how bone is your missus.

ColdWarWorrier

Old-Salt
"But I told you!"
Yes dear, but where was I?
The answer is that I wasn't in the same room, she was muttering to her laptop, and I still don't know what she was on about.
I expect I have agreed to something.
I hope it won't be too painful.

Sorted that one out a while ago, in reply to one of her “I told you” explosions, I replied with: “You didn’t tell me when I was listening.”

My son picked up on that and it became his excuse of choice when berated for not doing something.

Now, anything relatively important gets a verbal confirmation that the instruction has indeed been received and understood or the excuse gets trotted out once again.
 
Showing them that they are wrong will also result in radio silence. On Wednesday I was expecting a package in the mail and went out to the mail box to see if it had arrived. It was there so I took it and went back to the house.

Herself comes outside and tells me to wash my hands now before opening the box and removing the contents. I ignored her and proceed to open the box, dispose of the box into the burn barrel and wipe down the contents of said box with bleach then alcohol.

She's yapping away about me not washing my hands before opening the box so I ask her what would be the point of washing my hands, then opening the box because after doing so I would have to wash my hands again because I touched the box again to break it down and put it in the burn barrel.

She stood there for a moment thinking about it and when the light finally came on in her brain she whines that if we get the virus it'll be all my fault for not listening to her.

It's been two days now and silence is still golden.
 
That's the inherent problem. Mine can never be wrong.
It's not just your missus mate, they're all like that. The commonsense wire to the brain was put in the wrong place when the drawings for women was still on the drawing board.
 

Kirkz

LE
Genuine question, what's his height got to do with it? :)
He's 6'5", I'm 5'8", He's terrified of me and thinks I'm going to batter him.
He still hasn't realised I'm eternally grateful to him for taking the shit I should have had off her for the last 10 years or so.
 
Normally mine lives at her place but by mutual agreement has ‘sleepovers’ when convenient to us both. The lockdown, (I’ve lost count now, but 19/20 days?) induced herself to set up camp in my flat. I have noticed the following:
Bluetooth is apparently now linked to Queen, Coldplay and some Latino crooner.
Toilet paper consumption has risen by a factor of 10.
My cleaning supplies have been deemed inadequate and fragile. (She cleaned the oven yesterday, see phot of oven cleaner spray this morning.)
The vacuum cleaner on/off switch and the cable rewind buttons, which have stood the test of time successfully with me, failed within two days of her moving in.
What used to be an organised and clean fridge is now a fucking disorganised mess with milk (Sold in plastic bags here.) on three different shelves, yogurt on two and my homemade sausages missing in action, but possibly the salad drawer.

I live on in the hope that the virus problems are over either very soon or so far in the future that her remains have decomposed sufficiently to be unidentifiable.

F496D6E8-AC46-4760-A4CA-9CA18708C72B.jpeg


ETA. What others have said about interrupting when headphones are on. This morning, whilst talking to my daughter’s teacher on zoom, she was doing the goldfish thing next to me. Afterwards she moaned that she wanted to ask the teacher how she was... I am enjoying a brief audio respite, but Coldplay are shouting yellow shit in the background; I’m not sure which is worse.
 
Showing them that they are wrong will also result in radio silence. On Wednesday I was expecting a package in the mail and went out to the mail box to see if it had arrived. It was there so I took it and went back to the house.

Herself comes outside and tells me to wash my hands now before opening the box and removing the contents. I ignored her and proceed to open the box, dispose of the box into the burn barrel and wipe down the contents of said box with bleach then alcohol.

She's yapping away about me not washing my hands before opening the box so I ask her what would be the point of washing my hands, then opening the box because after doing so I would have to wash my hands again because I touched the box again to break it down and put it in the burn barrel.

She stood there for a moment thinking about it and when the light finally came on in her brain she whines that if we get the virus it'll be all my fault for not listening to her.

It's been two days now and silence is still golden.
…. and you expect us to send you one every few days, right ?
 

Blogg

LE
During an interminable "She said to me so I said to her then she said to me...." content free replay of a telephone spat with her mother this afternoon I let out a huge yawn, one created by getting up at 05.00 after a much disturbed night thanks to puking dog.

Got instantly shitty: "Am I BORING you??"

Failed to see the humour in the classic response:

"Not in the slightest. I wasn't listening"
 

Kirkz

LE
During an interminable "She said to me so I said to her then she said to me...." content free replay of a telephone spat with her mother this afternoon I let out a huge yawn, one created by getting up at 05.00 after a much disturbed night thanks to puking dog.

Got instantly shitty: "Am I BORING you??"

Failed to see the humour in the classic response:

"Not in the slightest. I wasn't listening"
I like to use my favourite line from Family Guy.
Lois (or whatever the Mrs is called) we have the rest of our lives for me to completely not hear a word you just said.
 

NSP

LE
Toilet paper consumption has risen by a factor of 10.
We use it when we shit. They use it every time they use the pot.
 
