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how bone is your missus.

My little smurfette (she currently has bright blue hair) not only watches the true crime TV, she also listens to a few hours a day of podcasts, on the same subject.

Just last week, she was digging out my pension paperwork, so if I disappear next March, help her fill in the patio.

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk
 
My little smurfette (she currently has bright blue hair) not only watches the true crime TV, she also listens to a few hours a day of podcasts, on the same subject.

Just last week, she was digging out my pension paperwork, so if I disappear next March, help her fill in the patio.

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk

What size boots?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Herself bought a new light and ceiling fan at the weekend and wanted me to put it up straight away. Now this is a busy time of the year for me what with getting in crops, taking cattle to market and getting the place ready for winter which will be upon us very soon so I told her I would get it done and dusted during the week.

Unfortunately having to wait until I get time wasn't good enough for her so she decided to put it up herself yesterday, hey you crack on girl thinks I.

This morning the whole thing came crashing down and it's my fault for not doing it when she wanted it done. I will admit to a slight smile on my coupon as I left the house to go back to work with the sound of her chuntering away to herself in the background.
 

Mrs Slocombe

Old-Salt
We watched "The Secret Life of the Zoo" last night;
Her: Those penguins are really cute.
Me: Yup.
Her: What are those things on their wings?
Me: They are plastic ID tags.
Her: Is that to stop them flying away?
Me: Ha ha, they are penguins, they don't fly.
Her: They might.
Me: Penguins are flightless birds.
Her: Ooo you are so sharp, watch out you don't cut yourself.

Flying penguins
 
My little smurfette (she currently has bright blue hair) not only watches the true crime TV, she also listens to a few hours a day of podcasts, on the same subject.

Just last week, she was digging out my pension paperwork, so if I disappear next March, help her fill in the patio.

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk

About that tenner......................
 
Herself bought a new light and ceiling fan at the weekend and wanted me to put it up straight away. Now this is a busy time of the year for me what with getting in crops, taking cattle to market and getting the place ready for winter which will be upon us very soon so I told her I would get it done and dusted during the week.

Unfortunately having to wait until I get time wasn't good enough for her so she decided to put it up herself yesterday, hey you crack on girl thinks I.

This morning the whole thing came crashing down and it's my fault for not doing it when she wanted it done. I will admit to a slight smile on my coupon as I left the house to go back to work with the sound of her chuntering away to herself in the background.

...And they can really wibble into their soup when they get going.
 
Post-shopping, tea and the Daily Mail puzzle page are always a goldmine.

"I'm doing the wordsearch and there's supposed to be one word missing and I can't find two.... AND they're mostly words I don't know!!"

"What sort of words? Give me one you can't get."

(This is what I heard)
"Ecu-asion."

"'Kin' what? Spell it."

"E Q U A T I O N."

Oh how I choked.

To be fair, other words included Agouties, Edacious, Eulogia, Exonumia and Jalousie, which have just given the spell-checker a coronary.
 
Sweet death come and take me.

Got a parcel in the post today, 2 facemasks. Wasn't expecting it at all. The daughter and her husband were in Rome the other week and bought them for us. Made from cloth, with a drawstring arrangment. You put the drawstring over your head so the mask is hanging down onto your chest. Lift the mask up to your face (N.B. there's an obvious bit that goes over your nose) and grab the two bits of the drawstring on each side of the mask - loop them over your ears and pull the drawstring tight-ish at the back of your neck for a snug fit.

An excellent fit, the best I've worn, if only because my specs don't steam up. Very fancy, a good example of Italian design. Colour me impressed.

So I took hers in the car tonight when I went to pick her up from work so she could try it out. Now bear in mind she's a nurse and has been wearing masks for months now. Off we set and I'm concentrating on traffic and out of the corner of my eye I can see her struggling with the mask. Meh.

After 30 seconds or so, she triumphantly asks, "How does that look?"

When I turn my head to see and say, "It looks like you've got it on upside down", that's me being a right nasty sod apparently.
 
An episode from my long running saga of women and electricity (across four generations of them).

Doris has a small warehouse with a load of fabrics in it. She decides they shouldn't get cold in the winter.

So, unbeknownst to me, she has left four 3Kw heaters on for ages over the winter.

