how bone is your missus.

The ex wife arranged for the farmer next door to plough a part of the property to make a big vegetable garden. We plant it and I inform the wife that I needed to buy a 12v pump to fit to the lawn tractor to water it from a drum in the trailer.
Cue a response of "we've got 3 50 foot garden hoses just connect those together " I tried explaining about bernoulli etc and got a blank stare. After much nagging I connected them together and lo and behold only a very slight trickle comes out and what's worse it was still about 25 feet short.

Sent from my SM-T510 using Tapatalk
They will insist won't they.
A family friend bought two space hopper things for my kids. One of them didn't have a valve on the top just a hole where it should go.

We are over her brothers house pumping them up and he says "No point in doing this one, there's no valve. The air won't stay in."

"Can you try, it might work."

"I can pump it up, but it will just deflate again, there's nothing to hold the air in."

"But can you try?"

"Theres no point, it won't. . ."

"WILL YOU JUST DO IT! CHRIST YOU'RE DIFFICULT!"

He sighed and looked at me with a resigned shrug and did her bidding to return a few minutes later with a rapidly deflating space hopper. He didn't have the energy or spirit left to say "What did I tell you."
Some battles aren't worth fighting.
 

Mike Barton

War Hero
Bloody Hell! I thought it was only mine. We have a 7kg load machine and given her choice no more than 7 items would be put in it as any more would result in 'severe creasing'. I took over the washing as well as all other physical tasks when she had her heart op in 2018 and the machine got fully loaded. No problems whatever for 18 months.
Now she's much better but would still have a problem loading it up, so I'm still loading and she's unloading and hanging it as 'You don't do it right'.
Apparently, the clothes have to be laid in the drum 'just so' so that they don't come out screwed up. Also putting her bras (already in a washing bag) in the middle of the load stops the wires from sticking out - how that's supposed to help when the machine is constantly reversing I haven't a clue.
They have some odd ideas
We should form a club. We bought a bloody expensive big heavy-duty LG washing machine for the specific reason that we can do full load washes for the whole house, duvets, heck even trainer shoes if needs be. LG are very proud of the capacity of their magnificent machine, the bigger the load the better, they insist.

And yet.

There she is, still hand washing the kids trainers, still sending the duvets and blankets out to the laundrette for cleaning. She doesn't want to break the expensive machine after all.

And will someone please explain to me what effin' purpose is served by individually sprinkling little quantities of soap powder over each item before it goes into the machine? I mean I am pretty sure those terribly clever Koreans would have let us know in their 150-page instruction manual somewhere if that process was really necessary.
 

Bootom

Old-Salt
We should form a club. We bought a bloody expensive big heavy-duty LG washing machine for the specific reason that we can do full load washes for the whole house, duvets, heck even trainer shoes if needs be. LG are very proud of the capacity of their magnificent machine, the bigger the load the better, they insist.

And yet.

There she is, still hand washing the kids trainers, still sending the duvets and blankets out to the laundrette for cleaning. She doesn't want to break the expensive machine after all.

And will someone please explain to me what effin' purpose is served by individually sprinkling little quantities of soap powder over each item before it goes into the machine? I mean I am pretty sure those terribly clever Koreans would have let us know in their 150-page instruction manual somewhere if that process was really necessary.
Like my sister insisting that all the items going into the dishwasher must be clean. She washes all items first in the sink and then loads the dishwasher up. She can't see what she is doing wrong.
 

Kirkz

LE
And will someone please explain to me what effin' purpose is served by individually sprinkling little quantities of soap powder over each item before it goes into the machine? I mean I am pretty sure those terribly clever Koreans would have let us know in their 150-page instruction manual somewhere if that process was really necessary.
I would rub it on any stains that were on an item to help remove it but other than that I can't see any reason to do it.
 
I would rub it on any stains that were on an item to help remove it but other than that I can't see any reason to do it.
Does that work on army mattresses?
 
Duplicate post.

A couple of days ago I asked for guidance regarding using a slow cooker to sous-vide a beef joint.

