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How good is army accommodation?

Joined August 2011 and only 2 posts? And this was your first on 18/08/11

Best Calibre
I'd quite like to see the return of an SLR calibre for a regular infantryman. That thing was good to 800 metres I hear, never used one though.

I think riflemen should be equipped with L12A1 sharpshooter rifles, with the support gunner having an FN MAG ( L7A2 GPMG ) and the sniper having a .338 Lapua rifle for anti personnel, or an AW. 50 for material targets or long range. I don't think the 7.62 rounds are suited to anti material, but .338 Lapua is good enough for very accurate and powerful shooting at long range.

Sits back and waits.


<sigh> here we go…

Army accommodation is similar, if not identical to RAF accommodation, Royal Navy accommodation and Royal Marines accommodation.

The most subtle differences being that the RAF variety will typically have more power sockets, more aerial sockets, several Sky+ mini-dishes, honesty bars in each room, duvets, proper mattresses that you can actually sleep on and swamp at your leisure – as opposed to the Army green plastic ones that tend to accumulate the urine in the lowest point for you to fester in throughout the night. Many of the RAF ‘barrack blocks’ are former Forte Posthouse hotels which never made it to the commercial world at which point some air commodore must have swung by to take a butchers, looked around and scoffed “I suppose that’ll have to do for housing our lot…”.

The Royal Navy rooms are somewhat smaller due to the fact that when they’re ‘on ship’ they require only bunk beds and therefore have become accustomed to living in confined spaces. They make up for this by having wrens on board which become better looking as the boat trip enters its third and fourth month – that is if they haven’t already given up hope of ever having sex with a female again and decided to bum the bloke on the bottom bunk instead.

Speaking of which, your Royal Marines accommodation is the hardcore of homosexual activity; all of which is conducted in the name of manliness and heterosexuality. Block parties at this particular accommodation usually involve some form of deviancy and almost certainly nakedness, the end of which is usually signalled by a series of drunken songs sung in unison whilst hugging before collapsing into an alcoholic coma.

All four accommodation types will have several things in common:

1. The block monster. Specialises in being given a wide berth due to a combination of urban legend and witnessing first hand the examples of bullying and initiation ceremonies that make the tabloid headlines on a regular basis. He will generally eat nothing but takeaways, the discarded contents of which will inevitably stack-up over a period of 8 weeks outside the occupant’s room, eventually getting cleared by the block junior dressed in full radioactive PPE. He will have also smashed any new female to the unit before you’ve even found out her first name – and will only use the term ‘back doors’ when referring to the particulars during any conversation following.

2. Broken washing machines. All bar one, which will have several loads next to it in line for use. This is a good time to find out where you sit in the pecking order of the block occupants. The cluster-fucks and lowlifes will generally find their washing strewn in various locations – particularly evident midway through the drying cycle. This is also the place where you discover there are some people low enough in life to steal your boxer shorts from the drying room and wear them as your own.

3. The unused payphone on the top floor which was last used in 1997 just before BT phased out that engineer’s trick where the user could put a pound in, talk for an hour, then press follow-on call before his money rung out and dial *99# and get his pound back. Nowadays it’s is used by ‘the other side’ to stiff someone for duty after everyone’s ignored their mobiles on a Saturday or Sunday (those sad enough or live too far away to still be in the block). Eventually getting answered by the block sprog who usually takes the hit.

4. One socket (except RAF), of which you need to plug in your kettle, microwave, fridge, stereo, phone charger, laptop, bedside lamp, iron, iPod charger and hair straighteners (RAF only) into.

5. Notice board, containing several adverts with hilarious grafitti on. Taxi business cards that no longer come to the camp or garrison since the block monster either puked or shat himself in all of them. Part One Orders that were printed out the last time someone could be arsed to do so (typically 6 months ago) …all of which will have had all but one of the drawing pins and blue-tack proffed by the block monster to stick his porn up to cover the dirty marks on his walls.

There’s also Service Families Accommodation (SFA) for sad married types who wish to share the constant misery of the spawn of their uncontrollable loins with the rest of the community in the form of snotty nosed screaming kids that spend their time scratching cars and twatting your neighbour’s cat with a stick, in between calling at your house to ask for their ball back for the tenth time that day.

There’s Substitute Service Families Accommodation (SSFA) which are generally regular local houses leased by the MOD because they sold all ours off without having the brain cells to think but two minutes ahead of them and realise that by selling them there wouldn’t be enough to go around….

Then there’s Substitute Single Soldier’s Acommodation (SSSA) which is similar to above but is generally given to lonely stripeys to share with other lonely stripeys who don’t like each other, but crack on anyway as it generally nets them an extra £600 a month.

I hope that’s covered just about everything – if you have any more stupid questions to ask, feel free. As you can see – I’m not very busy today.
Yes we all have to share. I live in a 32 man room, sharing with my wife and 9 kids - and the mother-in-law plus all the single lads.
The mother-in-law gets shared with the other lads, not the wife and kids.

Unless payday is on a Monday, which means it's a free for all.

Sent via Crayola, using the red crayon

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