Naturally she gets an electricity bill for £1,800 and goes berserk.

I realise what the problem is and try to explain that 4 times 3 times 24 is a lot of electricity over a long period. And therefore a lot of money.

Her eyes glaze over whilst I am doing this rudimentary explanation. Watts, volts, amps, time, unit costs etc are a complete mystery to her.

Then I get a severe bollocking for leaving a light on and "running up a huge bill".

Two 42W bulbs left on for thirty minutes will do that. Apparently. (EDIT: Total cost of ths profligacy, including VAT and the standing charge, was just under 1p. Versus £1800).

I was going to defend myself but what's the fucking point.

I suggested that when she was making a single cuppa it might be an idea to just put water in up to the 0.5L mark rather than fill it to the brim. "What difference does that make".
 
Last edited:
An episode from my long running saga of women and electricity (across four generations of them).

Doris has a small warehouse with a load of fabrics in it. She decides they shouldn't get cold in the winter.

So, unbeknownst to me, she has left four 3Kw heaters on for ages over the winter.

Naturally she gets an electricity bill for £1,800 and goes berserk.

I realise what the problem is and try to explain that 4 times 3 times 24 is a lot of electricity over a long period. And therefore a lot of money.

Her eyes glaze over whilst I am doing this rudimentary explanation. Watts, volts, amps, time, unit costs etc are a complete mystery to her.

Then I get a severe bollocking for leaving a light on and "running up a huge bill".

Two 42W bulbs left on for thirty minutes will do that. Apparently.

I was going to defend myself but what's the ******* point.

I suggested that when she was making a single cuppa it might be an idea to just put water in up to the 0.5L mark rather than fill it to the brim. "What difference does that make".

Oh yes!! What is it with women insisting on filling the kettle to the Maximum mark? Defies all logic.
 
Oh yes!! What is it with women insisting on filling the kettle to the Maximum mark? Defies all logic.
"Someone might pop in for a cuppa"? Allowing that no one ever does of course.
 
Oh yes!! What is it with women insisting on filling the kettle to the Maximum mark? Defies all logic.

It does indeed.

But try explaining that your 2500-3000 watt kettle is one of your largest users of electricity and it takes a lot of energy to heat up water and what do you get.

Eyeballs glaze over, brain slips into neutral and is then flooded with images of fluffy kittens and chocolate.
 

Mike Barton

On ROPS
On ROPs
We 'saved' so much cash over the lock-down that we decided to buy a larger TV - not a silly size, but larger to us. To make it the doggies danglies, it was decided to get a 'smart' one.

Bought, arrived, set up, main stuff (Netflix, Prime) all sorted out. Using a connection from the back of the router with a concealed and dedicated cable - forward planning.

Anyway - I had to pop out for a couple of hours this aftie. Got back to be told the telly wasn't working, which was bizarre as I'd watched Sunday Brunch or whatever on it. On asking, it seemed she'd wanted to play some music through the telly (?) and her PC and/or phone, which she usually uses, were not up to the task.

On attempting to get the TV to 'work' it asked for Google Play. From this (so far as I can understand it) she played with the WiFi, ignored the ethernet connection, saw a prompt for a password, put in the router ID and another password........ and the telly went tits up.

Now I like my telly. I hate computers. And I hate it when somebody breaks stuff then can't remember what they did as it was being broken.

So 2 hours of my down time was spent swearing and switching things on and off aka 'Ferranti reset' until one by one I got back the stuff we'd set up.

She still denies breaking it but has been told next time there will be broken fingers........
Lucky you, you at least got a smart TV, we have a big old model that she actually chose 10 years ago, so she should be pretty clued in at this stage to its capabilities.

Anyway we got Netflix too and given the basic nature of the TV the only way we can get it on is through the PS4 and fair play to my older lad he set it up very well, the only problem being we have to use the PlayStation controllers to scroll through the options etc. I will admit to being an old geezer and I too find it a bit confusing some times.

