how bone is your missus.

I regularly get a bollocking along the lines of 'I was talking to you and you wandered off'. And she doesn't understand why.
From elsewhere on this site. This has been going on for a long time.
All you are doing is following the evolutionary path.
In the end men will lose the use of their ears.

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Issi

LE
The best one is when you wander off whilst they are waffling away and some random bloke steps into their zone of talking/nagging/conversation. Without looking at who is there they carry on their conversation directing it squarely at the poor bloke who probably thinks he has stumbled across someone on day release from the funny farm.

The poor blokes remains frozen to the ground not daring to move - in case the nutty woman is dangerous. The Mrs then glances over, realises it is not you, pings you, looks at the poor bloke like he is something stuck to her shoe, then rapidly strutts over and bollocks you for wandering off.
A friend was in Honkers, and his chatty wife would call him frequently from home.

She never knew that he’d often wander off to the balcony for a fag, go and make a cup of coffee or even go to the bog, while she still twittered away without taking a breath.
 

wheel

LE
Me : What would you like for dinner ?.
Mrs: I,ve pulled some slices of belly pork out.
Me : Belly Porks cooked
Mrs: Give me a slice with no fat on it.
Me: Nods Smiles, best pick your own then.
 
Gets home this afternoon & tells her I'll water the garden before I come in.
She says "I'll get tea on & run you a bath".
OK.
Steaming hot bath & bloody steaming hot lasagne.
Good job it's only 29c says I.
Blank look.
 
Can daughters vicariously count in the how bone is your missus stakes, being female and all that?

Last week the daughter arranged with a mate of hers to fly up to Canadashire to visit for a long weekend. So she booked her ticket to Toronto. Toronto, Canada innit!

The problem was that her mate lives in Montreal. Also Canada. Thats like flying to Dortmund when you want to go to London.

All sorted now after much female flapping around. They may be able to multitask, but they can't bloody well plan.
 
The best one is when you wander off whilst they are waffling away and some random bloke steps into their zone of talking/nagging/conversation. Without looking at who is there they carry on their conversation directing it squarely at the poor bloke who probably thinks he has stumbled across someone on day release from the funny farm.

The poor blokes remains frozen to the ground not daring to move - in case the nutty woman is dangerous. The Mrs then glances over, realises it is not you, pings you, looks at the poor bloke like he is something stuck to her shoe, then rapidly strutts over and bollocks you for wandering off.
Some years ago, in the supermarket, mine pinched the bloke next to hers, arrse.
I'd wandered off, unnoticed.
Brilliantly crimson, she told the bloke she thought he was her husband.
I really regret not denying all knowledge of her.
 
At last year’s Remembrance Day service at the war memorial here in Ross we were standing next to a chap in his Para beret when from behind came a lady of our acquaintance (sister of our neighbour, wife of the chap who services our wood-burner, ex-Para). She grabs his hand and says something … then suddenly realises he’s not her husband.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I thought you were my husband!”

With great aplomb he just said “Well, not yet.”
 
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Landing at Brize a very short while ago…”has there been floods”…no…”well what are those square looking lakes with trees around them”…lakes…”lakes don’t look like that”….sigh
 
Mine has gone back to the UK for a few days to see a friend. Obviously, this necessitated buying a brand new (Samsonite FFS!) suitcase, as our large wheely grip things were seemingly no good anymore.

The friend asked for lots of Spanish delicacies 'oh and can you bring over the stuff I left behind last time....' This includes a pair of Kurt Geiger (sp) Pride Trainers, which friend bought for stupid money. And a 70 euro bottle of brandy - that's the Spanish price.

CinCNagHome spent hours packing the case yesterday - right up until almost midnight. Did I mention that we were getting up at 0300 so I could have the pleasure of driving her to the airport? By the time she'd finished it was bang on the weight limit.

Dropped her off, came home, relaxed. Just had a call to say she's arrived safely...... but her suitcase hasn't. I had to be sympathetic instead of saying 'karma's a bitch, ain't it?'

If it is still here, in Spain the next flight isn't until Saturday and she's back Tuesday.
 
There’s five northern Irish women in the kitchen at the moment and I want to get some bait from the fridge. Not a chance, and never has a bunch of experts ever collected in the same space. Dogs are the current conversation.
 
Thursday, she's driving home from work and phones me: "I've got a tyre pressure warning. What should I do?"
Me: "Pump it up and monitor it to see if it is a slow puncture."
Her: "ok". Nothing more is said.
Sunday, I'm driving her car: " The tyre pressure warning is still on, did you pump it up?" thinking we were now going to divert to Kwik-Fit to sort it out.
Her: "No, I'm monitoring it like you said"
Me: "What? Monitoring it getting flatter?"
I pull into a forecourt and pump it up, checking the others as I go.
Me "Now you can monitor it!"
Her: "Hmmfff"
My Mrs once called me , after I had told her that when driving home check the fuel , if it’s a third left then fill it up.

