how bone is your missus.

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
It's because they refuse to throw out clothes that no longer fit / they rarely wear. It seems to be a hoarding instinct.
Tell me about it, we've just had wardrobes fitted to the bedroom, one either side of the room, floor to ceiling, wall to wall. I now have plenty of space to hang shirts, suits, polo shirts, rugby shirts, jeans and space in one cupboard for our 3 suitcases. Her's is full with clothes in boxes and bags, she's now decided that it might be time to have a clear out, especially of the size 8 stuff she hasn't worn in over a decade.
 
The Joy of Washing machines

On buying a new machine as the other ones bearings went
Leave at least 1/3rd of the drum empty

Unless its things like towels which get very heavy when wet

Thud Thud Thud Bang Crash

I say again

Leave at least 1/3rd of the drum empty

Unless its things like towels which get very heavy when wet

But Towels arent heavy

They are when theyre ******* wet

Thud Thud Thud Bang Crash

What part of etc

SWMBO = I Forgot why do you get angry


Today I step out of the Kitchen to find the Living room bedroom Bathroom and hall and every cupboard are a under an inch of water - which is pissing out of the washing machine door

Said item is absolutely toppers with Tshirts and stuffed toys shes cleaning for the niece (Soft toys are worse than towels they fecking quadrouple in weight)

I start emptying things and moving furniture - oh as well as all the onions and spuds from the garden

I begin to empty washing machine ( swearing commences) I remove cuddly toy that weighs as much as a small car - I now have tirets (however its feckin spêlt)


Why is do not overload the washing machine such a difficult instruction to follow - it isnt rocket science

Epilogue

I recconect washing machine - instruct missus to put a small load in to test it before we start putting furniture back

"What if it leaks"

Thats the reason for the test - we stop it fast - but as I think the only reason it leaked is because you overloaded it we should be good.

"I want a new washing machine because I dont want this to happen again"

To which i replied what benefit would a new machine bring - given that the cause of this unfortunate malfunction was you dearest placing both to many and to heavy objects thus exceeding its maximum load capacity.
A new mechanical contrivance will not prevent said error and thus be a nugatory effort**.

Upshot of the evening her indoors has flooded the house - destroyed 2 carpets / large rugs damaged the bathroom fittings and possibly the bedroom furniture but Im in the wrong.


**OK those were not the exact words I used and there may have been a few more beggining with F and C
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
The Joy of Washing machines

On buying a new machine as the other ones bearings went
Leave at least 1/3rd of the drum empty

Unless its things like towels which get very heavy when wet

Thud Thud Thud Bang Crash

I say again

Leave at least 1/3rd of the drum empty

Unless its things like towels which get very heavy when wet

But Towels arent heavy

They are when theyre ******* wet

Thud Thud Thud Bang Crash

What part of etc

SWMBO = I Forgot why do you get angry


Today I step out of the Kitchen to find the Living room bedroom Bathroom and hall and every cupboard are a under an inch of water - which is pissing out of the washing machine door

Said item is absolutely toppers with Tshirts and stuffed toys shes cleaning for the niece (Soft toys are worse than towels they fecking quadrouple in weight)

I start emptying things and moving furniture - oh as well as all the onions and spuds from the garden

I begin to empty washing machine ( swearing commences) I remove cuddly toy that weighs as much as a small car - I now have tirets (however its feckin spêlt)


Why is do not overload the washing machine such a difficult instruction to follow - it isnt rocket science

Epilogue

I recconect washing machine - instruct missus to put a small load in to test it before we start putting furniture back

"What if it leaks"

Thats the reason for the test - we stop it fast - but as I think the only reason it leaked is because you overloaded it we should be good.

"I want a new washing machine because I dont want this to happen again"

To which i replied what benefit would a new machine bring - given that the cause of this unfortunate malfunction was you dearest placing both to many and to heavy objects thus exceeding its maximum load capacity.
A new mechanical contrivance will not prevent said error and thus be a nugatory effort**.

Upshot of the evening her indoors has flooded the house - destroyed 2 carpets / large rugs damaged the bathroom fittings and possibly the bedroom furniture but Im in the wrong.


**OK those were not the exact words I used and there may have been a few more beggining with F and C
I just love this thread. My fav on Arrse. So here is my advice to you and other posters should you wish to remedy the situation

 
Colours Matter

Preamble:

SWMBO is a very good cook, I can make a passable mince and tatties, but that's about it. So we have mutually agreed to divide the kitchen duties thusly:
SWMBO Cooking, prep, baking
KD Cleaning and washing.

