how bone is your missus.

You are shut up and keep filing those 7.62 tips
I don't need to be filing anything old son, I have plenty hollow points and other assorted rounds of ammunition.
 
It is day one in the lockdown house and already Ancient is bored.

Mrs Ancient, with some justification treats me like a seven year old: if she can't hear me making a noise, she assumes I'm up to something and comes looking to see what I'm doing. This time she has found me head down in the downstairs shower room, beavering away.

Mrs A. What on earth are you doing?"

I: Well you know how the mildew can build up under the shower door? (we're not gopping, its a 300 year old house and the shower backs onto a cold wall. I just try to stay on top of it). Well I'm cleaning it out.

She: Well good for you if it keeps you hap....Hang on. What on earth is that your cleaning it with?

I: It's my (holding up the offending article) toothbrush .

She: That's the most disgusting thing you've ever done. Ever. I could divorce you for that. Easy bloody peasy. That is surely unreasonable behaviour. No-one has ever done that before.

She has that look on her face that says that she is dealing with someone who is quite clearly mentally deficient. I've seen it many times.

I: I have. Let me tell you a story......

To be fair she doesn't understand why I think it's entirely reasonable.

And neither, come to think of it, do I.
 
I took wife #1 on a visit to a zoo. At this particular zoo, it was possible to buy food and feed certain animals. We were at the elephant enclosure. I bought some apples with which to feel the resident pachyderms.

You cant give it an apple, she said.

Why not?

It will get stuck in its trunk

Wot?

Well, they have to snuffle food up their trunks and an apple is too big, it will get stuck. Why are you laughing?
 

2000AD

Old-Salt
I took wife #1 on a visit to a zoo. At this particular zoo, it was possible to buy food and feed certain animals. We were at the elephant enclosure. I bought some apples with which to feel the resident pachyderms.

You cant give it an apple, she said.

Why not?

It will get stuck in its trunk

Wot?

Well, they have to snuffle food up their trunks and an apple is too big, it will get stuck. Why are you laughing?
What does an elephant keep in his trunk?

3 yards of snot.
 
MiL is in isolation due the plague / age interface.

Wife is contacting her daily through Face Time or some such.

They've discovered some feature or other that allows them to superimpose rabbit ears etc as they talk banal shite.

I‘m off out to lick any available potentially contaminated surface in a bid to take the edge off the pain of being housebound and surrounding by giggling fuckwits.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
What does an elephant keep in his trunk?

3 yards of snot.
Why do elephant have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches just wouldn't reach
 

Dennis48

War Hero
Wife wanted to go shopping to Tescos. "Shall I get in the back of the car?" " Why?" I asked "Because we have to be two metres apart" she said. I just break into laughter "What ?" she asks I ask "Where have we been for the last 8 or 9 hours?" It suddenly dawns on her "Bed" I say. The reply I get "Just get in the car you fecking smartarse". Must admit it was the quietest shopping trip I been on in years.
 
On my Part 2 orders this morning was the urgent need to clean one of the walk in closets this morning,

After *boxing my blankets I report for duty.

My orders are to dive in and "sort out all of my jackets and shirts." A few minutes later I'm done, "OK that's my 5 jackets, 7 pants, and 16 shirts sorted." My tiny corner is spotless, I make no mention of her {possibly} 687 coats, 148 shirts & skirts, 131 tops & flip flops, or the 9 billion pairs of shoes crushed into the remaining 7/8's of the closet.

This is not the reason for posting it wasn't a bad idea tbh it should have been done ages ago.

No, why I'm posting is because Mrs Thonginhercrack has also decided to clean the house at the same time, not a tidy up, but a full on spring cleaning.

Never content with cleaning one room at a time she whizzes around completing little bits & pieces in every room then going back to do a little bit more and round and round she goes.

The blankets are off all of the beds, stuff from the bathrooms is out in the hallways, cushions are off the couch, food from cupboards and the fridge are spread around the kitchen - The house is now a frigging disaster!!!

...
and I can't f-off and go for a beer - I'm trapped.


*maybe or maybe not a code word for something else.
 
On my Part 2 orders this morning was the urgent need to clean one of the walk in closets this morning,

After *boxing my blankets I report for duty.

My orders are to dive in and "sort out all of my jackets and shirts." A few minutes later I'm done, "OK that's my 5 jackets, 7 pants, and 16 shirts sorted." My tiny corner is spotless, I make no mention of her {possibly} 687 coats, 148 shirts & skirts, 131 tops & flip flops, or the 9 billion pairs of shoes crushed into the remaining 7/8's of the closet.

This is not the reason for posting it wasn't a bad idea tbh it should have been done ages ago.

No, why I'm posting is because Mrs Thonginhercrack has also decided to clean the house at the same time, not a tidy up, but a full on spring cleaning.

Never content with cleaning one room at a time she whizzes around completing little bits & pieces in every room then going back to do a little bit more and round and round she goes.

The blankets are off all of the beds, stuff from the bathrooms is out in the hallways, cushions are off the couch, food from cupboards and the fridge are spread around the kitchen - The house is now a frigging disaster!!!

