how bone is your missus.

Just in case you have been considering it, DO NOT (as a joke) for Christmas, buy a ring box and put a Black Jack in it.

Apparently, that is not fecking funny!

I think it was the going down on one knee that did it?



View attachment 448265
If it was one of these blackjacks, it would have been more interesting for you. Or kinky depending on what she's into.


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Gubmint_Agent

War Hero
We're driving into work this morning and I had to brake suddenly thanks to the Uber-tw*t in the PHV Prius in front of me who clearly doesn't have a driving licence a satnav.
"You left that late. I should have travel insurance when you're driving"
"Errm.."
"As I'm in danger "
"Ah... perhaps you mean life insurance babe"
"Oh - yes, that".
 
If I was Graham, I would have a Knife in that bitch.
Ah! . . . But THAT “Graham” is lost to us . . . :( .

She has drained him of all life-forces, self-respect and bloke’ish endeavour.

He is but a pawn, waiting to be summoned to answer her every - irritating - call.

He does not even have the initiative to join ARRSE, and find relief and succour, by sharing his tribulations with other such desperate souls.

Let “Graham” be a warning to us all . . . . :( !!
 
SWMBO often takes the bus to Dundee for shopping and restaurants and hospital visits. Living in Scotland and being over 65, all bus travel is free, but after years of driving/being driven everywhere means that SWMBO is a wee bit delicate when it comes to sitting next to one of the great unwashed.

Yesterday she complained that the "fat old cow" sitting next to her stank like a month old fish curry.

SWMBO is Chinese, hence the metaphor.

I, as males often do, went into problem-solving mode.

"KD: "Well my Love" "Next time you go on the bus and anyone starts to sit beside or near you, just start coughing loudly and with gusto"

SWMBO: "And why would that work?"

KD: "You're Chinese my petal" "What do you think they would think when an ancient elderly older Chinese lady starts to cough their lungs up?"



SWMBO: *long silence, full of thought* "For a Kwi Lo you're not entirely dumb" "I'll try it on Wednesday"








Please be on the lookout for a news item tomorrow regarding the violent# arrest and detention of a COVID-19 infected person off of public transport in Scotland, and the quarantine of the entire bus by the NHS/Army

#violent, because my SWMBO reacts extremely badly if told by anyone to do anything, and she swings a mean handbag and a nasty left hook.

I can actually hear her practising her coughing downstairs as I type this.
 
My little ray of auty sunshine has had a brainfart tonight.

She sits down, turns the telly on, presses a few buttons on the remote, then turns it off again. "I thought our new sky system let us record 2 and watch a 3rd, but it isn't working"

"Perhaps, my darling, that is because the new sky system is going to be installed in 12 days time"

Rainman 1 says “ dad, put that on how bone"

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk
 

Blogg

LE
Working at home today, just had second coffee and staring at the screen wondering which clusterfcuk to consider first (and the many horrorshow calls scheduled for today.)

That dilemma is solved by Mrs B messaging me in a flap. The cause?

Her mother plus mumbling idiot of husband are "stranded" at Gatwick having returned from their latest jaunt. She was expecting to sort them out tomorrow morning but yes, they had got the return date wrong. And Mrs B is on a train to Manchester when she gets a shitty "Where are you?" call.

I point out that last time I checked Gatwick also had a train link. Go to London, thence train out to the boonies where they live. Job done.

Ping

"They wont be happy with that! Can't you just pick them up, take them home and work from home later?"

"Professor Google tells me that is a round trip of 268 miles, 5 1/2 hours without traffic, pratting around at Gatwick or stops. How does NO sound?

Somehow that makes me a very bad person
 
Not sure who is the the bone one here.
Wife has arranged for a group of our friends to meet us at a very good Indian restaurant. Apparently we have to book a table today, we are not meeting until next month. Furthermore we have to go in person rather than ring them, which I have done in the past .
In she goes while I drive round the block as there is nowhere to park.
A short while later and there she is at the kerbside. I stop and she gets in, rather anxious, she thinks she has forgotten our landline number that she tried to give to the waiter. I find a parking space about half a mile away and set off, now I had offered to ring them but this wasn't satisfactory.
In a few moments I ascertain that the waiter isn't used to landlines and that my wife was trying to give him the number without the code.
I just don't know!
 