It normally works quite well. I get superb food, she gets all the washing ad tidying up done for her.

I noticed during my washing up, that the bottle of detergent we keep under the sink is getting low-ish (about ¼ full) We decant the detergent into a re-used hand wash soap dispenser, squirting it onto the dishwashing brush or pad, and always wash under hot running water. So I add it to the "Things to get at the Supermarket" list.

Next day off we go to Tesco. We follow the COVID guidelines. SWMBO goes into the store to buy, and I sit in the car perusing the wonders of ARRSE on my phone.

Shopping done, we head home, unpack and bleach everything (just in case, and don't you lot laugh . . .we haven't caught COVID, or Flu or even a cold for 2 years, so something works). I start to put the disinfected items into their proper storage spaces.

Ready?
Here we go.

KD: "I see you've bought the pomegranate scented detergent my Love"

SWMBO: "Yes, it was on offer, and I like the smell"

KD: "Makes sense"



Two days later I arrive in the kitchen to tidy up and wash any dirty dishes left out.
I spy the ready-use detergent dispenser bottle standing upside down, which is strange, as it's a pump dispenser, and leaving it upside down means the syphon tube is now in the air, not the (green) detergent liquid.
Before I can say a word however, SWMBO starts.

SWMBO: "I see you've noticed the washing-up-liquid bottle is upside down"

KD: "Yes my Petal, wh . . . "

SWMBO: "Before you start, it's so I can drain out all the green liquid and use it all up" "Make sure you unscrew the cap and let it dribble onto the brush"

KD: "Alright my Beloved, but why don't you just add the new detergent we just bought to the bottle, so we won't have to drain it?"

SWMBO: "Don't be silly" "It's a different colour"

KD: "I know the new one's red and the old one is green, but it's really the same stuff, why don't we jsut add it into the bottle"

SWMBO: "Because it's a different colour"

KD: "But it's exactly the same stuff, just with a different colour and scent"

SWMBO: "You can't mix them" "The colour would be strange, and because they're so thick, they'll have different layers"


*I'm about to say "so fücking what?" but at the last second, I see the look and SWMBO's eye and merely say
KD: "OK Dear"

4 days later, the liquid in the dispensing bottle finally runs out. Thank goodness, it's so fiddly draining and recapping it, and the slippery stuff get all over my fingers. I rinse it the bottle well (while thinking silly woman) and I go into the sink cupboard to get the bottle of detergent to fill up the bottle.
There are two bottles of detergent under the sink. The new red coloured one, and the ¼ full green one.

I wonder through to where SWMBO is having a cup of coffee and show her the green bottle.

KD: "We've been draining and fiddling with that bottle to get the green stuff out, while this bottle isn't even finished yet"

SWMBO: "That's you fault then" "You never told me that that bottle still had some in it"

I want to scream "THE COLOUR OF THE FÜCKING DETERGENT DOEN'T MATTER A FÜCK"

But I don't.
I have had my revenge.

SWMBO hasn't seen it yet, but there will be screams.

mixed colour.jpg
 
The Joy of Washing machines

On buying a new machine as the other ones bearings went
Leave at least 1/3rd of the drum empty

Unless its things like towels which get very heavy when wet

Thud Thud Thud Bang Crash

I say again

Leave at least 1/3rd of the drum empty

Unless its things like towels which get very heavy when wet

But Towels arent heavy

They are when theyre ******* wet

Thud Thud Thud Bang Crash

What part of etc

SWMBO = I Forgot why do you get angry


Today I step out of the Kitchen to find the Living room bedroom Bathroom and hall and every cupboard are a under an inch of water - which is pissing out of the washing machine door

Said item is absolutely toppers with Tshirts and stuffed toys shes cleaning for the niece (Soft toys are worse than towels they fecking quadrouple in weight)

I start emptying things and moving furniture - oh as well as all the onions and spuds from the garden

I begin to empty washing machine ( swearing commences) I remove cuddly toy that weighs as much as a small car - I now have tirets (however its feckin spêlt)


Why is do not overload the washing machine such a difficult instruction to follow - it isnt rocket science

Epilogue

I recconect washing machine - instruct missus to put a small load in to test it before we start putting furniture back

"What if it leaks"

Thats the reason for the test - we stop it fast - but as I think the only reason it leaked is because you overloaded it we should be good.

"I want a new washing machine because I dont want this to happen again"

To which i replied what benefit would a new machine bring - given that the cause of this unfortunate malfunction was you dearest placing both to many and to heavy objects thus exceeding its maximum load capacity.
A new mechanical contrivance will not prevent said error and thus be a nugatory effort**.

