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how bone is your missus.

Whilst brushing my teeth the other night, my good wife called out from the shower "ooh, I thought it was getting steamy in here. I've left my glasses on". I regularly have to take the phone from her hand and remove her glasses as she's lying in bed. Early onset?
 

wheel

LE
Whilst brushing my teeth the other night, my good wife called out from the shower "ooh, I thought it was getting steamy in here. I've left my glasses on". I regularly have to take the phone from her hand and remove her glasses as she's lying in bed. Early onset?
Take the car keys off her, just to be safe.
 
She's on top, nay, Olympic form today. On Friday our ancient washing machine finally gave up the ghost, so we went over to Dad's to use his, he showed her how to use it. New machine ordered by me in 5 minutes online, arriving next Monday - none of this 2 hour farting around with her "picking one she likes" online thank you very much but I digress.

Today, on our way to the supermarket we popped in to Dad's for her to put another load in the machine, then went on to the supermarket. On the way there we were stopped at some traffic signals. "Oooo, I'd forgotten there was a Costa there", she says pointing to a Costa on the other side of the road. "What? How could you forget that, we pass it at least four times a week. Plus we've never even been in there." "Well it might be nice to go for a coffee one day when we're out", pause for a few seconds, "Not to Costa though, I don't like their coffee". Your correspondent decides it's better to keep quiet at this point, lest he receives even more female fuckwittery in his earhole, a man has a breaking point after all.

Around the supermarket and back home without her doing anything remarkable, which was nice. Opening the boot at home, one of the bags of shopping had fallen over, so she takes some other bags into the house as I repack the fallen bag and then follow her in. To discover her picking the laptop mouse off the floor. "What have you done?" I asked. "Nothing, just knocked the mouse on the floor as I passed it." "You're sure you didn't knock the entire laptop on the floor, seeing as how the power lead is out and the laptop is off, when I left it on as we went out earlier?" So she admits she knocked it on the floor. As you can see, she didn't manage to smash it in her clumsy incompetence. Which is fortunate for me as I don't fancy spending Xmas banged up for murder.

So off I go around to Dad's to collect the washing, whilst she is putting the shopping away. Get's to Dad's flat, into the kitchen and what is the first thing I see? The sachet of washing liquid laid on the floor directly in front of the washing machine, that she somehow failed to actually put in the machine with the clothes. It couldn't have been any more visible if it was surrounded by flashing lights and a screaming klaxon. Still it's only my clothes that have only had a rinse and not a wash, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

Three times in one day and it's not even tea time. I might go to bed early today, just to be on the safe, prison-free side. Do you think I might get off on the grounds of diminished responsibility though if push came to shove?
 

NSP

LE


 
Dear Santa,


Dear Santa,

This is what I would like for Christmas.

I've been a mostly good boy this year.

Love

Civvy Scum.
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
I've been wanting to throw the bloody out for years now. Now that the next generation of the family is starting up, there's been more pressure on me to do all the decorations and stuff 'for the kids'
You moany git! I've got 9 kids and 11 grandkids, I don't moan, then again I am a grimpy old cnut !
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Not my missus but one of my many daughters
we visited yesterday to take some shopping over as she is working long hours
sit down in the kitchen to play with the new kat, and i am talking to my grandson about the mystery machine, this being a some sort of weird vehicle owned by an artist friend
her googling thing went mad, and kept going on about unable to connect to mystery machine as its in the USA ??
it seems that she was talking to the thing across our conversation and it picked up my voice
useless crap that I wont put up with
finally she gets google to shut the hell up
now granddaughter had not put in an appearance, so over this googling thing she makes an announcment which I gather goes through the house and onto all the phones and speakers and ipad things ??
why she does not just yell at the top of her voice as normal I have no idea ( shes a teacher)

then she started laughing and told us that the previous weekend her and the other half were discussing dinner, and how the stroppy mare would kick off and not want to eat THAT ( those phases they go through)
they all had a moan about the stroppy cow and her fussy eating habits
only for her to turn up scowling at dinner time
it seems googling thing has recorded it, and broadcast the comments throughout the house !! every half hour

thank god we never had technoogy in our house all those years ago
 
When Israel make the final, who'll be laughing ?
Reminds me of the old story where the secretary-general of the United Nations makes an announcement at a press conference that in order to promote world harmony in sport there would no longer be any more national sports teams, in the spirit of comradeship and fellowship all the nations of the world would play together as one united international team.

