How common are you? Social fas paux

#1
I was recently at a fellow arrsers house doing a job and committed a tadge of a boo boo.

After a bit of a tiring day we were having a conversation and I felt the need to sit. After spinning my head around slightly I noticed a bar stool. A 3 legged wooden structure with a round top. The only thing I had ever seen in this configuration previously had been underneath my breakfast bar or in a pub.

So, I sat on it. The resulting cracking noise chilled me. My first immediate thoughts were "fcuk me, am I too fat to even sit on a bar stool now?", until, 0.05 seconds later, my host said "did you really think that was a stool?" The crumbled structure on the floor and his "I want to kill you" look pretty well convinced me that my identification of the bar stool had been incorrect.

I then had nanoseconds to think of a reply. I couldn't really lie, of course I thought it was a stool, I had never seen anything that shape that wasn't , so I sort of sheepishly and defensively said "well, yes, I thought it was"

Not so. It turns out it was an antique plant pot holder :( I never even knew such things existed. In my youth plant pot holders were either on flat balconies or were hanging of chains at my nans house.

I made my excuses and left the room. I hid for a while whilst he calmed down and hoped that he could fix it with some wood glue and I did actually feel a bit of a cnut for a) breaking it and more so b) not actually having a fcuking clue what it was.

I went away alive at the end, although I have to go back there on Tuesday and I know he is actually capable of shooting me from quite a long way away, so I'm hoping I am forgiven by then.

So, what is your best "fas paux""?

Not the crap "spoken" ones which we all do, but the ones where you have totally and utterly mistaken one piece of kit for another, with nightmare results.

Over to you
 
#2
Well one time I actually dipped my bread roll INTO my soup. Ghastly!
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#4
zzzzzzzzzz z zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz

no such thing as a social faux paux if you're big enough to back your actions/remarks up.
 
#6
PrinceAlbert said:
zzzzzzzzzz z zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz

no such thing as a social faux paux if you're big enough to back your actions/remarks up.
If your spitting out 'ZZ's" that much then press the big shiny button and go to sleep ! Every time I drop an elephantine b*llock in the company of others (and its pretty common) I skulk off into the shadows like a German sex tourist ! :D
 
#7
PrinceAlbert said:
zzzzzzzzzz z zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz

no such thing as a social faux paux if you're big enough to back your actions/remarks up.
Of course there is! :roll:
I also doubt you are :D
 
#9
My posh brother who lives in this converted manor house thingy, caught me p1ssing in what turned out to be a bidet. I had wondered why they needed two sh1tters. How was I to know?
 
#10
Not me unfortunately, but my best mate.

He let out an enormous fart in the presence of the Bishop of Dorking and his wife.

Saying "More tea Vicar" seemed a bit inappropriate at the time.
 
#12
We were round at someone’s house a few Saturdays ago, for something to eat.

It was all a bit more formal than I like. When we have people round here, they get something to eat, but it’s only really to soak up the industrial amount of wine and beer we jam down their throats.

This was, ‘all sat round the table at specific points - not quite namecards - but don’t you fcuking dare sit anywhere else’ There were ten of us sat down and I didn’t know four of them, because they were mates of my wife from school.

The hostess dished us up a nice, refreshing melon starter. It were lovely but little and I demolished it pretty much with one scoop of the spoon. Then she brought out this vegetable tart thing with a couple of new potatoes. I gobbled it down and carried on chatting to the bloke on my left.

Then the hostess said to me, ‘Convoy, would you like some more tart?’

“No thanks, I’m saving myself for the main course.”

“That was the main course.” She had a mouth like an arssehole in January.

Nobody laughed either. My wife made it worse by trying to cover up for me, saying,

“You mean, saving yourself for dessert!”

It was a sh-it escape plan so I didn’t even bother trying to grab it. I just sat there with a daft grin on my face, whilst everyone else thought, ‘You fcuking fat cu-nt’ My wife was saying later, that they should design a plate range at John Lewis’ for imbeciles like me, with the names of the different courses stencilled on the plate. The wan-ker.
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#13
Aunty Stella said:
I couldn't really back up sitting on an antique thinking it was a bar stool.

Even I'll admit that was a fcuk up.

You boring cunt
and all of you missesd the irony of my "social faux paux" :(
 
#14
PrinceAlbert said:
and all of you missesd the irony of my "social faux paux" :(
Er, no, not all of us, Prince, which is why we didn't bite .... anyway, there's wearing brown to Town, using public transport, being seen to carry a parcel or failing to hunt with The Quorn at least twice a year. Serving one's dinner guests deep-fried Mars bars or chip butties would probably qualify (unless they're Jock/Geordie and seriously nouveau riche), as would asking for these delicacies at the Cavalry & Guards or Claridge's. Then there's referring to a Royce as a Rolls, or to Fortnum's by any other name. Equally, to order guacamole (sorry, Peter) with a well-chilled '89 Chassagne-Montrachet at Dave's Dingle Diner, Liverpool 8, or a pink gin at virtually any hostelry in Easterhouse, is not recommended. Finally, farting in the presence of bishops is generally held to be comme il faut, though their wives can be a little tricky at such times. Probably the best rule of thumb is, "Would I do this in the presence of Gordon Brown or Jacqui Smith?" Follow that, and you won't go too far wrong.
 
#17
When I was in my early 20s my then girlfriends family invited us to a Japanese Restaurant. I was slightly nervous,as my girlfriend's parents were quite midlle class and both lawyers and I was just a young squaddie.
A lot of the meal was finger food,similar to tapas. There was also a few of those little china bottles of saki on the go. In between one of the courses the waitress bought over a couple of china bowls full of warm water and lemon slices for us to clean our fingers....................

I f ucking drank it.
 
#18
Rudie said:
When I was in my early 20s my then girlfriends family invited us to a Japanese Restaurant. I was slightly nervous,as my girlfriend's parents were quite midlle class and both lawyers and I was just a young squaddie.
A lot of the meal was finger food,similar to tapas. There was also a few of those little china bottles of saki on the go. In between one of the courses the waitress bought over a couple of china bowls full of warm water and lemon slices for us to clean our fingers....................

I f ucking drank it.
On a similar theme, on a rare trip to Mexico I was out to dine with some business acquaintances. It's been a long day and the food was taking forever to arrive, so when the waiter brought some cucumbers in a jug of water I thought "Great, a starter", dug a couple of bits out with my fingers and proceeded to crunch happily.

Well, how was I to know they were just in there to flavour the drinking water?
 
#19
I didn't know what a f*cking lounge suit was, so turned up in this knackered dinner suit I'd bought secondhand, buttoned so that the whole thing hung forward like a sack (I didn't even realise that there was a button inner left to hold the right side of the front). I was then forced to act as mess waiter for the rest of the night. Oh, the burning shame.

I also put lunch between twelve slices of bread - the Hyacinth Bucket regular army training major went ballistic - and then, within days, had a pint of bitter with lunch, she screams "Get that beer off the table" (ie no alcohol at lunch), I thought she was worried about marking the wood, so I popped it under my seat after taking a long draught.

When Arnold Rimmer (Red Dwarf) insisted on piping hot gazpacho I know exactly how he felt.
 
#20
Markintime said:
Surely people from Birmingham can't make faux pas? Any polite, well bred host or hostess will automatically know that Brummie wont know the difference between a bidet and a cludgie or indeed a Victorian plant stand and a stool. ;)
Well, thats us brummies, common as muck. :D There are some with pretentions to poshness, but they have all moved to Solihull. What most of them don't know is that "Solihull" comes from the Old English for Pig Hill.
 

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