He's 6'5", I'm 5'8", He's terrified of me and thinks I'm going to batter him.
He still hasn't realised I'm eternally grateful to him for taking the shit I should have had off her for the last 10 years or so.
I once got accused of shagging someone else's wife.

This from someone that we all (including his wife) knew was shagging one of his work customers.

I'm 5'10" and he was 6'3" (he's dead now and good riddance to bad rubbish).

He threatened me with "I'm a something or other belt at karate". At which point my walt detector went off.

My reply was "fair enough, I went to one of the toughest schools in Liverpool and I learned to fight dirty. Come on if you think you're hard enough"

He didn't.

And I later had the great joy of shagging the arrse of his wife for several years until I got moved for work.

She divorced him and he got sacked for shagging one of the customers and his life went into a spiral of shit. Natural justice sometimes works.
 
"But I told you!"
Yes dear, but where was I?
The answer is that I wasn't in the same room, she was muttering to her laptop, and I still don't know what she was on about.
I expect I have agreed to something.
I hope it won't be too painful
.
You are in for a shock




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…. and you expect us to send you one every few days, right ?
Not necessary mate. With decades of practice already under my belt, upsetting her to induce radio silence is effortless.
 
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You hate video conferencing and think it is a bizarre private sector perversion.

So you've booked all the people you want to talk to in a back to back three hour conference call marathon of "ARE YOU ON MUTE?!" The sort of thing you'd run a mile to avoid at work.

right. right.
 
Yesterday we take our daily exercise as a family and walk alongside a nearby river.
Lovely Spring day, lambs in fields, ducks on the river and a warm sun glittering off the water.
Major Sunray spots a stream of bubbles coming from the river bed and directs daughters attention to it with ,

'Look at that it's a fish'.
Me 'It seems to be coming from the mud so as the sun is on the river here it may just be gas escaping as things warm up?'
Her 'It could be a crab'.
'Crabs are marine creatures so your not going to find one in a river, but maybe it is something buried in the mud'.
'You get sweet water crabs, I know you do!'
'You get what??'
'Sweet water crabs.'
'You mean fresh water and not round here'.
'No its sweet water crabs!' Out comes the phone while she 'asks' google and I keep walking.

And now we enter the twilight zone of the female mind where you cant possibly be wrong and if you are its his fault somehow.

'See its fresh water!'
'Thats what I said!?'
'No you never and anyway I didnt hear you.'

At this point I really should just learn to shut up, it was a quiet walk for the rest of the way until I peeled off to source some milk from Tesco.
 
Yesterday we take our daily exercise as a family and walk alongside a nearby river.
Lovely Spring day, lambs in fields, ducks on the river and a warm sun glittering off the water.
Major Sunray spots a stream of bubbles coming from the river bed and directs daughters attention to it with ,

'Look at that it's a fish'.
Me 'It seems to be coming from the mud so as the sun is on the river here it may just be gas escaping as things warm up?'
Her 'It could be a crab'.
'Crabs are marine creatures so your not going to find one in a river, but maybe it is something buried in the mud'.
'You get sweet water crabs, I know you do!'
'You get what??'
'Sweet water crabs.'
'You mean fresh water and not round here'.
'No its sweet water crabs!' Out comes the phone while she 'asks' google and I keep walking.

And now we enter the twilight zone of the female mind where you cant possibly be wrong and if you are its his fault somehow.

'See its fresh water!'
'Thats what I said!?'
'No you never and anyway I didnt hear you.'

At this point I really should just learn to shut up, it was a quiet walk for the rest of the way until I peeled off to source some milk from Tesco.

Well it was a fish anyway so you shouldn't have started an argument.
 

ericferret

War Hero
We are a fortnight into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.
 
During an interminable "She said to me so I said to her then she said to me...." content free replay of a telephone spat with her mother this afternoon I let out a huge yawn, one created by getting up at 05.00 after a much disturbed night thanks to puking dog.

Got instantly shitty: "Am I BORING you??"

Failed to see the humour in the classic response:

"Not in the slightest. I wasn't listening"
It's when they go, "well, she turned round and said...."so, I turned round and said....." "then she turned round and said". I just have this image of two people spinning around like tops while having an argument.
 
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It's when they go, "well, she turned round and said...."so, I turned round and said....." "then she turned round and said". I just have this image of two people spinning around like tops while having an arguement.
The one that gets me here in the US is when herself is doing similar, it goes " And she's like... and I'm like...and she's like".

I once asked if she was conversing on facebook and when she replied no I then asked what was with all the likes.

Another one that grips my $h!t is when she starts one of her Jackanory's with "So"
 
The one that gets me here in the US is when herself is doing similar, it goes " And she's like... and I'm like...and she's like".

I once asked if she was conversing on facebook and when she replied no I then asked what was with all the likes.

Another one that grips my $h!t is when she starts one of her Jackanory's with "So"
It's crossed the pond to here. If someone starts a Facebook yarn with "so....." It indicates that it's about to be be long-winded gossipy bollocks.
 

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