How do you wipe your arrse?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by northernrogue, Mar 4, 2009.

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  1. Whilst having a quiet pint with a mate the other evening, the conversation took an unusual, but educational turn. The subject matter: “What technique do you employ to wipe your arrsehole?”

    Now either Im a naive cnut, or the fella I was talking to is a bit fcuked up. I explained to him that I use the standard reach around technique, whereby one takes the paper flat in palm, reaches round in an up-and-over motion, and offers a vertical wipe from low to high. The only real danger to this technique being two-fold:

    a) Digital penetration – too much pressure from a single finger resulting in penetration of the paper and, ultimately, up your own ringpiece
    b) Slippage – use a particularly poor brand of bogroll and the lack of friction can result in a skidmark up the lower back like a tyre spin at brands hatch

    Assuming this was all standard practise, my oppo astounded me by explaining that he uses a completely different procedure. It would appear that he gathers a ball of sh-it rag in his hand, reaches down and between the legs, and scrubs in a circular pattern whilst his balls rest on his lower forearm. This, he says, provides an excellent dhobi of the rectal region, and gives him a semi on in the process.

    Does anyone else use this method? Have I been living in the dark ages all this time? Im eager to try this out, and Im currently brewing a titanic dog-egg to make sure my prostate gets suitably stimulated in the process
     
  2. No that's positively perverted.

    The method you described at first is the only acceptable method. Repeated three times: "one up, one down and one to polish" as I was told.

    People who screw up big balls of bog roll are weird.
     
  3. I disagree, a ball of 4-5 sheets has a much better cleaning effect than a flat sheet. It's more edgey and dislodges much easier

    It also eliminates the finger penetration problem

    C
     
  4. Does it not depend on what has be delivered to the bowl?
     
  5. This seems to be perfect timing, I was just sent this link about a fella stuck in the lift with diarrhea.

    God knows what he was smearing it all over his clothes for NSFW.
     
  6. You have way to much time on your "hands" so to speak.