how bone is your missus.

Issi

LE
As a bonus, one episode remains firmly imprinted;

A bloke turned up at the television surgery with a problem with his arrse - piles, excessively sweaty ringpiece or some such complaint.

With no sense of irony the telly people give Dr Christian the gig.

"Just take off your trousers and pants and hop up on the bed face down" says he, that rare man who actually looks forward to going to work.

Bloke does what he is told and Dr Christian goes in for a Close Target Recce.

He suddenly recoils with a look of disgust on his face.

"When did you last have a bowel movement?" he enquires sternly.

"Er about five minutes ago" says the bloke tentatively.

"Well I strongly suggest you revisit your wiping technique" says the good Doctor.

Bloke didn't seem that phased.

I heard a similar tale (possibly one for the Urban Army Myths), about a Para who had to give a urine sample.

He duly picked up a sample jar and took it away for the sample the next day.

The sample was duly handed over to the Duty Medic, who took one look at it and stated -

"What's wrong with that, it's all cloudy"

"Oh right" said the Para " Well I did just have a w4nk"
 

Clunker

Old-Salt
We're in COVID lockdown at the moment.

Her: "Do you want anything from the shops"
Me thinking my diet has been going well "How about a block of chocolate?"
Her: "Oh FFS, that means I have to go inside! I'm not doing that!"
Me: ?????????????????

For some reason, she was going to get cash out from an ATM which is outside the shopping centre. Not sure how this translates into "going to the shops" and why she would bother asking in the first place if she didn't want to go in.
Logic = Matter
Women (mostly) = Antimatter

Mix them at your own risk.
 

Issi

LE
Let me guess. The Mrs.
In a few years time when you're finished in the Falklands you'll end up fetching it back again.

Not a female, but a bloke from Yorkshire that I worked with in Bangkok.

He brought over a giant suitcase, that was stuffed full of jumpers, fleeces and bobble hats.

I asked what the bloody hell was he doing, bringing all that winter gear to Thailand?

"Eeh Lad! Tha' never knows what might 'appen"
 
Last edited:

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Not a female, but a bloke from Yorkshire that I worked with in Bangkok.

He brought over a giant suitcase, that was stuffed full of jumpers, fleeces and bobble hats.

I asked what the bloody hell was he doing bringing all that winter gear to Thailand.

"Eeh Lad!, tha' never knows what might 'appen"


We have sent at least one box of baby clothes.

Apparently to sell on social media.
 

9.414

War Hero
When it comes to making money wimin know best,experts at spending too
Once you understand that when they buy the £100 something that is a “bargain” as it is £20 off, that leaves them £20 to buy something else with the £20 they saved earlier, and learn to accept that both items are useless but bargain acquisitions that saved a lot of money you are well on the way to peace and harmony.

It also provides two “unused” items to sell really cheap a year or two later. This also produces revenue that they can use for their next shopping trip.
 

NSP

LE
Not herself but her daughter (19)...

Herself: "Your brother's birthday: he want's to do an escape room thing. When are you and your BF free?"

Her daughter: "We're both free on Friday."

HS: "NSP; can you book it as it is online booking and you have a credit card and I'll give you the money?"

NSP: "Okay. But I'll pay for me and Son - it can be my pressie for him."

HS: "Ooh. Good idea!!"

NSP goes and books said experience (sort of a Crystal Maze-type thing). Forwards confirmation email to Mrs. NSP.

HD: "Mum!! I told you that we couldn;t do Friday. We're both working!!"

HS: "........."

HS: "Darling. They're both working Friday. Can you change the booking for the evening?"

NSP: "Read the email: once confirmed, no changes, no refunds. I'll call them but standby for pissed off. If there's a penalty my hand will be in her pocket sharpish."

HS: "Daughter!! He's not happy!! Don tin hat and flak jacket."

NSP calls venue. Explains the situation. Venue bod has teenagers of his own; agrees that they are fundamentally wankers. Has slot free in the evening. Agrees to move our booking to that slot as sympathises with my lot, especially given that they are not my teenagers.

NSP: "HS; sorted. However, if son, daughter or daughter's BF are ever this big a pain in my arse again I will be a pain in theirs with a BFO pitchfork."

Mrs. NSP sends a video of the three stooges apologising for being a pain in the arse. Except Grumpyknicker's lips aren't moving.

We'll be having a chat when I am next over there. HD will not enjoy it...
 
Not herself but her daughter (19)...

Herself: "Your brother's birthday: he want's to do an escape room thing. When are you and your BF free?"

Her daughter: "We're both free on Friday."

HS: "NSP; can you book it as it is online booking and you have a credit card and I'll give you the money?"

NSP: "Okay. But I'll pay for me and Son - it can be my pressie for him."