Upshot of the evening her indoors has flooded the house - destroyed 2 carpets / large rugs damaged the bathroom fittings and possibly the bedroom furniture but Im in the wrong.


**OK those were not the exact words I used and there may have been a few more beggining with F and C
I, too have played this game.
But mine was even.more fun... You do realise towels, shirts etc are easy to hang on the line?
Cuddly plush toys, even after a spin cycle, still weigh a lot, and are not wash line compatible.
In fact, even if you use a dozen pegs, first gust of wind and the fluffy fckuers are down in the dirt.
"Oh dear, I'll have to wash them again now..."
AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DRY THEM?
I was contemplating a series of bootlaces made into nooses, but that is not very funny.
 
I, too have played this game.
But mine was even.more fun... You do realise towels, shirts etc are easy to hang on the line?
Cuddly plush toys, even after a spin cycle, still weigh a lot, and are not wash line compatible.
In fact, even if you use a dozen pegs, first gust of wind and the fluffy fckuers are down in the dirt.
"Oh dear, I'll have to wash them again now..."
AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DRY THEM?
I was contemplating a series of bootlaces made into nooses, but that is not very funny.
Place Teddy in a mesh bag and attach to six feet of strong cord. Have fun covering everything in spray as you whirl it round your head. It's worth the flak.
 
Tell me about it, we've just had wardrobes fitted to the bedroom, one either side of the room, floor to ceiling, wall to wall. I now have plenty of space to hang shirts, suits, polo shirts, rugby shirts, jeans and space in one cupboard for our 3 suitcases. Her's is full with clothes in boxes and bags, she's now decided that it might be time to have a clear out, especially of the size 8 stuff she hasn't worn in over a decade.
A mustachio'd chappy at 'EMP-Outfitters & Pret a Shmutter' tells me that there are great economies to be made, as sewing two size8 things together makes a dress that will easily fit a size 15 ;)
 
We went out for the weekend to shake down the new to us motorhome , and .... she asked my son and his kids if they'd like to go as well...but this is another bone idea for another time ,

we were going north , but she looked at the site again and there was really nothing for the kids there so she booked for one of the more local places

imaging her surprise , (after saying ..."I'll do the booking in this time you got a lousy pitch last time (not m fault it had been booked by her a couple of weeks earlier , but, I know my place

she was a bit longer than I thought she should be , having got into a heated discussion with the lady receptionist as to why they hadn't got the pitch ready for us , and she had been told it was booked , so why was there nothing in her booking log etc etc

Then the look of absolute guttedness when she realised she had booked fron 1st August for three night ......and it was Saturday 31st of July
son pulled up in my car with the kids bikes in it and his kit, "why is Mum looking like she's going to burst into tears in there ?"

we eventually got a pitch (and a decent one ) ...I thought that's one in the bag for me next time it's needed , bjut even though she'd seen the Email confirmation she still is arguing that they got it wrong

just kill me now
 
We went out for the weekend to shake down the new to us motorhome , and .... she asked my son and his kids if they'd like to go as well...but this is another bone idea for another time ,

we were going north , but she looked at the site again and there was really nothing for the kids there so she booked for one of the more local places

imaging her surprise , (after saying ..."I'll do the booking in this time you got a lousy pitch last time (not m fault it had been booked by her a couple of weeks earlier , but, I know my place

she was a bit longer than I thought she should be , having got into a heated discussion with the lady receptionist as to why they hadn't got the pitch ready for us , and she had been told it was booked , so why was there nothing in her booking log etc etc

Then the look of absolute guttedness when she realised she had booked fron 1st August for three night ......and it was Saturday 31st of July
son pulled up in my car with the kids bikes in it and his kit, "why is Mum looking like she's going to burst into tears in there ?"

we eventually got a pitch (and a decent one ) ...I thought that's one in the bag for me next time it's needed , bjut even though she'd seen the Email confirmation she still is arguing that they got it wrong

just kill me now
Oh yes thats so sweet, never ever forget that one.
 
A mustachio'd chappy at 'EMP-Outfitters & Pret a Shmutter' tells me that there are great economies to be made, as sewing two size8 things together makes a dress that will easily fit a size 15 ;)
Reminds me of an old gag. Chap goes into a lingerie department to buy a bra for the wife. When queried about the size he says 14. 'We don't do a size 14. How did you get that number?' 'Well' sez he, 'I wear a size 7 hat and that covers one of them'.
 

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