how bone is your missus.

Alarms? Don't ask! When we are setting off on 'an adventure' necessitating an alarm clock, I always wake up before the alarm. However, I would never trust this 100%, in case I failed and missed a flight, so I always set a 'just in case alarm'.

Now, the cat's mother will set an alarm - which is good. However, she then has to have a 'lie-in' for a half hour or so.

It is for this reason that we then end up tear-arsing down the motorway to the airport or whatever.

Possible fix. Let her do things at her speed and dodge the flight. Have an alternate plan in place for something you want to do for when it unfortunately *cough* goes sideways due to her pissing about.

She might get her shit in one sock after the fourth or fifth time it happens.
 
Possible fix. Let her do things at her speed and dodge the flight. Have an alternate plan in place for something you want to do for when it unfortunately *cough* goes sideways due to her pissing about.

She might get her shit in one sock after the fourth or fifth time it happens.
Except of course it won't be HER fault they've missed the flight, will it?
 
Of course not. Might inspire her to get a wiggle on though, so she can chivvy you along while having a good nag.
 
Aah yes, and the small matter of 'is it rush hour'?
Mornings and evenings, I operate against the traffic, so MrsR plans her trips - yep, muggins driving - on that.
Me: "We're going to be late!"
Her: "No, we've got plenty of time. Its only ten minutes down the road"
Half an hour later, she says: "Why is it taking so long???" as we sit in a GBFO queue.
Friend of mine was trying unsuccessfully to get his mother in law who hailed from the South to haul ass.
In desperation he told her that if she didn't get a move on they would hit the Horncastle rush hour.
Suddenly a whole new set of gears were engaged and they were out in no time.
For those not knowing the area a really bad day in Horncastle would probably be a tractor followed by a bus waiting at the traffic lights causing a two minute delay.
 

RTU'd

LE
The Ex has latched herself to some ex navy wally who thinks she is a catch.
I wanted to tell him he would definitely catch something but the GF thought that would be wrong.
Let him find out for himself that the hungry whore will bleed him dry & give him a dose.

That said if you are near newlands corner in surrey of an evening she is still dogging so she says.
However if you get a dose or an itch you were warned!
 
This is genuine. We had an elevator installed last year and with Covid its been a challenge getting the finishing touches, paint, trim etc done.

I took Mrs S down to the basement on Wednesday to get some sewing stuff (well it needs a driver)…..and on the way back up she said “Well good luck to Bill, the contractor, painting the walls while he’s moving at this speed”.

Then she realised he’d be stopping and starting it as he completed the paint job…….

Delightful.
 
The Ex has latched herself to some ex navy wally who thinks she is a catch.
I wanted to tell him he would definitely catch something but the GF thought that would be wrong.
Let him find out for himself that the hungry whore will bleed him dry & give him a dose.

That said if you are near newlands corner in surrey of an evening she is still dogging so she says.
However if you get a dose or an itch you were warned!

Pics? For a friend.
 
Alarms? Don't ask! When we are setting off on 'an adventure' necessitating an alarm clock, I always wake up before the alarm. However, I would never trust this 100%, in case I failed and missed a flight, so I always set a 'just in case alarm'.

Now, the cat's mother will set an alarm - which is good. However, she then has to have a 'lie-in' for a half hour or so.

It is for this reason that we then end up tear-arsing down the motorway to the airport or whatever.
Next time, announce the time of departure the evening before and promptly leave her in bed if she isn't up in good time to set off.
 

Tool

LE
I've just got her one of those alarm clocks that has a light that gradually gets brighter.

It's a more natural way to wake up & emulates waking up with sunrise leaving you feel more refreshed in the morning.