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Not sure who is the the bone one here.
Wife has arranged for a group of our friends to meet us at a very good Indian restaurant. Apparently we have to book a table today, we are not meeting until next month. Furthermore we have to go in person rather than ring them, which I have done in the past .
In she goes while I drive round the block as there is nowhere to park.
A short while later and there she is at the kerbside. I stop and she gets in, rather anxious, she thinks she has forgotten our landline number that she tried to give to the waiter. I find a parking space about half a mile away and set off, now I had offered to ring them but this wasn't satisfactory.
In a few moments I ascertain that the waiter isn't used to landlines and that my wife was trying to give him the number without the code.
I just don't know!
Sorry mate but the bone in this dit belongs to you. If you want something done right without having to fix fukups afterwards, then never send your missus in to do anything.
 
Ahhhhh...

Her.. Did you remember the cutty thing at the bottom of the Stairs?

Me. Cutty thing?
Her. Yes the cutty thing.
Me. Knife scissors, sword, bayonet, pen knife.

Her. No. The other thing that your mate is borrowing.

Me. Oh the Chainsaw you mean.

Her. Get your own beer you twat, I know you are going to put that on Arrse.
 
Ahhhhh...

Her.. Did you remember the cutty thing at the bottom of the Stairs?

Me. Cutty thing?
Her. Yes the cutty thing.
Me. Knife scissors, sword, bayonet, pen knife.

Her. No. The other thing that your mate is borrowing.

Me. Oh the Chainsaw you mean.

Her. Get your own beer you twat, I know you are going to put that on Arrse.
Might one hazard a guess that you won't be telling her she was right again?
 
Our lass is in hospital again, although hopefully she'll be out next week, but even in adversity there are still funny moments.

Yesterday I got a call from her and a missed call from her mate a few minutes earlier. Our lass said that she's had a strange call from Joanne. Joanne's voicemail message sounded agitated but said that our lass was okay. So I phoned Joanne and she starts talking about my voicemail message.

Now I haven't left a voicemail for Joanne for about two weeks. If there is nothing new to report then I don't bother since I've basically spent the last month as a telephone exchange. However a couple of weeks ago our lass was having a bad time and I left Joanne a message to that effect. Joanne has been phoning or visiting our lass about twice a week since she was ill and knows that she is getting a lot better. However she hadn't deleted that old message, somehow listened to it again yesterday, didn't check the date and went into a blind panic. Joanne is 58 and says "I don't do technology". She works in a call centre, how the hell can she not know how to delete old voicemails?

Second one, which shows that our lass's sense of humour is returning.
Me: "How long is it since your last episode, about a week?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "And how's the paranoia?"
Her, quick as a flash and quite aggressively: "Why are you asking?"
 

exiledblue

War Hero
Ahhhhh...

Her.. Did you remember the cutty thing at the bottom of the Stairs?

Me. Cutty thing?
Her. Yes the cutty thing.
Me. Knife scissors, sword, bayonet, pen knife.

Her. No. The other thing that your mate is borrowing.

Me. Oh the Chainsaw you mean.

Her. Get your own beer you twat, I know you are going to put that on Arrse.
Why do you have a chainsaw at the bottom of the stairs? Hoping she will fall down them and then impale herself?


elf and safety mate
 
Herself has a friend visiting and for some reason their conversation turns to arthritic fingers (as we all know, this is the way that female conversations go)... “You can tell if you have it” I say, helpfully, “Put one finger in your ear and wiggle the others slowly, you’ll be able to hear the crepitus”
Now imagine 2 adult females (with 1st class Honours Degrees) with a finger in their ears waggling the rest at each other with puzzled expressions... I was almost choking and I’m sure the dog was sniggering too, sadly I wasn’t ready with the camera...
 
Always buy spare cell batteries.

Within a week, both my car remotes and one of my ex's ones had died. Replaced the batteries (which were all the same type) but not before discovering a strange problem where one of my keys will not unlock the car door, but will start the car just fine.

Got a few spares on hand now.
You may need to resynch the fob with the car remote receiver. I had this recently on a Ford. You should be able to find how to do this on Google.

Good luck
 
You may need to resynch the fob with the car remote receiver. I had this recently on a Ford. You should be able to find how to do this on Google.

Good luck
Meant to say I couldn't physically open the car door with the key (insert into keyhole and turning). Putting it into the ignition started the car fine.
 

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