How Do I Avoid The Circus?

I've noticed the rising popularity of 'Old Soldier without relatives dies, let's put on a show' events.

I not suggesting I belong to such stalwart company as those who have already been put through the treatment but I'm not sure that is a consideration among funeral directors and care home staff. All that's required is to have had a military connection.

But should I end up in a care home, how do I try avoiding become victim of one of these grief-fests when my turn comes?
I'm pretty sure my prior wishes wouldn't be taken into consideration by those desperate to do 'the right thing'.

Getting rid of any service related memorabilia would be a start, disposing of medals would be good as they'd likely end up being stolen anyway.

I have no tattoos so no giveaways there, maybe start lacing my shoes in criss-cross fashion to foil the sharp-eyed veteran spotters.

On the other hand, I suppose I could surreptitiously plant my un-named stuff onto the bewildered guy in the next bed or room and take a delight in the thought of all those professional mourners celebrating the funeral of someone with no service connections whatsoever.
 

Mr_Fingerz

LE
Book Reviewer
Write a will that sets out how you want to be disposed of. Include details of the ceremony (if any). Specify that you don't want any military participation.

Simples.
 
If there is an elderly dementia-suffering Irish republican, plant your battle bling, beret, regimental tie and blazer in his locker when he is on his last legs.
 

Legs

ADC
Book Reviewer
Go out in a blaze of glory, with a pocket full of stolen grenades to be hurled at the nearest school, and a few automatic weapons with loads of ammunition to take out the survivors and rescue workers.

That'll keep the do gooders away from you suicide by cop funeral.








Well, it IS the NAAFI
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
You will be dead! I doubt very much that you will worry too much as they shove you into the oven.
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
There's a worry that they'd use your hard earned for vol au vents for sweaty leather clad bikers, spend everything. They'll have to eat cheese on sticks elsewhere while showing respect.
 

Mr_Fingerz

LE
Book Reviewer
There's a worry that they'd use your hard earned for vol au vents for sweaty leather clad bikers, spend everything. They'll have to eat cheese on sticks elsewhere while showing respect.
Does that count as proper remembering?
 
If you want to avoid the circus, don't befriend anyone called Richthofen.
 

The_Snail

ADC
RIP
Cut your hands off with a machete and do cartwheels before cutting off your feet.

Then shout "Howdya like them apples" and cut your bollocks off and throw them at the nearest bystander,

(Machete to be held in mouth at all times and keep it away from small children and pets at all times)
 
Pay for and arrange your funeral before you draw your last breath, and to take the religious theatre out of it go the humanist funeral route. Lodge copies of your pre arranged plans with family friends etc (not solicitor as you will have likely been burned, buried or stuffed and mounted by time the legal eagles get involved).

Alternative is move to a non UK loving area of the world before you 'fall off your perch', the disposal of your corpse by the locals may be alternative, but Honda Goldwing riding members of the RBL and a range of cap badge wearers will not be present as a guard of honour.
 
You will be dead! I doubt very much that you will worry too much as they shove you into the oven.
But make sure its on gas mark 40. Best to be well done rather than medium rare.
 
Make it clear that you adhere to the Jain religion and wish to have your mortal remains exposed to be picked over by crows and ravens after the lads have got busy with sledgehammers on your larger bones......the ensuing wave of revulsion will ensure the authorities enforce a 'no fuss' unadvertised cremation for you!
Gratis
 
get a tattoo saying "**** THE QUEEN' across your face and burn all previous photos leaving only one with said tatt
 
The easy way to avoid a 'circus', as you put it, is merely to stay alive for the next couple of years. We can't afford any more adventures in exotic and faraway places, so the phenomenon of squaddie worship will die a natural and undramatic death in its sleep within that time. After which you can follow suit, secure in the knowledge that no one will give a stuff that you once knew your way around a mixed fruit pudding.
 
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