This smegging thing.
View attachment 606282

How much I here you ask? You're looking at about £80 from Amazon.
Got HiD one of them. Not much use. During winter a couple of winters ago, I needed to fly to Edinburgh for business. "I'll take a taxi", I suggest. "No. I'll drop you off" says she (the not-a-morning person). I have to be at the airport before 06:15, and say that she needs her beauty sleep (in a roundabout way). "No, I'll drop you off. I can go back to sleep when I get back from the airport". I get there on time, and she sallies back home. I phone her from Edinburgh to thank her, and wake her up. She's effing and blinding because she had a meeting at 09:00, and it's now 09:30. Yep, used the alarm clock to get up at Sparrows' with beautiful sounds and soft, gentle light, but switched it off when she got up. When she went back to sleep after dropping me off, she didn't reset the alarm, and didn't get waken up. That's my fault apparently.

She's not used the friggenthing since then, and still wakes up late ever so often. The "Mood light" sits and glowers in an evil way on her bedside table, and she manually switches it on and off at the wall plug. At least it only cost me £60, and not the £80 you paid.
 
Got HiD one of them. Not much use. During winter a couple of winters ago, I needed to fly to Edinburgh for business. "I'll take a taxi", I suggest. "No. I'll drop you off" says she (the not-a-morning person). I have to be at the airport before 06:15, and say that she needs her beauty sleep (in a roundabout way). "No, I'll drop you off. I can go back to sleep when I get back from the airport". I get there on time, and she sallies back home. I phone her from Edinburgh to thank her, and wake her up. She's effing and blinding because she had a meeting at 09:00, and it's now 09:30. Yep, used the alarm clock to get up at Sparrows' with beautiful sounds and soft, gentle light, but switched it off when she got up. When she went back to sleep after dropping me off, she didn't reset the alarm, and didn't get waken up. That's my fault apparently.

She's not used the friggenthing since then, and still wakes up late ever so often. The "Mood light" sits and glowers in an evil way on her bedside table, and she manually switches it on and off at the wall plug. At least it only cost me £60, and not the £80 you paid.
Sounds very much like these things are the modern equivalent of the K-tel Veg-O-Matic, a piece of plastic tat purchased in their thousands for Christmas presents, used once, then put in a cupboard, until being consigned to the bin 10-15 years later when someone asks, "Why are we keeping this f ucking thing, we never use it?"
 
Got HiD one of them. Not much use. During winter a couple of winters ago, I needed to fly to Edinburgh for business. "I'll take a taxi", I suggest. "No. I'll drop you off" says she (the not-a-morning person). I have to be at the airport before 06:15, and say that she needs her beauty sleep (in a roundabout way). "No, I'll drop you off. I can go back to sleep when I get back from the airport". I get there on time, and she sallies back home. I phone her from Edinburgh to thank her, and wake her up. She's effing and blinding because she had a meeting at 09:00, and it's now 09:30. Yep, used the alarm clock to get up at Sparrows' with beautiful sounds and soft, gentle light, but switched it off when she got up. When she went back to sleep after dropping me off, she didn't reset the alarm, and didn't get waken up. That's my fault apparently.

She's not used the friggenthing since then, and still wakes up late ever so often. The "Mood light" sits and glowers in an evil way on her bedside table, and she manually switches it on and off at the wall plug. At least it only cost me £60, and not the £80 you paid.
The £80 I could have paid on Amazon.
I opted for the £20 on eBay route.
 
The £80 I could have paid on Amazon.
I opted for the £20 on eBay route.
From Mr J.A.S Backpack, no doubt?

Sounds very much like these things are the modern equivalent of the K-tel Veg-O-Matic, a piece of plastic tat purchased in their thousands for Christmas presents, used once, then put in a cupboard, until being consigned to the bin 10-15 years later when someone asks, "Why are we keeping this f ucking thing, we never use it?"
Like those plug in plastic foot spas, which were all the rage a decade or so back?
1632544701673.jpeg

Now available in a range of colours and conditions at a car boot sale near you.
The domestic appliance equivalent of 50 Shades...
 

wild_moose

War Hero
Most of mine seem to revolve around driving - so here's another one.

Driving down the A27 I can see ahead that cars are swerving from the first lane into the second and back again, as we reach the are I can see there's one of these large silicone buckets on the road that people are avoiding.

I suggest she she phones the police to tell them of the potential hazard which she refuses to do as "she doesn't like phoning the police". I think it's more to do with not knowing what to say rather than being seen as some sort of informant against buckets.