Thank you all for your replies - seemingly something happened to the answering posts - phat phingers?

Anyway, just after I'd posted the original thread (and scoured the interweb) good old SWMBO says 'Ooooh we've got a crock-pot cook book - I'll have a shufti'

Turns out on page 55 is a blow by blow account of how to do a pot roast using a slow cooker. Gentlepeople (look at me going all PC!) I'm VERY happy to report that it worked a treat. The meat was slightly overdone for me, but she likes it slightly less than black. It was delicious and very tender, so I'll call that a success. As a bonus the doggies got all the veg out the bottom - she didn't want to use them as I hadn't peeled them......
 
They will insist won't they.
A family friend bought two space hopper things for my kids. One of them didn't have a valve on the top just a hole where it should go.

We are over her brothers house pumping them up and he says "No point in doing this one, there's no valve. The air won't stay in."

"Can you try, it might work."

"I can pump it up, but it will just deflate again, there's nothing to hold the air in."

"But can you try?"

"Theres no point, it won't. . ."

"WILL YOU JUST DO IT! CHRIST YOU'RE DIFFICULT!"

He sighed and looked at me with a resigned shrug and did her bidding to return a few minutes later with a rapidly deflating space hopper. He didn't have the energy or spirit left to say "What did I tell you."
Some battles aren't worth fighting.
My reply to that would have been for her to pump it up as I have better things to waste my time on.
 

miner69er

Old-Salt
From jake Thackray sadly missed
On again On Again

I love a good bum on a woman, it makes my day.
To me it is palpable proof of God's existence, a posteriori.
Also I love breasts and arms and ankles, elbows, knees;
It's the tongue, the tongue, the tongue on a woman that spoils the job for me.
Please understand I respect and admire the frailer sex
And I honour them every bit as much as the next misogynist.
But give some women the ghost of a chance to talk and thereupon
They go on again, on again, on again, on again, on again, on again, on.

I fell in love with a woman with wonderful thighs and hips
And a sensational belly. I just never noticed her lips were always moving.
Only when we got to the altar and she had to say "I do"
And she folded her arms and gathered herself and took in a breath and I knew
She could have gone on again, on again, on again till the entire
Congregation passed out and the vicar passed on and the choirboys passed through puberty.
At the reception I gloomily noted her family's jubilant mood,
Their maniacal laughter and their ghastly gratitude.

She talks to me when I go for a shave or a sleep or a swim.
She talks to me on a Sunday when I go singing hymns and drinking heavily.
When I go mending my chimney pot she's down there in the street,
And at ninety-five on my motorbike she's on the pillion seat
Wittering on again, on again, on and again and again.
When I'm eating or drinking or reading or thinking or when I'm saying my rosary.
She will never stop talking to me; she is one of those women who
Will never use three or four words when a couple of thousand will easily do!

She also talks without stopping to me in our bed of a night;
Throughout the sweetest of our intimate delights she never gives over.
Not even stopping while we go hammer and tongs towards the peak -
Except maybe for a sigh and a groan and one perfunctory shriek.
Then she goes on again, on again, on again on and I must
Assume that she has never noticed that she's just been interrupted.
Totally unruffled she is, and as far as I can see
I might just as well have been posting a letter or stirring up the tea!

She will not take a hint, not once she's made a start.
I can yawn or belch or bleed or faint or fart - she'll not drop a syllable.
I could stand in front of her grimly sharpening up an axe,
I could sprinkle her with paraffin, and ask her for a match -
She'd just go on again, on again, on again even more.
The hind leg of a donkey is peanuts for her, she can bore the balls off a buffalo.
"Mother of God," I cried one day, "Oh, let your kingdom come
"And in the meantime, Mother, could you strike this bugger dumb?"