...
and I can't f-off and go for a beer - I'm trapped.


*maybe or maybe not a code word for something else.
Our house has five walk in closets, Like you I have a small fraction of one of them, the rest are filled with her stuff. Yet she still moans she has nothing to wear.
 
On my Part 2 orders this morning was the urgent need to clean one of the walk in closets this morning,

After *boxing my blankets I report for duty.

My orders are to dive in and "sort out all of my jackets and shirts." A few minutes later I'm done, "OK that's my 5 jackets, 7 pants, and 16 shirts sorted." My tiny corner is spotless, I make no mention of her {possibly} 687 coats, 148 shirts & skirts, 131 tops & flip flops, or the 9 billion pairs of shoes crushed into the remaining 7/8's of the closet.

This is not the reason for posting it wasn't a bad idea tbh it should have been done ages ago.

No, why I'm posting is because Mrs Thonginhercrack has also decided to clean the house at the same time, not a tidy up, but a full on spring cleaning.

Never content with cleaning one room at a time she whizzes around completing little bits & pieces in every room then going back to do a little bit more and round and round she goes.

The blankets are off all of the beds, stuff from the bathrooms is out in the hallways, cushions are off the couch, food from cupboards and the fridge are spread around the kitchen - The house is now a frigging disaster!!!

...
and I can't f-off and go for a beer - I'm trapped.


*maybe or maybe not a code word for something else.
Are you me? Am I you? Are we married (not you and me!)(Technically I’m not actually married, but you understand what I mean.) to the same woman?
Mine wants us to re-paint the bedrooms. The shops that sell paint are closed. Somehow it’s my fault and I’m being unhelpful when I say no...
 
Mine wants us to re-paint the bedrooms.
Okay let me stop your right there. My bold and I'm wondering what the hell is with the "us" $h!te. FFS man, get her told, she wants it painted then crack on doll. Let her know you've got other and better things to do, that and the radio silence afterwards is definitely worth it.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Our house has five walk in closets, Like you I have a small fraction of one of them, the rest are filled with her stuff. Yet she still moans she has nothing to wear.
We discussed and allegedly instigated a one in, one out rule with regard to clothing.
Apparently it only applies to Tiny Miss F and myself as that's the only stuff ever in the recycling bag.
 
Cheers mate, I'll let her know though I don't think she'll be best happy. I've tried telling her there is plenty straw in the hayloft and that barn is heated as well. There is also water and a hose in there but she is still making threats at me through the window
Surely you have enough ammo to waste a round or two at her feet shooing her away?
 
It is day one in the lockdown house and already Ancient is bored.

Mrs Ancient, with some justification treats me like a seven year old: if she can't hear me making a noise, she assumes I'm up to something and comes looking to see what I'm doing. This time she has found me head down in the downstairs shower room, beavering away.

Mrs A. What on earth are you doing?"

I: Well you know how the mildew can build up under the shower door? (we're not gopping, its a 300 year old house and the shower backs onto a cold wall. I just try to stay on top of it). Well I'm cleaning it out.

She: Well good for you if it keeps you hap....Hang on. What on earth is that your cleaning it with?

I: It's my (holding up the offending article) toothbrush .

She: That's the most disgusting thing you've ever done. Ever. I could divorce you for that. Easy bloody peasy. That is surely unreasonable behaviour. No-one has ever done that before.

She has that look on her face that says that she is dealing with someone who is quite clearly mentally deficient. I've seen it many times.

I: I have. Let me tell you a story......

To be fair she doesn't understand why I think it's entirely reasonable.

And neither, come to think of it, do I.
Your toothbrush? Doesn't she have any teeth?
 
I can see that weeks and weeks of us both WFH is likely to end up with her under the f*cking patio.
She's trying to pull together some stats for work and it involves calculating a % increase.
Having found an online calculator tool for exactly this, I tell her that it's a 427% increase (from 41 to 216).
"That's not right, how can you have more than 100% of anything. I make it 88%"
"Babes, a 100% increase is doubling it - from 41 to 88. Going from 41 to 216 is a lot more than doubling it. See?"
<Pause>
"No".
 
I can see that weeks and weeks of us both WFH is likely to end up with her under the f*cking patio.
She's trying to pull together some stats for work and it involves calculating a % increase.
Having found an online calculator tool for exactly this, I tell her that it's a 427% increase (from 41 to 216).
"That's not right, how can you have more than 100% of anything. I make it 88%"
"Babes, a 100% increase is doubling it - from 41 to 88. Going from 41 to 216 is a lot more than doubling it. See?"
<Pause>
"No".
Possibly because double 41 is 82, not 88.
 
Okay let me stop your right there. My bold and I'm wondering what the hell is with the "us" $h!te. FFS man, get her told, she wants it painted then crack on doll. Let her know you've got other and better things to do, that and the radio silence afterwards is definitely worth it.
You're doing it wrong.
When I first married her I Monumentally fucked up any DIY or decorating stuff.
She wants stuff painted she does it herself.
Power tools used under supervision only.

Result.
 

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