How do you wipe your arrse?

Whilst having a quiet pint with a mate the other evening, the conversation took an unusual, but educational turn. The subject matter: “What technique do you employ to wipe your arrsehole?”

Now either Im a naive cnut, or the fella I was talking to is a bit fcuked up. I explained to him that I use the standard reach around technique, whereby one takes the paper flat in palm, reaches round in an up-and-over motion, and offers a vertical wipe from low to high. The only real danger to this technique being two-fold:

a) Digital penetration – too much pressure from a single finger resulting in penetration of the paper and, ultimately, up your own ringpiece
b) Slippage – use a particularly poor brand of bogroll and the lack of friction can result in a skidmark up the lower back like a tyre spin at brands hatch

Assuming this was all standard practise, my oppo astounded me by explaining that he uses a completely different procedure. It would appear that he gathers a ball of sh-it rag in his hand, reaches down and between the legs, and scrubs in a circular pattern whilst his balls rest on his lower forearm. This, he says, provides an excellent dhobi of the rectal region, and gives him a semi on in the process.

Does anyone else use this method? Have I been living in the dark ages all this time? Im eager to try this out, and Im currently brewing a titanic dog-egg to make sure my prostate gets suitably stimulated in the process
 
No that's positively perverted.

The method you described at first is the only acceptable method. Repeated three times: "one up, one down and one to polish" as I was told.

People who screw up big balls of bog roll are weird.
 

chamooooone

Old-Salt
People who screw up big balls of bog roll are weird.
I disagree, a ball of 4-5 sheets has a much better cleaning effect than a flat sheet. It's more edgey and dislodges much easier

It also eliminates the finger penetration problem

C
 
This seems to be perfect timing, I was just sent this link about a fella stuck in the lift with diarrhea.

God knows what he was smearing it all over his clothes for NSFW.
 

IvyGrad

Old-Salt
You have way to much time on your "hands" so to speak.
 

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