how bone is your missus.

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
Establishing the ground rules early on is key.

"Does my arse look big in this"
"You know you haven't got a big arse, but that skirt/dress/jeans don't flatter you as much as that other skirt/dress/jeans. It's not cut for a bigger figure, it's not you"

And then there's those who prefer the radio silence which follows such statements as "Does my . . . . . ?".
 
It's when they moan that their tits are too small and they'd really like bigger ones and should they get a boob job that really needs to elicit the response, "Just rub loo roll between them a few times."

"Will that make my breasts bigger?"

"Don't see why not - it's worked a treat on your arse!"
SWMBO is the opposite and claims her tits are too big. I just cannot comprehend that statement!!
 
Not my missus, but my sainted mother, she of Phi Beta Kappa and Summa Cum Laude fame. Using her brand-new Kitchenaide mixer to whip up a cake, she reached in to clear a pesky lump of batter when the machine, growling, bared its chrome-plated teeth and deftly grappled and then removed her right thumb. I was at home and heard the blood curdling screams. I dashed into the kitchen to see my mother squirting arterial blood into the mix.

Tourniquet applied, ambulance called, thumb reattached successfully, but no cake for us that night....

- Ed
Blood Pancakes.Mmmm
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Should’ve left them outside. Hateful, ugly lumps of shit those things. The Indoor Commander got one for Christmas which now illuminates our every waking moment with a delightful red glow. Shit.
99% of ‘Himalayian’ salt blocks come from Pakistan and they are one of the biggest cons perpetrated on humanity.
 
Son in law worked briefly at The Giant's Causeway in Norn Iron. A World Heritage site. He was working in the shop one day and a female septic asked him where she could buy some of the rock. She couldn't get it into her head that none was for sale.
 
99% of ‘Himalayian’ salt blocks come from Pakistan and they are one of the biggest cons perpetrated on humanity.
Quote from Wikipedia
Some salts mined in Pakistan are not suitable for food or industrial use without purification due to impurities.[1] Some salt crystals from this region have an off-white to transparent color, while the trace minerals in some veins of salt give it a pink, reddish, or beet-red color.

Does this mean that they've managed to sell us the salt that can't be used to make salt for food?

Clever bastards
 
Son in law worked briefly at The Giant's Causeway in Norn Iron. A World Heritage site. He was working in the shop one day and a female septic asked him where she could buy some of the rock. She couldn't get it into her head that none was for sale.
Bit of a missed opportunity there.

I'm sure there's plenty of rocks lying spare all around the Falls road.
 
Quote from Wikipedia
Some salts mined in Pakistan are not suitable for food or industrial use without purification due to impurities.[1] Some salt crystals from this region have an off-white to transparent color, while the trace minerals in some veins of salt give it a pink, reddish, or beet-red color.

Does this mean that they've managed to sell us the salt that can't be used to make salt for food?

Clever bastards
For a Himalayan salt crystal to absorb water and release positive ions (as per its claims) you would have to heat the aforementioned crystal to 1,500 degrees centigrade so I don’t believe a 15 watt bulb is going to cut it, unless of course you just enjoy the ambient pink glow? You can achieve the pink glow by draping your underwear over a table lamp.
 
Couple of years ago I had to take Mrs Londo to the hospital for a scan .
The previous time we went parking was a bit of a nightmare and she's fretting about it .
About 10 minutes before we left I'm just about to turn the computer off and she's still stressed so I pulled up google maps , satellite view of the hospital and said " Look plenty of spaces , there should be a few left by the time we get there .
I haven't let on to her yet .
I walked into work one day to see the receptionist tutting and playing around with her computer. She cornered me on the way in and said there was something wrong with her computer. I naively asked what was wrong.

She couldn't get the Google Maps live view working to watch a drug raid occurring a few doors up from where she lived.
 
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For a Himalayan salt crystal to absorb water and release positive ions (as per its claims) you would have to heat the aforementioned crystal to 1,500 degrees centigrade so I don’t believe a 15 watt bulb is going to cut it, unless of course you just enjoy the ambient pink glow? You can achieve the pink glow by draping your underwear over a table lamp.
Wouldn't the glow be more, yellowish-brown?
 
"Does my arse look big in this"
A long time ago a poster on ARRSE pointed out that there are two suitable answers to such a question. They are:

1: It would look big in Siberia.
2: Well it is only a small room.

I have also pointed out that there is such a thing as a stupid question. And that is it.
 
She caused a laugh in a local chippy, yesterday.
We'd had dental checkups and I got dragged around the local shops afterwards when she came up with the idea to get fish and chips for lunch. I pointed out that by the time we got back to the car and then home, it would be cold, so why don't we eat in?
She agreed, and we had lunch, being the only sit-down customers. All the time we were in there, the two guys behind the counter were talking to each others, sometimes in what sounded like Arabic, sometimes in accented English.
When we were paying at the till, she asked one of them what his accent was; really asking where he originated from. The guy took it literally, replying, "All over, really, I'm a bit of a blender."
Cloth ears hears this as bender and queried with him if he really meant that.
The bloke was confused, knowing he said blender; blending in with his location, so she makes it worse by still not realizing she's misheard and starting to explain what a bender is.
Blokes eyes went like saucers, says 'BLENDER!' His mate, the English waitress and I collapsed laughing. My wife finally falls in and cracks up. He then points at his mate, who's nearly crying with laughter, and says, "He's more of a bender than me."
We left, our services to racial and LGBT harmony completed.
 
Mrs S and I were watching a F Towers on TV and she asked what the little red barrel was for on the bar counter. I explained , Watneys Red draught bitter and so on, to which she replied “Well thats a silly idea, that little barrel cant hold very much!”

Bless em.
 
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