So there we were, tucked up on the sofa with a bottle of plonk, thoroughly enjoying the sheer awfulness of The Crown series (during which I have to explain who almost every single person is, she has just about got her head around the Queen and Prince Philip at this stage but can't quite work out why they don't look like they do in the newspapers and magazines) when she wanted to watch the next show and between the two of us we got a bit mixed up with which button to press, leading us down all sorts of options (I may have mentioned there was plonk involved).

In her frustration she muttered "Ah, I will just do it manually" and got up and started to swipe the Netflix icon on the TV screen with her finger, on a 10-year-old TV that never had this marvellous facility before.
 
Mrs TS1 was academically very smart but the real world was a bit of a mystery to her.

I got a new Volvo estate. The first time she drove it she asked why the steering wheel had a dimpled effect on the rear of the leather.

I told her it was Braille for blind drivers.

"Oh", right"

About sixty miles later:

"Hang on. That can't be right surely".

Duh.
 
Lucky you, you at least got a smart TV, we have a big old model that she actually chose 10 years ago, so she should be pretty clued in at this stage to its capabilities.

Anyway we got Netflix too and given the basic nature of the TV the only way we can get it on is through the PS4 and fair play to my older lad he set it up very well, the only problem being we have to use the PlayStation controllers to scroll through the options etc. I will admit to being an old geezer and I too find it a bit confusing some times.

So there we were, tucked up on the sofa with a bottle of plonk, thoroughly enjoying the sheer awfulness of The Crown series (during which I have to explain who almost every single person is, she has just about got her head around the Queen and Prince Philip at this stage but can't quite work out why they don't look like they do in the newspapers and magazines) when she wanted to watch the next show and between the two of us we got a bit mixed up with which button to press, leading us down all sorts of options (I may have mentioned there was plonk involved).

In her frustration she muttered "Ah, I will just do it manually" and got up and started to swipe the Netflix icon on the TV screen with her finger, on a 10-year-old TV that never had this marvellous facility before.
Don't worry about being Luddites! Go to Curry's (or similar) and get a Chrome cast. Cheap as chips now. Plug it into the back of your telly, then call up Netflix or indeed ANYTHING (Netflix, Prime, YouTube, xHamster!) on your lap-top or PC and you can 'cast' it to your telly. Utterly brilliant!
 
An episode from my long running saga of women and electricity (across four generations of them).

Doris has a small warehouse with a load of fabrics in it. She decides they shouldn't get cold in the winter.

So, unbeknownst to me, she has left four 3Kw heaters on for ages over the winter.

Naturally she gets an electricity bill for £1,800 and goes berserk.

I realise what the problem is and try to explain that 4 times 3 times 24 is a lot of electricity over a long period. And therefore a lot of money.

Her eyes glaze over whilst I am doing this rudimentary explanation. Watts, volts, amps, time, unit costs etc are a complete mystery to her.

Then I get a severe bollocking for leaving a light on and "running up a huge bill".

Two 42W bulbs left on for thirty minutes will do that. Apparently.

I was going to defend myself but what's the ******* point.

I suggested that when she was making a single cuppa it might be an idea to just put water in up to the 0.5L mark rather than fill it to the brim. "What difference does that make".
It does indeed.

But try explaining that your 2500-3000 watt kettle is one of your largest users of electricity and it takes a lot of energy to heat up water and what do you get.

Eyeballs glaze over, brain slips into neutral and is then flooded with images of fluffy kittens and chocolate.
Ah yes, kettles. When I moved onto my boat 16 years ago with my ex, my monster in law was very quick to find things wrong with our lifestyle. Chief amongst these was the lack of electric kettle, which she was keen to rectify by insisting we have one.

We had switched over to a kettle on the gas hob. My attempts to explain to her that boiling water was boiling water, fell on stony ground, and that plugging an electric kettle into an inverter running off 2 x 110 ah leisure batteries was a recipe for a very dark evening on the boat.

This logic passed to the next generation, as my ex was perfectly adept at getting charge out the batteries, but pretty crap at getting it back in.
 

ZW Clanger

Old-Salt
I’m away at the moment and received a call from my lovely lady in tears that someone two doors down had hung themselves from a garden tree...she immediately called the old bill, 6 turned up plus paramedics....
Turns out the neighbours were drying a wetsuit out.
C0499F04-4E89-49E3-B82C-CA365E7A1E73.jpeg
 

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