how bone is your missus.

My missus isn't particularly bone, but only she could do this...

I got a phone call "I've fallen over at Sainsburys, I'll need help getting out of the car when I get home".

We get her in, ankle lifted, cup of tea, then head to the shopping. 2 jars of Bovril have smashed in the bag, 36 toilet rolls are flat, pizza boxes squashed and covered in Bovril.

Then we get to the box of broken biscuits, they'll be nice with the tea.

None of them were broken!

It says broken biscuits on the box, should we complain?

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk
 
Posted in dedication to - in celebration of - all the long-suffering, and tremendously tolerant, “Grahams” who read and contribute to this thread . . . ;) !!

 

Kirkz

LE
Posted in dedication to - in celebration of - all the long-suffering, and tremendously tolerant, “Grahams” who read and contribute to this thread . . . ;) !!

I'd give that an excellent but unfortunately I'm a Graeme.
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
We're pregnant! Where the fcuk did that saying come from?

Let me explain why I ask. This morning SWMBO's phone rings and I hear her briefly yapping followed by shrieks of delight. Gets called up from the man cave to hear the news, SWMBO has put the phone on speaker.

The wife of kid number three announces "we're pregnant" and so follows the following conversation. BTW she's hardcore snowflake and I can't help winding her up

Kids wife... Hi, you're going to be a grandpa again, we're pregnant.

Me...Who's we?

Kids wife... T and I, who did you think I meant?

Me... Naw love, you're pregnant, T shagged you to make you that way and despite what you were taught in school he is definitely not pregnant but congratulations to you both anyhow.

I can hear the kid laughing in the background, SWMBO switches off speaker and tells me to pi$$ off back downstairs.

Where TF did this "we're pregnant $h!te come from? I've never heard such a ridiculous thing to say.

"We're pregnant"! Oh do fcuk off.
As quoted by a very pretty sensual friend of my wife
we are trying for a baby ???
I was about to make a reply when three of my ribs shattered
my wife knew exactly what I was going to say
 
Replaced the batteries (which were all the same type) but not before discovering a strange problem where one of my keys will not unlock the car door, but will start the car just fine.
//Slight thread drift//

I have a SUUNTO D4 dive watch/computer. When renewing the battery (say 2032 or whatever) it will only work with one particular make, say 'Ever-Ready' (It's not!)

There are even dits on the interweb about it so it must be true.

// Crack on //
 
Anyway - re coyotes.

I've never had problems with them in Sheffield, the States or indeed any port I've ever visited!

Oh wait........... that's cougars.
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Reading the paper out aloud I commented on the Choreographer of the Royal Ballet Liam Scarlett being suspended
what for she asks
oh he was asking some of the young dancers for nude photos, and was feeling them up
Oh she said these young women, why dont they learn to fight back, and stop it in its tracks, and refuse to send pictures
( she started out work in the hotel industry and it happened a lot)

me laughing so much snot came out of my nose

what is it with you, its not funny,

well love, most of the fellas in ballet are Pooftahs

dont bloody stereotype, thats typical of you Londoners
Just because he works in Ballet does not mean he is gay

oh dear
oh dear
oh dear

then I read out the line about the Male dancers being propositioned
non of the girls have complained



silence for 20 minutes
 

Gubmint_Agent

War Hero
She's off with a friend to see 'Tina - The Tina Turner Musical' at some dingy, mouse-ridden London theatre.
She asks me, how old do I think Tina Turner is?
"I don't know babe. Late 60's?"
"No, can you believe that she's 80?!"
"No babe, I didn't realise she was that old".
<Pause>
"It will actually be her in the show and not someone playing her, won't it?"
"How many 80yr olds do you think have done two performances a day, six days a week, since early 2018 babe?"
 
Not the wife but another stable genius of that specie.

An on-going issue referencing an Excel spreadsheet I sold to the company a while ago.

E-Mail.
'Hi Steve as per my earlier e-mail your formulas are not working anymore' Maria.

'Hi Maria, what was the earlier e-mail, I haven't seen anything come in????'

"That the formulas were not working!'

Errr, OK, 1st I've heard of it but hey ho could be more mulah fixing it.

'What seems to be the problem?" Ditz.

'Well, they are not working in Windows anymore or in Excel'

'Are the formulas not working at all or is it a something else?' Dummy

'The formulas are not working in Windows or Excel' Jesus ffs!

'
Have you upgraded MS Office lately?'

'I don't know I can't open the file' Dumbo.

Aaaaah bollox, there goes the extra coin.


Can you tell me what version of Office you have on the laptop now?' 16 or 19 it don't matter to me.

'
I don't know but the formulas don't work anymore. We all got new laptops yesterday' {There are 6 staff using the program}.

'OK, No problem Maria, but it's more of an IT problem with regards to Office 19{?} not recognizing an Office 10 Excel file rather than the formulas not working. You need to call your IT guys.'

'Can you not come and fix it?' {Maria is a ditz but also a super milf, I'd be there in a splaff, jiff}

'I'd love to but I need permission from Tommy I can't just come in do an IT job and invoice it!'

'Oh, OK, I'll ask my supervisor, thanks.' Boom, aaand there goes the coin.

That was yesterday.
15 minutes ago.

Mobile rings.

'Hey what's going on with the schedule?'

I explain it's an IT problem. He needs to get the IT on it not me.

'These woman are driving me nuts, asking IT will take months can you not come down and do it next week.'

I just ironed me kex and shirt.

Females Causing Chaos Creates Coin.
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
She's off with a friend to see 'Tina - The Tina Turner Musical' at some dingy, mouse-ridden London theatre.
She asks me, how old do I think Tina Turner is?
"I don't know babe. Late 60's?"
"No, can you believe that she's 80?!"
"No babe, I didn't realise she was that old".
<Pause>
"It will actually be her in the show and not someone playing her, won't it?"
"How many 80yr olds do you think have done two performances a day, six days a week, since early 2018 babe?"
she ages 60 years in the musical !!
 
I have never considered Brit as being anti British. Indeed my passport used to list me as Brit/Scot.
In these days of austerity, you'd think they'd save the ink of printing a letter and just put "Heathen".
 

Kirkz

LE
In these days of austerity, you'd think they'd save the ink of printing a letter and just put "Heathen".
Easier to just put Jock.
 

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