I call them using hands free and let them know of the potential danger etc etc.

OH: "What will they do now?"

Me: "Send a car to get it removed before anyone hits it or another car"

OH: "Ok, will they have a look at it first on Satellite?"

Yep, you heard it here first folks the local Rozzers have access to Keyhole satellite coverage - who knew?
 
MrsR excelled herself yesterday.
We went shopping, and she decided she wanted a coke - handy fridge waiting next to the tills to trap buyers.
So loaded the bags, off to the car, she gets in the back seat - JnrRid was in front, and says 'where's my coke?'
"Umm, still in the bag?"
Next thing I see her fat arse in the rearview mirror, as she leans over the seatback to rummage through bags to find it.
BONK.
"Now what?"
"I dropped it as I was trying to get it out of the bag."
"O for Christ's sake... now don't ope...."
FSSSSSSSSSSSSH!
Now her, the back seat, rear window and shopping is covered in coke.
Get home, and I haul the bags indoors, onto kitchen counter, unpack - with wet cloth handy - the stuff, and stow it.
She, meanwhile, gets a small bucket, adds some cleaning agent, and toddles off to clean the car.
5 minutes later, as I'm just settling down to watch the F1 build up...
"How do I get the headrests out of the seats?"
"Why not just clean them in place? Surely they aren't that sticky?
"No, they're getting in the way as I try to reach the rear window."
Get up, go outside, open hatch, grab cloth from her dainty hand, wipe the inside of rear window and say "Voila!"
"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO BLOODY CLEVER!"
 
We're watching something on Netflix. In a room are two characters; a man in a blue suit and a woman in what's left of a heavily bloodstained white t-shirt.
As I'm currently looking for a blue suit but have not been finding a blue suit in the blue I like, I say "there, that's the kind of blue suit I'm looking for".
She says "which one?"
 
Most of mine seem to revolve around driving - so here's another one.

Driving down the A27 I can see ahead that cars are swerving from the first lane into the second and back again, as we reach the are I can see there's one of these large silicone buckets on the road that people are avoiding.

I suggest she she phones the police to tell them of the potential hazard which she refuses to do as "she doesn't like phoning the police". I think it's more to do with not knowing what to say rather than being seen as some sort of informant against buckets.

I call them using hands free and let them know of the potential danger etc etc.

OH: "What will they do now?"

Me: "Send a car to get it removed before anyone hits it or another car"

OH: "Ok, will they have a look at it first on Satellite?"

Yep, you heard it here first folks the local Rozzers have access to Keyhole satellite coverage - who knew?
You fool, she meant on Google Earth.
 

NSP

LE
I've just got her one of those alarm clocks that has a light that gradually gets brighter.

It's a more natural way to wake up & emulates waking up with sunrise leaving you feel more refreshed in the morning.

This smegging thing.
View attachment 606282

How much I here you ask? You're looking at about £80 from Amazon.

Imagine my surprise to find it's just like a Binatone clock radio with a candle lightbulb stuck in the back that get's very hot. it also has an alarm which is like something you have to scare wildlife away or to warn of an imminent reactor meltdown. Just what you need after being slowly roused from your slumber. Discounting the other 3 alarms she has at various intervals from daft o'clock onwards, the last of which she puts on snooze after she gets up.

It's also an absolute schweinhund to programme. Even Alan Turing would have snapped like a twig and thrown it at the wall.

I'm glad I got hers 2nd hand from ebay now, won't be such a loss when it gets mysteriously broken
Looks like a novelty eyeball.
 
I think for most women television is nothing short of magic. They get theatre, which is why more women go than men, but telly, for them, has something of The Devil about it.

I think that’s why they unplug then when there’s a thunderstorm.
Television is definitely magic for Mrs RM, The minute the "da da da da dah dah " Strictly theme tune comes on, I magically fcuk off to the pub!
 

colinmc400

Old-Salt
After 25 years of marriage, my significant other has still not figured out that i add a 1/2 hr earlier buffer zone, onto to every time that requires her to sort her shite out and get in the car.
 
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