How long would an ARRSE party take...?

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Litotes, Apr 28, 2009.

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  1. mercurydancer

    mercurydancer LE Book Reviewer

    I think its best dealt with by a 3 shift pattern. 8 hours drinking, 8 hours passed out, 8 hours sobering up.

    Tactics will be straightforward, as "going ugly early" will not be a problem with female cabinet members, although anyone who cops off with Hazel Blears, drunk or sober, should use the mess Webley, two rounds will be provided. Correction, three rounds. Shoot her twice to make sure. A field ambulance will be needed as high numbers of casualites will be expected due to PAFO (urined and fell over) DTs, liver problems. PTSD after snogging Jacqui Smith etc.

    Catering will be PAYD - Pay As You Donner. Half eaten kebabs will be sent to the climate camp.

    Does the drinking party include Josey Wales? If so reduce the duration by 20%
  2. I didn't suggest for one moment that any engagement with the female members of the Government would be necessary! Let's just stick with the drinking, can we?

    Hazel Blears? How could you?

  3. If me and Liz the Nurse are invited - about 2 days. End of.

    Oh, and Lits, can you bring our new mate who hasn't got an AGC Commendation? I'd love to chat to him over a Merlot.
  4. Easily. Just unzip and set loose the one eyed anaconda. Blears is so short, she wouldn't even have to kneed down to have her tonsils tickled.

    I doubt that we could keep up with the Parliamentary purchasing clerks. Apparently £135,000 was blown on fresh supplies last year and a cool half a million over the past five years. Don't want the honourable members defiling their palates with a funny shaped bottle of Blue Nun now do we?

    There's also the 1931 vintage port worth a grand a bottle. Next time MoD refuse to pay a grand for tea and flowers at the funeral of a dead serviceman, just remember what they will pay a grand for.
  5. 3 shift pattern - that's being a bit namby-pamby isn't it? Considering it's an ARRSE event I would have thought 12 hours on, 12 hours off would have been more than sufficient. :)
  6. 50 bottles of Rioja and the lovely MS Cooper/Mrs Balls in her skiddies please
  7. You and I could neck that easily by ourselves - a couple of chickenburgers and a spicy meat pizza between us (fnarrr fnarrrr!!!!!!!), some rather nice Nuits St Georges and then 4 bottles of the wallop to end the Appetizers phase of the nights entertainment.

    Oh and I would have Harriet Harman for dessert.

    Maybe this should be sent to the NAAFI asp as my mind is now in overtime :twisted:
  8. I want to be on first 8 hour shift otherwise R-Major will have drunk the good stuff.

    Plus thought of sloppy seconds with Hatperson is making my breakfast regurgitate.
  9. Pararegtom

    Pararegtom LE Book Reviewer

    If you include the Flag signing , photo,s sessions , Tattybadger threating to buy a round the and the gay sex, about 3 days.
  10. I am willing to take one for the team. I don't know a good wine from any other so I will do the late shift and finish off the bin-ends.

    I'm not a good drinker but do my best ;P
  11. Others of us are - come early and we will educate your palate. I assume they have proper decanters etc? Oh silly me - of course they will - it's not their own money so only the best then.

    Practice makes perfect R-G!
  12. mercurydancer

    mercurydancer LE Book Reviewer

    I couldnt. Ever. Ive never been that drunk. I dont think that anyone can drink enough for Blears to become attractive without dying.

    And how do we just stick with the drinking? There has to be some engagement with the opposite sex although if Liz the nurse and dale were drinking and I was about I would be afraid. Very afraid.

    Drinking also means seeking out foodstuffs that are normally inedible.
  13. It'd have to take place on the Parlimentry Verandah over looking the Thames as otherwise you'd have to add a 60%-80% time 'fudge factor' for all the Smoke Breaks.