How Many Virgins in Heaven?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Madtyke, Jan 21, 2010.

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  1. Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 20% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

    The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the er um ah teeth."

    Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

    Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

    "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
    He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

    Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be @#$%& if I'm agreeing to anything like's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

    Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

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  2. Still sounds more reasonable than BA cabin crew...
  3. Can't be f*cKed to read it all but as a muslim and a virgin i have to say how deeply offended i am.
  4. Wait until they find out that their assigned virgins are elderly nuns.
  5. And Susan Boyle!
  6. Jeez, that's enough to make anyone suicidal....I don't think I could drink enough and still be able to manage 8O
  7. To relieve the shortage of virgins problem may I suggest sending the suicide bombers to blow up primary schools as a sort of afterlife virgin creation scheme. Bonuses could be added to the virgin allocation for more virgins blown up. (Sow as you reap.)
    There is no point in blowing up a secondary school as the dirty little chavs are at it like rabbits from the age of about 12.

    Alternatively blow up the staff at virgin rail they bloody deserve it the bunch of cnuts.
  8. Go for some all girl public school boarding houses - all they've had up them is the odd door handle and on occasion the PE mistress' fist.
  9. Who ever said the virgins are of the female persuasion?
  10. There must be a finite number, do they get re-cycled or made to save up performance points and get re-hymened :? :?
  11. Sorry, I should have included a re-bore and re-bush, after being drilled punched and countersunk :oops: :oops:
  12. Good point GP ! lol..... :D
  13. Must be the funniest thread currently on here - LOL :D