Well there are two gages on her car . Both look exactly the same , right one is fuel, left one is temperature , it’s a Kajar but they use the same colored LEDs , white but there are red lines printed on the side so you know where the fuel and temperature is.

One-morning , I leave early than her . Get a call.

She is in a real panic, she got in the car , started it , checked the fuel and it was full. But the cooling water was empty , she was in a right state.

“Oh , well as you drive the car it will make more water and the gage will show it getting fuller.”
 
Mine has gone back to the UK for a few days to see a friend. Obviously, this necessitated buying a brand new (Samsonite FFS!) suitcase, as our large wheely grip things were seemingly no good anymore.

The friend asked for lots of Spanish delicacies 'oh and can you bring over the stuff I left behind last time....' This includes a pair of Kurt Geiger (sp) Pride Trainers, which friend bought for stupid money. And a 70 euro bottle of brandy - that's the Spanish price.

CinCNagHome spent hours packing the case yesterday - right up until almost midnight. Did I mention that we were getting up at 0300 so I could have the pleasure of driving her to the airport? By the time she'd finished it was bang on the weight limit.

Dropped her off, came home, relaxed. Just had a call to say she's arrived safely...... but her suitcase hasn't. I had to be sympathetic instead of saying 'karma's a bitch, ain't it?'

If it is still here, in Spain the next flight isn't until Saturday and she's back Tuesday.
Don’t count on seeing the suitcase again. There are warehouses full of lost cases in Edinburgh.
 
My Mrs once called me , after I had told her that when driving home check the fuel , if it’s a third left then fill it up.

Well there are two gages on her car . Both look exactly the same , right one is fuel, left one is temperature , it’s a Kajar but they use the same colored LEDs , white but there are red lines printed on the side so you know where the fuel and temperature is.

One-morning , I leave early than her . Get a call.

She is in a real panic, she got in the car , started it , checked the fuel and it was full. But the cooling water was empty , she was in a right state.

“Oh , well as you drive the car it will make more water and the gage will show it getting fuller.”

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Don’t count on seeing the suitcase again. There are warehouses full of lost causes in Edinburgh.
Fixed that for you, the big warehouse are the bottom of the Royal Mile is the worst...
 
Thursday, she's driving home from work and phones me: "I've got a tyre pressure warning. What should I do?"
Me: "Pump it up and monitor it to see if it is a slow puncture."
Her: "ok". Nothing more is said.
Sunday, I'm driving her car: " The tyre pressure warning is still on, did you pump it up?" thinking we were now going to divert to Kwik-Fit to sort it out.
Her: "No, I'm monitoring it like you said"
Me: "What? Monitoring it getting flatter?"
I pull into a forecourt and pump it up, checking the others as I go.
Me "Now you can monitor it!"
Her: "Hmmfff"
So she didn't rotate the tyre so the flat bit was at the top?

More clever than the average Doris.
 
I told her not to go to Tesco this afternoon after seeing her pals.
I told her I'd get the milk, which I did from the Esso Tesco garage.
I told her Tesco was mobbed and understaffed at the checkouts.
I told her I was only considering her well being.

She went.
Got more milk we do not need plus some facewipes whatever these females use.
Got harassed by some former pupils taking the piss since after all she's a 70 years old senior citizen on her own after all.
What the fukkers did not bargain on is the fact she's so well known instore, and the krunts got dealt with by security & managers who called Police..who funnily enough were just cruising around.
We think they were gassed on cheap booze.
She got taken to to canteen, Police took statements. Doubt much will transpire but she might listen next time.
We have not had that convo yet. Perhaps tomorrow.
I do believe The Long Haired Ones have two ears like us?
She's OK though..just mad she was isolated & disadvantaged for a minute to defend.
 
I told her not to go to Tesco this afternoon after seeing her pals.
I told her I'd get the milk, which I did from the Esso Tesco garage.
I told her Tesco was mobbed and understaffed at the checkouts.
I told her I was only considering her well being.

She went.
Got more milk we do not need plus some facewipes whatever these females use.
Got harassed by some former pupils taking the piss since after all she's a 70 years old senior citizen on her own after all.
What the fukkers did not bargain on is the fact she's so well known instore, and the krunts got dealt with by security & managers who called Police..who funnily enough were just cruising around.
We think they were gassed on cheap booze.
She got taken to to canteen, Police took statements. Doubt much will transpire but she might listen next time.
We have not had that convo yet. Perhaps tomorrow.
I do believe The Long Haired Ones have two ears like us?
She's OK though..just mad she was isolated & disadvantaged for a minute to defend.

You sure you want to have that conversation?

Once she gets home, you present her with a target rich environment.

Good luck . . .
 

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