driving offence.

14. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What Snake??? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

15. RLC: Procurement agency orders 2-year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute 20” output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in Catering Corps messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts don’t believe options feasible. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsly Harriot and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat delivered to messes by RCT and offloaded by Pioneers. Snake meat launched into Service Messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army blames youth of today and recruitment issues, demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Multi-national Euro Army at massive loss.

16. Air Despatch: Hercules low level ingress at 200 feet with dispatchers chucking chaff out para-door in Army “Horror Bags” Pallet chutes fail. Pallet squashes snake.

17. Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified by Heckler and Koch to meet performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and an “off the shelf” snake is bought from the USA for $10billion

18. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not Black, Female, Homosexual, or Disabled, Loses interest.

19. Royal Pioneers: Beats snake with shovel, scratches arse and wonders what the fuss was about????

20. REME: Drops big spanner onto passing snake. Snake falls into drip tray, chokes to death on spillsorb.

21. Army Air Corps: Fires 600 rounds from door gunner after assembling GPMG from parts in the back of the Lynx, lands, reloads, and returns to scene. Crashes Lynx on landing. Scores two hits on passing truck. (You’ll need a long memory for that one)

22. EOD(RE): Calls press office, tasks at least 50 vehicles and evacuates a small third world country. Makes nothing resembling an assessment but instead gets out “Big Book of Snakes”. Considers use of massive amounts of explosives. Decides risk from snake low and explosives would put civilians at risk. Walks down to snake… team all receive Queens Gallantry Medal….. Posthumously.

23. WRAC: Identifies with snake being minority group, invites it on a girlie night out, shows it how to get he best out of it's make up and cleavage in low cut top, tells it the only way to succeed in this world is to shag highest rank possible. Snake dies of sexually transmitted disease & boredom

24. Regimental Sergeant Major: Inspects Snake, charges snake for being legless on parade.

25. Officers: Prods snake with stick, watches with bemused interest as snake bites bat man.
..........and FANY?
26. FANY Sees snake being bullied by soldiers. Takes pity on poor snake. Introduces snake to Society circle at posh do in Chelsea. Feeds snake home-made vol-au-vents and cucumber sandwiches.
27. Royal Signals: Try to call in location of snake on shiny new radio, radio fails, signaller gets out nokia, gets confused and plays snake. Snake escapes?

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