How far would you go for a shag?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Turbogoat, Dec 5, 2008.

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  1. I've often wondered just how far I'd go just to exchange bodily fluids with a bird, but the other night I think I reached even my limits.
    I'd been working on her for a little while, and while she wasn't utterly repulsed by my advances, she wasn't exactly throwing herself onto her back, waving her legs in the air and shouting "Get inside me like a steam train entering a surprisingly moist tunnel!"
    I was forced to sink to depths of depravity the likes of which I have never sunk before.
    No, NOT rohypnol. (I find a knife and a transit van much more effective)

    Instead, I actually took this young lady to the ballet. Yes, I'm hanging my head in shame at this tactic, but I had a very good rationale for this I swear.
    First, she had been a ballerina once, until her body had developed too much, fnar fnar. So she loved the ballet apparently, and this seemed like a sure fire way to get her in the mood to strike a few poses.
    Secondly, the thought of watching extremely limber Russian jailbait prancing around without the aid of money being thrust into their lingerie seemed not too unattractive, and probably more cost effective.
    Thirdly, did I mention she used to be one of these extremely limber jailbait ballerinas with the added bonus of tits?

    In any case, I felt vaguely justified about taking her to the nutcracker. This was my first mistake, as I soon found this was the name of the ballet due to the comfort level of the seating provided.
    I was also rather annoyed to see that our seats were not so close to the stage that I might get an inadvertent lapdance should one of the Russian tarts fall off the stage. At least we were close enough to be able to spot the camel toes that seem to be so closely associated with leotards.

    Now I have no idea about the story of the nutcracker, but apparently the Pied Paedophile of Hamelin gives some kids presents, then steals them away to train to fight the mole-man army while providing one girl with an inflatable doll that she runs away with to play with the fairies... or something like that.

    So watching young ladies prance around the stage wasn't that bad, nice arrse here, great legs there, mini-tits everywhere.
    Then all of a sudden MOOSE KNUCKLE! Bloody hell, the blokes come prancing out, sporting the kind of bulge usually associated with people smuggling parakeets through airport customs. It doesn't matter how athletic the feats being performed are, if you do them wearing spray-on tights you're going to look err... less than firm wristed. It's for this same reason I think pro-wrestlers are also trying to overcompensate for something.

    Oh the horror. The sight of nubile young Russians with their legs tied behind their heads was lost in the horror of male leotard packages. Barrse-tards. for almost two hours I sat/squirmed through this, while my shag-to-be's eyes glistened at the thrill of it all, the dirty minx.

    Gotta shag though.
  2. Sounds great! Must try it! (Don't tell Jarrod....)
  3. I once took a bird to a......John Denver concert (hangs head in shame) at the Royal Albert Hall in an (unsuccessful) attempt to get into her knickers. I still get the shivers thinking about it.
  4. I went to the Opera cos the SOP is in it, IEDA very boring, BUT the the captain of the Welsh Rugby team was sat next to me with his misses, oh joy of joys, made my day, been taking the P*** big time ever since
  5. Once bought a prossie for a week in downtown Bangkok .Only joking! iv,e never even been to Thailand, it was actually somewhere in Laos .
  6. I've got a mate in Slovakia who is a top chap, but a bit obsessive. He's an extreme sports officionado, and a while ago he told me about having met some French bird somewhere in Slovakia, and being convinced that she was up for it he mountain biked it from Kosice ( check this on a map!!!!) to her address near Paris, only to be told to ferk off on arrival!!!! Knowing this bloke, that was no wah. It brought a tear to my eye......I tried to make it look like sympathy!
  7. Oh dear lord... thats the worst thing I have ever heard....
  8. I married a bird just so i had someone to bum on a regular basis :eek: and when all said and done after buying several houses kitchens sofas bedrooms holidays and other things she wangled out of me ..... I still had less sex and more difficulty getting it than when i was single :lol:
    Being married now thats low.
  9. Once went as far as buying a drink for a bird......although being a firm believer in equal opputunities made her buy me one back :wink:
  10. Took a bird to a museum then art gallery straight after couple of years ago. I thought it would make her moist at how sophisticated and cultured I was. Strangely I never heard from her after that...
  11. Could have been worse- you could been trying to bone her whilst you were in his private plane.
  12. She probably figured you were GAY.

  13. Maybe she was really into heavy metal and thought you looked like the kind of mincing faggot that might enjoy a john denver concert and after going couldn't even bring herself to give you a sympathy shag. :D
  14. but the john denver autograph must be worth a tenner :lol:
  15. Loughlin Nevada.