How the military deal with snakes

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by General Ginge, Apr 9, 2013.

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  1. Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
    Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
    Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
    Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
    Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake
    Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
    Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
    Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.
    Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
    Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
    TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
    RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
    Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
    Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
    Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.
    Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
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  2. [​IMG]
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  3. Yep....... And we dont us Jaguars or "dreading to say this" Harriers these days old bean.... ;)
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  4. do the poem about santa and the squaddie. go on.
  5. Chefs - Kill said snake, fillet it and serve it as chicken ^^
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  6. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  7. No, no, no. Snakes go sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
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  8. Maybe it's a cheap Chinese copy ???
  9. The story I was told, by a RAMC bod, was about some squaddy deep in the jungle who was bitten by a snake (in Malaya ISTR). His mates killed the snake, applied a tourniquet and carried him out, taking the snake so the venom could be identified.

    When he got to hospital, the snake was identified as a non-venomous species. The tourniquet had ensured the leg was gangrenous and it was amputated anyway.
  10. HHH

    HHH LE

    No, that's flies, snakes went Hissss Hissss!
  11. No that's a puncture, snakes went slither slither.
  12. Don't forget the time in Vietnam when a grunt got snake bit on his cock while crawling through the jungle. His Section Leader bolted to the Platoon Commander who radioed through to find out what course of action should be taken while waiting for casevac. The Platoon Commander tells the Section twin striper that the only thing to do to save the poor soldiers life was to suck the poison out. So off trots the Corporal to comfort the stricken soldier.
    "What did they say Corp, am I going to make it?" Groans the ailing Digger. The Corporal looks at him with despair and replies,
    "Sorry mate, looks like you're a goner."
  13. If your late entry doesn't have the one with RMP, Pioneer, TA etc... You only posted half the tumbleweed... Weak effort all round.
  14. RMP's Can't find Snake or any evidence of wrongdoing, But arrest a bunch of worms anyway and throw them in a holding cell, 2am wake them up, as early AM is optimum time for blagging confession. Fail to get anywhere as none of the RMP's passed that part of the 'Arrest and Hold Em' manual. 4 hrs later get fed up of making tea and playing cards, sorry extracting significant evidence, loose all the paper work but never mind they are only RCT worms, call SIB.
    SIB turn up, Fail to either find any evidence, see that it is a bunch of worms or that Worms are not venomous, But never mind that, file the charges and its Job well done and promotions all round. 9 months later Worms awarded £10,000 each for being fitted up by SIB.