How do we defend against Russian invasion?

Mod Edit:Minister Doughnut is a dolls head pilot walt.......... with a penis as big as a maggot and who's missus doesn't give him a sniff of the old grot box...and who can't get off his fat ring piece so they have given him a wand of power......albeit a tiny one.... You blufffing walt

So if Russia invades how the fuuck are we going to defend ourselves?

So Russia has been spotted of the coast of Britain flying around in a reconnaissance aircraft.
I take it that a civvi phoned the coast guard after thinking it was a UFO.

So if Russia decides to follow up it’s nuclear attack on the bistro in London with a full scale invasion into Britain using two reserve Battalions of cooks- who need the training, how are we going to fend off this invasion.

I gave this a few minutes of thought time and came up with some ideas.

So if a hairy arrsed Russian trooper lands in the garden this is what he will be greeted with-
Our high tech surveillance cameras that are all over Britain will totally miss him- this is because they are always busy looking at local wildlife or local totty, or watching my partner wash the car-I watch their scanning.

I could call the police yet this is proven to be a massive error-they would spend the first thirty minutes asking who the hell I was and what the hell did I think I was doing phoning this number-then they would want to know my marital status-my cock size-my postcode-and my music preferences- then and only then would they dispatch the message by carrier pigeon.

If the pigeon makes the journey then there would be a phone call made to the crown prosecution service and the health and safety team-just to check out the legal implications of turning up.
Seven days later some snotty little twat in an ill fitting uniform would turn up to tell me there was nothing he could do, so I had better move house-if I argued the point he would say ‘I was being aggressive’ and then he would ‘excitedly’ radio in for the swat team.

I could look for a weapon and try to stop the invasion-a spoon or a fork-yet no way a knife or then a swat team would turn up and I would be shot by a trigger trembling throbber of the state. Then they would swear to the bible god that I had links to al queedie.

I could throw hot coffee over the cunnt yet I would only be sued by some fat cuunt legal team with a no win no fee policy. Russian chap would be successful and then he would be granted asylum in his trench.
Then I would be evicted and he would get to live in my house.

I could knock up the old Molotov cock tail-yet some fuucker would turn up and chain themselves to my gate claiming that I was damaging the environment with my flaming fuel defences. I could phone the MOD they would keep me talking whilst my call was recorded and a massive surveillance operation was staged using out of work social security operatives-more used to chasing old bastards with back ache who are claiming three pounds more than their entitlement.

I could ask the local chav gang for help yet they would just want to kick me to death-if I battered a few in self-defence -I would be jailed for hurting ‘that young chav-chap‘. So if Russia takes this chance and lands on our open beaches and takes up residence with all the relevant paperwork-what do we do-do we just do a Blair and fuuck off to hotter climes-leaving the mess for some other folk to sort out.

I could ask for a cigarette as a last request yet that plan is fuucked as Russki would think I was trying to escape as I would have to go smoke outside. Britain is in the shiit and some fuucker has been cutting the knackers off this once great Bulldog for about twenty years-first the unions and now the military and laws that strangulate peoples rights-weaken weaken and weaken some more-we are going to get screwed over if changes don’t happen real soon.

If Churchill could pop his head into Britain I am sure he would say-“what the fuuck are you knobbers playing at-you are being ground down by pussies in suits, grow a set of bolllocks and get the edge back in GREAT BRITAIN-before you lose the fuucking lot-you bunch of yes men knobbers“.
I'm not worried about any invasion, because I know that the elite Parachute Pilots (all with GSM and bar) will save us from being raped and pillaged by the Russki hordes.

We hire Chuck Norris.
Tartan_Terrier said:
I'm not worried about any invasion, because I know that the elite Parachute Pilots (all with GSM and bar) will save us from being raped and pillaged by the Russki hordes.


Hmm... rape AND pillage, that would be the weekend sorted then :)
vampireuk said:
We hire Chuck Norris.
Nah, then the bloody Americans will claim they saved our ass in WW3 just as they did in the first two World Wars.
It would just be un-fecking-bearable. I think I'd rather be occupied by the Russians :(
Same way we did in Germany in the 70s and 80s, have a drink, then another drink and then another drink.
Let the airsofter brigade fight it out for us.
Bags I jobs as Russian Womens Tennis Team Laundryman and Chief Merchandise Tester.

Ochyen Priyatno and rock on the invasion...
SilverSurfer said:
Tartan_Terrier said:
I'm not worried about any invasion, because I know that the elite Parachute Pilots (all with GSM and bar) will save us from being raped and pillaged by the Russki hordes.


Hmm... rape AND pillage, that would be the weekend sorted then :)
isn't it called "brigandige" in Russia? (with thanks to Mr Shwarzzzeneggggerrr in red heat)

F*ck me Eagle1 your a sucker for punishment.......... 8O
Well, we get everyone in the UK to do an extended line. Fooling the enemy that we are carrying out 'Nation areas' While secretly we have concealed weapons for when we are in range.
TV Brought Me The Answer...
Hire Jason Bourne
He Ripped Up Half Of Moscow So He Has Experiance With Russians
O S**t He's Not Real...
Nah We're F****d
Lets recover from a drawn out overseas deployment, and use the surviving soldiers to form the SNCOs of a conscript Army.
Then place three full divisions in Germany (can use the whole training area this time) within our Corps AOR.
Phase out the draftees to replace them with volunteers soldiers, provide housing for the married, social infrastructure, SSVC, BFBS etc.
Form a strategic reserve division back in UK, increase recruiting to maintain all, plus allowing RAF to develop to counter the new threat.
Liaise with our Frog and Hun chums to form a club to back one another up in time of need.
Leave to mature for forty years.
When the threat subsides dismantle the whole shebang, and then sit around looking sheepish the next time the balloon goes up.
Sod the sale in Threshers...Waitrose are dishing out Russian Vodka at £8.97 a bottle - the real wheat grain McCoy-o-vich. Just put up "Waitrose this way" signs in Cyrillic and set up the tank killing arcs in the car park.

Failing that, the TA is full of fully trained Russian-fighters. Show us a few furry-booted, slanty-eyed, Mongolians and it will be as if the years have fallen from our aged on!
Why Would Anyone In There Right Mind Want To Invade Britain In Its Current State Anyway..???

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