How do you kill a dog and make it look like natural causes

#1
This is only half serious...at the moment!

A feckless neighbour has a dog in a cage that barks at all hours. They have been the subject of repeated complaints, visits from the dog warden and so on over years. They even lied to the dog warden saying the dog was to be destroyed. Apparently their children love the little dear, so much it is left outside to bark all the time...even tonight, with fireworks going off every so often. It's repeated intrusive bark sounds like range practice (rapid fire) with piercing sharp barks echoing every 2 seconds.

The neighbours are shortly to be served a letter informing them that court proceedings will be instigated. However, patience is wearing very thin and I need to know what to do if the red mist descends.

I have the following options in mind:

1. Slit its throat and mount its severed head on a stake in the garden. It has crossed my mind that this may get me into a little trouble.

2. Throw a few bars of chocolate into its cage, apparently toxic to canines. If it ate the lot, and the wrappers, I could get away with it. I could even plant a receipt in the cage so it looks like the dog bought the chocolate, just in case.

3. Throw a cat into the cage so the dog kills it and is destroyed.

4. Place a small pile of fireworks in the cage, light and run. It might look like a Bonfire Night accident.

5. Steal the dog, so it is assumed that a dogfighting ring have taken it.

Any suggestions?
 
#2
get the biggest banger you can find, wrap with bacon, light, and throw to said dog.....jobsagoodun
 
#5
give the dog an OD on some prescription stuff lots and lots in the meat

it will sleep for a vv v v v v v v long time "I have been told"
 
#7
MrPVRd said:
This is only half serious...at the moment!

A feckless neighbour has a dog in a cage that barks at all hours. They have been the subject of repeated complaints, visits from the dog warden and so on over years. They even lied to the dog warden saying the dog was to be destroyed. Apparently their children love the little dear, so much it is left outside to bark all the time...even tonight, with fireworks going off every so often. It's repeated intrusive bark sounds like range practice (rapid fire) with piercing sharp barks echoing every 2 seconds.

The neighbours are shortly to be served a letter informing them that court proceedings will be instigated. However, patience is wearing very thin and I need to know what to do if the red mist descends.

I have the following options in mind:

1. Slit its throat and mount its severed head on a stake in the garden. It has crossed my mind that this may get me into a little trouble.

2. Throw a few bars of chocolate into its cage, apparently toxic to canines. If it ate the lot, and the wrappers, I could get away with it. I could even plant a receipt in the cage so it looks like the dog bought the chocolate, just in case.

3. Throw a cat into the cage so the dog kills it and is destroyed.

4. Place a small pile of fireworks in the cage, light and run. It might look like a Bonfire Night accident.

5. Steal the dog, so it is assumed that a dogfighting ring have taken it.

Any suggestions?
Yeah - man up and slot the OWNER, not the dog. :evil:
 
#8
Throw a starving wolverine into the cage. What happens next will be pretty much 'natural causes'.

But, if you're determined to avoid suspicion, remember that neglected pet dogs tend to be pathetically grateful for any attention shown them. Just wait until its parents... erm, I mean owners,... go out to a restaurant, kidnap... steal, I meant steal... the dog and spirit it away. Having whipped up a media frenzy (as many pages as the local free paper can spare), the remains can be secreted in a nearby ditch and 6 months later you can return to work on a part-time basis.
 
#9
Call the local Plod and tell them the owner's a suicide bomber.

Given the marksmanship of the most coppers, they'll probably slot both man and dog! :twisted:
 
#10
smartascarrots said:
Throw a starving wolverine into the cage. What happens next will be pretty much 'natural causes'.

But, if you're determined to avoid suspicion, remember that neglected pet dogs tend to be pathetically grateful for any attention shown them. Just wait until its parents... erm, I mean owners,... go out to a restaurant, kidnap... steal, I meant steal... the dog and spirit it away. Having whipped up a media frenzy (as many pages as the local free paper can spare), the remains can be secreted in a nearby ditch and 6 months later you can return to work on a part-time basis.
Go anywhere near a starving Wolverine and I guarantee a dog keeping you awake at night will be the LEAST of your problems! 8O

Please feel free to ignore this advice. Just let me film you for YouTube... :twisted:
 
#11
Many thanks for the tips. I am currently thinking about eating it, to destroy the evidence. I might even kill it first.

Alternatively, we have a "wood burning stove" which could become a "woof burning stove"....
 
#12
MrPVRd said:
I am currently thinking about eating it, to destroy the evidence. quote]

Watch Blackadder Goes Forth, episode "Corporal Punishment" before embarking on this course of action.
 
#14
sell it on ebay. no one will ever know, apart from the satisfying silence..
 
#15
I had the same problem. Every weekend the chap over the road would go away and leave his 2 dogs in the back garden where they barked all night until he came home. I solved the problem by waiting until during the week and went to his front door at around 4.30am and banged on the door until he opened it. He asked me what the Fcuck I was doing knocking at that time of the morning. I told him that if his EFFIN dogs woke me up again I would repeat the performance every day. Solved the problem. Nowadays there are goverment agencies that will deal with this. Look into your local councils web site under animal annoyance. Best wishes.
 
B

Biscuits_AB

Guest
#16
Take the axe out of its back. It's a dead giveaway when the neighbours set the RSPCA on you.
 
#18
Give it to the local Chinky,
 
#19
Seriously, if it's being kept in a cage for long periods or if it's being neglected (e.g. not being exercised/fed/wormed/given water etc) then call the RSPCA. They'll take it away, even if the owner isn't doing enough to warrant prosecution.
 
#20
MrPVRd said:
This is only half serious...at the moment!

A feckless neighbour has a dog in a cage that barks at all hours. They have been the subject of repeated complaints, visits from the dog warden and so on over years. They even lied to the dog warden saying the dog was to be destroyed. Apparently their children love the little dear, so much it is left outside to bark all the time...even tonight, with fireworks going off every so often. It's repeated intrusive bark sounds like range practice (rapid fire) with piercing sharp barks echoing every 2 seconds.

The neighbours are shortly to be served a letter informing them that court proceedings will be instigated. However, patience is wearing very thin and I need to know what to do if the red mist descends.

I have the following options in mind:

1. Slit its throat and mount its severed head on a stake in the garden. It has crossed my mind that this may get me into a little trouble.

2. Throw a few bars of chocolate into its cage, apparently toxic to canines. If it ate the lot, and the wrappers, I could get away with it. I could even plant a receipt in the cage so it looks like the dog bought the chocolate, just in case.

3. Throw a cat into the cage so the dog kills it and is destroyed.

4. Place a small pile of fireworks in the cage, light and run. It might look like a Bonfire Night accident.

5. Steal the dog, so it is assumed that a dogfighting ring have taken it.

Any suggestions?
Grow a set of swingers and grip the owner and dont harm a defenceless dog!!

Dave
 

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