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how bone is your missus.

Mine detecting rat:

SWMBO: That's amazing, a rat that can detect UDIs !
Me: What ? Eh?
SWMBO: UDIs ! A rat that can sniff out UDIs !
Me: Do you mean IEDs?
SWMBO: What are those then?
Me: Improvised Explosive Devices my darling,
SWMBO: What's a UDI then clever clogs?
Me: Unilateral Declaration of Independence.
SWMBO: What's that when it's at home ?
Me: Zimbabwe used to be Rhodesia until........................I'm just going to walk the dogs, see you in a bit.

At least it doesn't sniff out IUDs.

Rat up a drainpipe?
 

Legs

ADC
Book Reviewer
Literally two minutes ago...

I am sitting in peaceful silence perusing these very pages, thinking that my dearest hadn't produced anything worth adding to this tome for some time.

Now, she is watching something on the TV. I know not what, as it it on the wall 90 degrees to the right of my screen, and she has headphones on. As I'm reading up on the bone exploits of your wives, she regales me with randomness.

Her: "Rather them than me".

I look up at the TV to see her fast forwarding through some adverts.

Me: "Rather who than you doing what?"

Her: "Brain Surgeons".

Me: "Eh?"

Her: "Rather Brain Surgeons than me doing brain surgery".

Me: "I'm looking at my screen which is nowhere near your screen reading about how bone peoples' wives are. How would I know what you're talking about?"

Her (with slow realisation that I'm just about to add her to this page): "Oh..."



Just now, as I'm writing this: "You're adding me to it again aren't you?"

Me: ;)
 
Well it’s 02:40 ,I have been woken by the sound of the coffee grinder running and the subsequent smell of fresh ly brewed. Coffee.The Mrs returns to the bedroom to inform Me that SHE can’t sleep and would I like a coffee too ?
 
Well it’s 02:40 ,I have been woken by the sound of the coffee grinder running and the subsequent smell of fresh ly brewed. Coffee.The Mrs returns to the bedroom to inform Me that SHE can’t sleep and would I like a coffee too ?
I find myself in a tricky position. SWMBO has to get up early for phys but often sets her alarm incorrectly or not at all. I have the dilemma of poking a bag of wasps to get her up or not and suffer secondary consequences.
 
Well it’s 02:40 ,I have been woken by the sound of the coffee grinder running and the subsequent smell of fresh ly brewed. Coffee.The Mrs returns to the bedroom to inform Me that SHE can’t sleep and would I like a coffee too ?

It must be a woman thing

I wake up at 2 am cant get back to sleep and so I make like the cockelshell heroes and furtively tiptoe about - creep into the lounge stick telly / pc on and carefully avoid making any noise.

Her - Not so much
She crosses the Bedroom Like Army Group A storming through the Ardennes crossess the hallway with what I can only assume is a preperatory bombardent on the Muese .
Stomps through to the kitchen where I can only assume from the noise made that she is using Kettle - crockery ad cuttlery in the Kitchen sink** to simulate Stukas divebombing ships at Dunkirk.

Then as you say will ask me if, because I cant sleep either- would i like a coffee

**Which is against the bedroom wall -
 
She was still wittering on about goat pregnancy testing at 04:00, then it went quiet.
I fell out of bed at 06:00 to walk the hounds and was scolded with " Dont you know I',m trying to sleep "

I've kept out of the house until now , just to be sure.
 
She's just come home from shopping and is trying to justify a £130 pair of trainers. Now I don't care how much they cost, there's money in the bank and she runs a lot (keeps the crazy away). It is now my duty to gently remind her of their cost just enough to allow me to smash uncomfortable amounts on hand tools and bike stuff.
 

Blogg

LE
Her Majesty departed at 10.00 this morning for a "quick chat" with a friend who has "family problems"

Series of messages: going to be a long one.

Just before 15.00 she returns having had an epic misery session from friend which boils down to:

1. Her friends son is married to a female who has been in therapy and chugging Prozac for years but getting worse. Real Box of Frogs stuff.

2. She buggered off back to Mummy and Daddy who live in Canada before Christmas. Not coming back to UK. Ever.

3. No kids. No dogs, cats or goldfish.

4. They are getting divorced

Saw no problem with that. Son best off out of it.

What they had been talking about for the remaining 4 hours and 58 minutes?

Got very uppity and told me men were insensitive and simply didn't understand.

Quite right. I really don't.
 
Her Majesty departed at 10.00 this morning for a "quick chat" with a friend who has "family problems"

Series of messages: going to be a long one.

Just before 15.00 she returns having had an epic misery session from friend which boils down to:

1. Her friends son is married to a female who has been in therapy and chugging Prozac for years but getting worse. Real Box of Frogs stuff.

2. She buggered off back to Mummy and Daddy who live in Canada before Christmas. Not coming back to UK. Ever.

3. No kids. No dogs, cats or goldfish.

4. They are getting divorced

Saw no problem with that. Son best off out of it.

What they had been talking about for the remaining 4 hours and 58 minutes?

Got very uppity and told me men were insensitive and simply didn't understand.

Quite right. I really don't.
Just had a (female) friend of mine report that her new squeeze has just smashed up the kitchen using her.

My thoughts went along similar lines. Mag to grid.
 

NSP

LE
Just had a (female) friend of mine report that her new squeeze has just smashed up the kitchen using her.

My thoughts went along similar lines. Mag to grid.
Fuck. That. Shit.

Bin 'im, report 'im, hold head high under cross-examination and don't let the counsel for the defence get under her skin.
 

NSP

LE
Do I take this to mean that he knocked her around the kitchen and also smashed the fixtures?
I get the impression that the information being imparted is that the lowlife shitheel smashed the fixtures of the kitchen using the unfortunate lady as a hammer with which to do so. The utter cunt.
 

NSP

LE
I hope so. Last report he'd been arrested. Hope she presses charges.
I don't think there's anyone on here - even that bullshitting pigeon-shouter in Nottingham - who would be anything but on her side under the circumstances you describe.

It'll sound a bit crass but you may like to tell her you've shared (anonymously) online and responses were supportive, on her side. Every little helps, after all.

Just a thought - your pal, your pigeon...
 
Kitchen full of carving knives and he's not singing soprano?
I don't think there's anyone on here - even that bullshitting pigeon-shouter in Nottingham - who would be anything but on her side under the circumstances you describe.

It'll sound a bit crass but you may like to tell her you've shared (anonymously) online and responses were supportive, on her side. Every little helps, after all.

Just a thought - your pal, your pigeon...
She has a tendency to go for that 'bad' boys...but those are addicts with no work history who have been looked after all their lives whether they care to admit it or not. The latest one was carved from the same branch; rake thin, rotten teeth, but a bit of a lad. Then the jealousy and insecurity came to the fore, and the facade slipped.

@NSPgood words, I will.
 
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