Following the announcement one intrigued journalist asks, "Who will the team play against?"

A bemused sec-gen looks at him and replies, "Well, Israel of course!"
 

wheel

LE
Reminds me of the old story where the secretary-general of the United Nations makes an announcement at a press conference that in order to promote world harmony in sport there would no longer be any more national sports teams, in the spirit of comradeship and fellowship all the nations of the world would play together as one united international team.

Following the announcement one intrigued journalist asks, "Who will the team play against?"

A bemused sec-gen looks at him and replies, "Well, Israel of course!"
Wrong thread again, its not surprising that you have got a few SPOTY nominations
 
SWMBO in the passenger seat and as usual complaining that it’s always too cold in my car, so off she goes fiddling with the climate control, it’s not working she concludes, it’s not coming out of the vents says she checking the dashboard, I interject with my observation that the control is on defrost. Minutes later she starts grumbling about menopause as she’s to hot and puts on the air conditioning and cracks the window, the heating in the car is changed from her last setting “cook a chicken” to the new setting of “freeze a chicken” after a another few minutes of her constant instructions on how I should be driving and the cycle begins again “it’s always too cold in your car” and the frantic stabbing on buttons begins again............
“Why are you so grumpy” she asks ........
 
Should any of our correspondents on this thread require an alibi or character reference (I've known you all 40+ years, served together and thoroughly decent chaps), it shall be freely given. I would hope some of you might reciprocate if needed.
 
Should any of our correspondents on this thread require an alibi or character reference (I've known you all 40+ years, served together and thoroughly decent chaps), it shall be freely given. I would hope some of you might reciprocate if needed.
Have you been 'offered' a part in a forthcoming court case - as "the defendant"?
 
Should any of our correspondents on this thread require an alibi or character reference (I've known you all 40+ years, served together and thoroughly decent chaps), it shall be freely given. I would hope some of you might reciprocate if needed.
More importantly can you lay a patio?
 
She's on top, nay, Olympic form today. On Friday our ancient washing machine finally gave up the ghost, so we went over to Dad's to use his, he showed her how to use it. New machine ordered by me in 5 minutes online, arriving next Monday - none of this 2 hour farting around with her "picking one she likes" online thank you very much but I digress.

Today, on our way to the supermarket we popped in to Dad's for her to put another load in the machine, then went on to the supermarket. On the way there we were stopped at some traffic signals. "Oooo, I'd forgotten there was a Costa there", she says pointing to a Costa on the other side of the road. "What? How could you forget that, we pass it at least four times a week. Plus we've never even been in there." "Well it might be nice to go for a coffee one day when we're out", pause for a few seconds, "Not to Costa though, I don't like their coffee". Your correspondent decides it's better to keep quiet at this point, lest he receives even more female fuckwittery in his earhole, a man has a breaking point after all.

Around the supermarket and back home without her doing anything remarkable, which was nice. Opening the boot at home, one of the bags of shopping had fallen over, so she takes some other bags into the house as I repack the fallen bag and then follow her in. To discover her picking the laptop mouse off the floor. "What have you done?" I asked. "Nothing, just knocked the mouse on the floor as I passed it." "You're sure you didn't knock the entire laptop on the floor, seeing as how the power lead is out and the laptop is off, when I left it on as we went out earlier?" So she admits she knocked it on the floor. As you can see, she didn't manage to smash it in her clumsy incompetence. Which is fortunate for me as I don't fancy spending Xmas banged up for murder.

So off I go around to Dad's to collect the washing, whilst she is putting the shopping away. Get's to Dad's flat, into the kitchen and what is the first thing I see? The sachet of washing liquid laid on the floor directly in front of the washing machine, that she somehow failed to actually put in the machine with the clothes. It couldn't have been any more visible if it was surrounded by flashing lights and a screaming klaxon. Still it's only my clothes that have only had a rinse and not a wash, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

Three times in one day and it's not even tea time. I might go to bed early today, just to be on the safe, prison-free side. Do you think I might get off on the grounds of diminished responsibility though if push came to shove?
Depends if the push is off the kerb in front of a bus. ;)
 

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