How Do I Get Rid Of A Dead Body?

#1
I am sure this has been done before, but the red mist is stronger than me.

I could bury it outside with the civvies my friend has killed.

I could try and squish it into my tardis (aka car) and chuck it out somewhere on the A345.

If the mess had a patio, I could bury it under there, but Debut are shite.

I could leave it on the Golf Course, but some saddo would find it.

The guard dogs here are even older than Aunty Stella, so no point shoving it through the window. They would only gum it to death.

Please help. Oh, and no-one tell the bizzies.
 
#3
I have a beef mincing machine if you need to borrow it. It's not a big one so It'll take a fair while so you'll need to put a weekend aside but the dog's love it. Full of vitamins, minerals and marrowbone jelly.
 
#4
Carefully package in a suitable tea chest, post to New Scotland Yard
Make sure you clearly write a return address on the packing label

Tony Blair
10 Downing Street

Should be suitable

Failing that jst fetch it up here, easy to make sure its never found :wink:
 
#10
According to one of those random programmes that C5 has on between porn and proving Hitler was gay, they had a true crimes thing on. This guy put his wifes body in the deep freeze, then put it through a wood shredder (you know the ones) into a river. They only caught him, coz he turned it onto the woods to save time and a dog found a human tooth...
 
#12
Hitlerwasabitnaughty said:
Eat the fcuker - you could do with putting some weight on.
There is some measure in this reply from the unwashed :wink: , apart from putting the weight on, which you do NOT need to do....,
I hear the brain is very tasty, washed down with a nice Chianti 8) :D
Oh an don't forget the onions and the bun ... (giggles)...
 
#13
Dress it up in your birds favourite outfit(or your mums) then talk to it regularly covering topics such as why I cant get/keep a girlfriend, why everyone at work is talking about me, I think I'm just miss-understood and you love me don't you mummy?
 
#17
is this something else that has been shagged to death by dale??

or is it something that took ITS OWN life at the THOUGHT of being shagged by dale ??
 
G

Goku

Guest
#18
Build yourself a bonfire, douse the corps in petrol and then burn the feker on said bonfire.
A normal fire wont reach the needed temperatures to destroy bone and teeth so when the fire goes out you’ll need to shift through the ashes for any remains.
Once you’ve collected up all the remaining bones, collect up as much of the ash as you can and dispose of it in a river or down a drain, then throw water over the bonfire site to destroy as much evidence as possible.
All you should be left with now is the remaining charred bones, these will need to be ground up into dust, a good old-fashioned wheat grinding mill is best for this or if you’re feeling energetic you could use a hammer to pound them into dust.
Your bone dust will resemble chalk at this point, the best place to dispose of it? A chalk mine…

If this sounds a little too much like hard work, it is.
A much simpler method for disposing of a body would be to leave it in a vat of acid, however it takes several weeks for acid to dissolve a body, and this is a very smelly process. However it requires very little effort and when you’re done you can just pour the sludge down a drain and no one will be the wiser.
 
#19
I would imagine if it died from being shagged by dale, her corrosive fanny batter would be more than up to the job of decomposing it. In fact I hear Sellafield send a truck to her each week to fill a tanker to aid in stabilising nuclear waste.
 
#20
devilish said:
Dress it up in your birds favourite outfit(or your mums) then talk to it regularly covering topics such as why I cant get/keep a girlfriend, why everyone at work is talking about me, I think I'm just miss-understood and you love me don't you mummy?
Make that two dead bodies, devilish is calling me a dirty feeeeeelthy lezzer.
 

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