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how bone is your missus.

We bought a wireless printer to put upstairs in the office/3rd bedroom. Since we bought it 6 weeks ago, it has sat, plugged in and paperless, without being used, on the floor while we look for a small table on which to set it up permanently.
Last night she's sat downstairs on her laptop and pressed 'print'. 5 mins later she says "can you go up and get my printing?".
Now I hadn't seen her move in half an hour so I was suspicious but I went upstairs anyway... to find everything in darkness, the printer switched off and the printer paper in the cupboard.
A shout from downstairs "it says 'printer not responding'".
Having turned it all on, fed it paper and retrieved the now-printed docs I go back downstairs.
"It doesn't work if it's not switched on and loaded babe"
"Oh, I thought it would turn itself on" she says.
My pointing out that the washing machine doesn't load itself and turn itself on was, apparently, "not helpful".
Yes it does, and the drier and the iron
 
We're watching 'The Crown' last night on Netflix, it's the episode where Michael Fagan breaks into the palace and ends up having a chat with HMQ in her bedroom. He's wandering the corridors of a deserted and unguarded Buck House (I didn't know this but apparently he broke in twice, the first time he was interrupted and legged it).
Suddenly she pipes up, "Do you think that's really Buckingham Palace?"
Was it the real Michael Fagan?
 
We did the Christmas cards a couple of days ago. For the past few years I've accepted a role in this - she does the cards, I do the envelopes.
Every year we have the same ..... conversation:
Her: "I'm cutting down the list this year, some of these people we haven't seen for thirty years".
Me "Is it worth it? One cheap charity card and 2nd class stamp against them assuming one or both of us has snuffed it and all the shite that'll kick off, cards are a way of checking in."

This year I just said OK, whatever.

Today.
Her "BUGGERIT! We just got a card from KIm, what should I do?"
Me "First of a few I'm guess, I'm saying nothing; except I told....."
Her "Shut up! You can do the card."

I've told her she'll be doing the rest.
Where was mine then?
 
She cut her finger on a razor. Nothing wrong with that, except that she's currently on post op Fragmin, so the bleeding wouldn't stop.


My response of "it's called a cut throat yet you only did your finger" wasn't appreciated.
 
She cut her finger on a razor. Nothing wrong with that, except that she's currently on post op Fragmin, so the bleeding wouldn't stop.


My response of "it's called a cut throat yet you only did your finger" wasn't appreciated.

If she still had the cut-throat razor, then I salute you. A very brave man, and clever enough to learn to sleep with one eye open. For a long time........
 
We did the Christmas cards a couple of days ago. For the past few years I've accepted a role in this - she does the cards, I do the envelopes.
Every year we have the same ..... conversation:
Her: "I'm cutting down the list this year, some of these people we haven't seen for thirty years".
Me "Is it worth it? One cheap charity card and 2nd class stamp against them assuming one or both of us has snuffed it and all the shite that'll kick off, cards are a way of checking in."

This year I just said OK, whatever.

Today.
Her "BUGGERIT! We just got a card from KIm, what should I do?"
Me "First of a few I'm guess, I'm saying nothing; except I told....."
Her "Shut up! You can do the card."

I've told her she'll be doing the rest.
She does all ours. Because I can't be trusted to write them neatly enough. Imagine how upset and offended that makes me...

I am, however, trusted to schlep the fucking things to the post box.
 
Bangers and mash for dinner tonight, asks the Mrs how many sausages she wanted, she asks what packs we had, had a pack of 8 and a pack of 12, her answer? 5, fkin 5 so I have to open up the big pack instead of the little one.

Sent from my SM-N976B using Tapatalk
8+12=20
5+5=10
10 sossidges tonight, 5 for her, 5 for you, freeze 10 for next time. Job done.
FOC from a twat who used to drive tanks.
 
8+12=20
5+5=10
10 sossidges tonight, 5 for her, 5 for you, freeze 10 for next time. Job done.
FOC from a twat who used to drive tanks.
If you're going to be a Diane Abbott walt, you need a bit more practise on the maths.
The quantity of food you're eating wants to go up a bit as well.
Hope this helps.
 
Or Australia
I thought they were being a bit "regionally enthusiastic" when Israel got a guernsey, but Australia, ffksake! What really flabbers my ghast is that they can choose a "winner" out of the bilge that is supposedly melodic these days ... phaaaark!
Feck'n predictive text!!
 
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Tyk

LE
It's easy to stay out of reach, her left foot is in plaster and she won't be walking until next year.

That's exceptionally optimistic of you, women don't forget and they like to serve revenge up cold.

I keep an eye on this thread as I binned the bitch of a wife a considerable time ago and I can laugh at you poor bastards being the playthings of the evil vindictive half of the human race.
 
Mrs OS has resigned herself to the fact that if she makes ANY stupendously bone comment it will end up on here.
She has now even started to mutter the phrase "Fucking Arrse" once she's realised that she is about to grace these hallowed pages once again.
 
I thought they were being a bit "regionally enthusiastic" when Israel got a guernsey, but Australia, ffksake! What really flabbers my ghast is that they can choose a "winner" out of the bilge that is supposedly melodic these days ... phaaaark!
Feck'n predictive text!!

Especially as it's supposedly a football tournament
 

wheel

LE
That's exceptionally optimistic of you, women don't forget and they like to serve revenge up cold.

I keep an eye on this thread as I binned the bitch of a wife a considerable time ago and I can laugh at you poor bastards being the playthings of the evil vindictive half of the human race.
Good to hear that the experience has not left you bitter and twisted.
 
I asked SWMBO what she wanted for dinner tomorrow evening
"Roast pork , there's a joint in the freezer"

Me "and what would you like with it a few roasties and carrots and peas, maybe my angel?"

SWMBO "Bastard , I am trying to lose weight and you keep cooking roast potatos , I would prefer mash!!!"

now we aren't big eaters and would probably have one medium spud each so both mash and roasties would be the same amount of spud , I roast mine in about a teaspoon of duckfat ( about 5 grams ish) or mash with about 25 grams of butter and cream

being the bastard that I am , I'll force her to have the roasties so she can eat guilt free
 
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