HS: "Ooh. Good idea!!"

NSP goes and books said experience (sort of a Crystal Maze-type thing). Forwards confirmation email to Mrs. NSP.

HD: "Mum!! I told you that we couldn;t do Friday. We're both working!!"

HS: "........."

HS: "Darling. They're both working Friday. Can you change the booking for the evening?"

NSP: "Read the email: once confirmed, no changes, no refunds. I'll call them but standby for pissed off. If there's a penalty my hand will be in her pocket sharpish."

HS: "Daughter!! He's not happy!! Don tin hat and flak jacket."

NSP calls venue. Explains the situation. Venue bod has teenagers of his own; agrees that they are fundamentally wankers. Has slot free in the evening. Agrees to move our booking to that slot as sympathises with my lot, especially given that they are not my teenagers.

NSP: "HS; sorted. However, if son, daughter or daughter's BF are ever this big a pain in my arse again I will be a pain in theirs with a BFO pitchfork."

Mrs. NSP sends a video of the three stooges apologising for being a pain in the arse. Except Grumpyknicker's lips aren't moving.

We'll be having a chat when I am next over there. HD will not enjoy it...
Reminds me of daughter going on exchange visit to France.
Decides at last minute that she is not going.

Pointed out that the tickets are booked.

"Well you can cancel and get the money back"

I point to the words "Non refundable" on the air tickets.

Daughters head drops and she goes off to pack bags.

Actually had a great time.

Good kid in many many ways, it's a teenage thing.
 
Last edited:
Reminds me of daughter going on exchange visit to France.
Decides at last minute that she is not going.

Pointed out that the tickets are booked.

"Well you can cancel and get the money back"

I point to the words "Non refundable" on the air tickets.

Daughters head drops and she goes off to pack bags.

Actually had a great time.

Good kid in many many ways, it's a teenage thing.
When the girls were growing up we tried to have as few rules and restrictions as possible.
However there were also duties which included visits to see grandparents, a three line whip.
Elder daughter refused to leave house for an arranged visit to grandma.
Her mum was very sympathetic!!!!!
Next seen dragging daughter down the path to the car by the hair.
Didn't dare ask what was said in the house.
 
Aye - just like the annual clearing out of her side of the wardrobe. The amount of items with price tags on them - unbeleivable. My side - feck all.
You have a side to a wardrobe, I have 2 draws and one of those is filled with skiddies and socks.
 

Kirkz

LE
You have a side to a wardrobe, I have 2 draws and one of those is filled with skiddies and socks.
I have 2 wardrobes, wouldn't let the ex split the set, one is just full of shite
 
You have a side to a wardrobe, I have 2 draws and one of those is filled with skiddies and socks.
We have a wardrobe, about 20% of which has my stuff in it.
We've also got a 5 drawer chest of drawers, 1 of which is mine.
All my skiddies and socks are crammed into my bedside unit.
There are also some under bed storage boxes, none of which are mine.
There's a wardrobe in one of the spare bedrooms one takes one's life in one's hand if one opens the door, lest one be killed in an avalanche of female clothing.
The other spare bedroom is her "craft" room - which keeps her nicely away from me.
 

Tool

LE
She has 3m of floor-to-wall cupboard. I have 2m. 1/2 of my space is her clothing she does not have space for (or the sprogette's for the same reason). I cannot understand why the entrance to the office is packed from doorjam on left to doorjam on right with her hanging clothing that "there's no space in the cupboard" for. She works from home and has done so for the last 8 years within reason.

That does not include the full-sized suitcase packed with her jumpers that is stored in the airing cupboard, or the same that is kept in the same cupboard with the hot-water boiler.
 

miner69er

War Hero
1627400493925.png

Luxury!
 
She has 3m of floor-to-wall cupboard. I have 2m. 1/2 of my space is her clothing she does not have space for (or the sprogette's for the same reason). I cannot understand why the entrance to the office is packed from doorjam on left to doorjam on right with her hanging clothing that "there's no space in the cupboard" for. She works from home and has done so for the last 8 years within reason.

That does not include the full-sized suitcase packed with her jumpers that is stored in the airing cupboard, or the same that is kept in the same cupboard with the hot-water boiler.
It's because they refuse to throw out clothes that no longer fit / they rarely wear. It seems to be a hoarding instinct.
 
It's because they refuse to throw out clothes that no longer fit / they rarely wear. It seems to be a hoarding instinct.
The wife still has her wedding dress from 40 years ago.
Neatly folded in a big box cushioned with loads of tissue paper.
She occasionally takes it out to "air" it.
After which it goes back in the big box cushioned with etc etc.

But I'm still in love with the daft mare.
 

Latest Threads

Top