Well, believe it or not, she appeared to me then and there:
The Blessed Virgin herself, in answer to my prayer, despite the vulgarity,
Shimmering softly, dressed in blue and holding up a hand.
I cocked a pious ear as the Mother of God began.
Well she went on again, on again, on again, on, and I
Will have to state how very much I sympathise with the rest of the family.
Give some women the ghost of a chance to talk and thereupon
They go on again, on again, on again, on again,
And again, and again, and again, and again
They will go on again, on again, on again, on again, on again, on again, on.
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Watching the news about the aircraft that skidded of the runway and broke into three sections
my wife said


Why dont they make them out of thicker metal so they dont break, it would be much safer !!!
 

NSP

LE
Watching the news about the aircraft that skidded of the runway and broke into three sections
my wife said


Why dont they make them out of thicker metal so they dont break, it would be much safer !!!
That's like when they say "In the event of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device" and herself says, "If they can make the seat cushion into a flotation device, why can't they make the whole 'plane into one?"
 

Blogg

LE
That's like when they say "In the event of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device" and herself says, "If they can make the seat cushion into a flotation device, why can't they make the whole 'plane into one?"
Old joke that Mrs B did not find me rehashing at all funny:

"Does this type of plane crash often?"

"Not at all. Usually just the once."
 

NSP

LE
Old joke that Mrs B did not find me rehashing at all funny:

"Does this type of plane crash often?"

"Not at all. Usually just the once."
As a teenie, my mum took me on holiday with her best mate and her son, my then best mate, to their villa in Spain. My mate was not a flyer. I was (I was a spacey at the time). I also had an interest in engineering (and thus would go on to gain a degree in same). We hit a bit of bumpy air on the way out when we were on a B757. The wingtips wobble violently. He panics and asks if it's normal. I say, "Yeah - it's when they don't bounce that you need to worry," before explaining about work hardening. He calms down.

On the way back we were on one of these new-fangled Airbus things with carbon-fibre wings. No noticeable "flap" under mild loading, according to the brochure. We're bouncing about and the wingtips are not hurtling up and down like on the B757 and he panics. "What?" says I. "No flapping!" "Oh, shit - we're all going to die!" Yep - you can smell fear.

It smells of cabbage and high-order farts.

One day I might tell him about the carbon-fibre.
 
I once (as a joke) bought SWMBO a frying pan as a Christmas present.

Twenty years later its mention is still verboten.
Just in case you have been considering it, DO NOT (as a joke) for Christmas, buy a ring box and put a Black Jack in it.

Apparently, that is not fecking funny!

I think it was the going down on one knee that did it?



1581028928685.png
 
The ex wife arranged for the farmer next door to plough a part of the property to make a big vegetable garden. We plant it and I inform the wife that I needed to buy a 12v pump to fit to the lawn tractor to water it from a drum in the trailer.
Cue a response of "we've got 3 50 foot garden hoses just connect those together " I tried explaining about bernoulli etc and got a blank stare. After much nagging I connected them together and lo and behold only a very slight trickle comes out and what's worse it was still about 25 feet short.

Sent from my SM-T510 using Tapatalk
Ex Doris has called up. The house I used to call home is about to flood because of the torrential rain we've been having.

It sits on a slope from the street down to the back yard. The front garden normally stops the water from pooling too close to the house when it rains and I used to have a drain in place to run the water off around the house. Since I've been gone, the brain donor went and filled the drain in, flattened the garden with mulch, potplants and some plastic edging, forming a dam that actually keeps water out of the garden and pools it around the house. Fair enough, we've been in a drought lately, but I've known this always happened when it rained heavily.

I told her that I couldn't be arsed helping her (feck it, I don't pay for it or have anything to do with it anymore), at which point she got in a huff and hung up. About an hour later, she called up smugly saying she has the problem solved. She went up the hardware store and brought a pump to get the water out of the flooded area and around the sides of the house.

Only problem is it is one of those pumps that is operated by an electric drill.

She got pissed off when I laughed loudly at her, as I had a vision of her sitting in the garden on the edge of a pool of water like a demented garden gnome with an electric drill operating the pump for the next 7+ days of rain that have been forecasted.

In retrospect, I should have said it was a great idea and told her to go for it. A random electrocution or two could do her the world of good.
 
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