how bone is your missus.

Told my dear old Mother I was taking my bike vacuum flask to Rugby at the weekend & that last time I’d used it was with a cold drink when cycling in the summer. “Will it keep hot things warm too?” came the reply. Did brief digression into the David Beckham, flask, choc ice & coffee gag.

Mind you I was pretty bone when using flask for first time on bike. Was convinced something loose on machine until I realised it was the ice cubes clinking in the flask...
 
Buy a new you you cheap twat
Whaddya think I am, some bloody millennial who couldn't change a lightbulb without getting into trouble?

Most modern whitegoods these days have the integrity of a LNP politician and have a warranty period of five minutes with the company swapping out faulty units for good ones until the warranty expires since they don't bother repairing anything these days and just throw faulty units out. Plus any new unit I buy is bound to come with "The Internet Of Things" and would refuse to work until I hook it up to the internet.

New shock absorbers only cost me $100.
 

exiledblue

War Hero
Whaddya think I am, some bloody millennial who couldn't change a lightbulb without getting into trouble?

Most modern whitegoods these days have the integrity of a LNP politician and have a warranty period of five minutes with the company swapping out faulty units for good ones until the warranty expires since they don't bother repairing anything these days and just throw faulty units out. Plus any new unit I buy is bound to come with "The Internet Of Things" and would refuse to work until I hook it up to the internet.

New shock absorbers only cost me $100.
But you could watch porn while sitting on it, well worth the price.

Just admit it you are originally from Yorkshire.
 
It turns out the main bearing had gone. All due to the corrosive effect of my kit
I know a man called Tim, as that’s his name. On posting, his ? His Mrs? thought the washing machine was making a strange noise, so he had a look , taking the machine apart. So saw some bits of concrete , bolted to the top under the cover.

Ah , that’s what the noise is. Took them off. Tried a wash. Washing machine tore itself to bits , the concrete was the dampers.

Mind same man, if he bought anything you never bought it. For those that remember, he bought the first Betamax Video recorder in the block , along with laser ray player, mini disc player so any new tech shite that was going to fail.

Mind he did have about 10 years postings in the Far East - Hong Kong, Nepal and Brunei . Lucky but married a Phillapino lass in HK in 1999 , wonder why?
After she went mental.
 

ericferret

War Hero
Friend of the missus lives in France and is famous for everlasting rambling monologues over the phone that do not always make sense. Her record phone call length being an hour and three quarters.
Missus has been known to put phone down then come back later without being missed.

Anyway to my horror I picked up the phone and it is her. Brexit, cost of keeping horses she can't sell, damage to house and barns that they have no money to fix and on and on.

I attempt to relay a small fraction of the info to the missus.
I ask, "If she is so poor why has she spent £200 on marmalade?"


Marmalade is her f*cking cat, replies the missus.

Oh!
 
Her watch battery has died and the watch stopped on Saturday. She noticed Sunday and I ordered a replacement on fleabay. It turned up yesterday but it was 11.00pm before I got around to doing the swap. I told her it may be too close to midnight for the day/date to change and I'll check it in the morning.

"You'll have to change it in a couple of days anyway*."
"What?"
"There's only 28 days this month."
"No."
"Is it a leap year?"
"Yes, but it's still January."
"Oh! ........ I was getting confused with Brexit."
:scratch:


I should have bought two batteries.

*this was said on the 28th.
 
Radio silence reigns once more throughout the homestead. This morning just as it's getting light she comes to me and tells me there's a coyote prowling up and down the fence line. At first she thought it was a dog and went to take a look and thinks I should go take a look as she reckons it's sick.

I took a look at it and sure enough it's a coyote, only I took a look at it through a rifle scope and bang, it's now a dead coyote. Now here's the bone bit from her.

All upset she asks me why I killed it, It looked sick she says and we should have helped it. I replied that I did help it. I killed it. She says someone may have reared it from a pup and it may have been tame.

Oh FFS mutters I as I walk away back outside to dispose of the coyote carcass. I'll try explaining again to her later the natural instincts of coyotes.
 

Kirkz

LE
Radio silence reigns once more throughout the homestead. This morning just as it's getting light she comes to me and tells me there's a coyote prowling up and down the fence line. At first she thought it was a dog and went to take a look and thinks I should go take a look as she reckons it's sick.

I took a look at it and sure enough it's a coyote, only I took a look at it through a rifle scope and bang, it's now a dead coyote. Now here's the bone bit from her.

All upset she asks me why I killed it, It looked sick she says and we should have helped it. I replied that I did help it. I killed it. She says someone may have reared it from a pup and it may have been tame.

Oh FFS mutters I as I walk away back outside to dispose of the coyote carcass. I'll try explaining again to her later the natural instincts of coyotes.
Don't suppose you'd save the skull and post it over here?
 

Kirkz

LE
Lucky you. The horrible cnuts got one of our family dogs about 7 or 8 years ago. Same as @Sam The Bam, if I see one, it's getting a 5.56mm FMJ aspirin.
Had a couple of them approach the car on the drive into death valley when I was over there, unfortunately they were alive and I wasn't in a position to kill them and clean up the skulls.
 
Mrs OS in the supermarket this afternoon.

"Oohhhhh, that's just what we need

Me looking at the shelf and a massive grin appears on my face, I'm thinking fecking hell, she's finally up for a bit of backdoor action.

She looks at me, looks at the shelf and notices all the durex branded lube and big bottles of KY Jelly.
Mrs OS "no you dirty bastard, I was looking at the vitamins not that stuff, you bloody pervert"

This was blurted out quite loudly by SWMBO, Bloke near us burst out laughing as he realised what I was looking at.

I got a slap and she stomped off in a huff. The other bloke and me had that unsaid communication of she's got no sense of humour, he smiled nodded and walked up the aisle giggling to himself.
 

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