how bone is your missus.

I was rummaging in a cupboard today for some beer. Dear reader, you will be pleased to hear I found the beer. I also found an old set of coloured lights (battery powered). Batteries were knackered, but after replacing them, we had a nice, short loop of about 20 multi-coloured lights. I thought I’d turn the downstairs bog into Santa’s grotto, but Mrs R asked me to drape them over the mirror in the hallway. Okey doke.
Balanced them up (this is a household that runs on regularity) and almost all the lights reflect in the mirror. Nice. I pointed out my hard work in obtaining the reflection per bulb and said “by my maths, the batteries should last twice as long”. Left her to it for a bit.
She did use the “see you next Tuesday” word a short while later.
 
, breed like rabbits
Not down to you in any way :rolleyes:
Hey, I wasn't the one popping out kids left, right and centre ...

It couldn't have been having sex, like some people claim, because I never got pregnant once. I did the calculations and there was more chance of something coming from Mars ... what was ratio again?. :twisted:

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk
 
We are at home and the Royal Variety Performance has just started. We didn't want to be here and definitely not watching the RVP. Let me explain.....

A few days ago we were invited to a surprise birthday party in a local restaurant. Cue trying to find a birthday card in English and the purchase of an expensive bottle of wine as a gift. .....Sorted.

SWMBO takes a minimum of an hour to get ready. All guests had to be in the restaurant and seated by 1945 so that when birthday boy and his wife arrived, we'd all be seated and ready to shout 'surprise!' and all that crap. With 50 minutes to our departure time, she started getting ready. I took my full allocation of 15 minutes for the sh1t shave shower routine, meaning I was ready to go out well before departure time.

Not so SWMBO.

We left late, allowing me 9 minutes to make a 15 minute journey. After a bit of speeding and an illegal left turn across traffic, I got us there only slightly adrift.

Surprisingly, we were the first there. So we waited outside. At this point I notice there was not a table for 15 set up. I asked her to check it was the right restaurant, as there is another with the same name. Oh yes - right restaurant.

WRONG FEGGIN TUESDAY!

Yep, instead of being 7 minutes late, she was 6 days, 23 hours and 53 minutes early - a personal best.
 
She'll still be running late next week though.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
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We are at home and the Royal Variety Performance has just started. We didn't want to be here and definitely not watching the RVP. Let me explain.....

A few days ago we were invited to a surprise birthday party in a local restaurant. Cue trying to find a birthday card in English and the purchase of an expensive bottle of wine as a gift. .....Sorted.

SWMBO takes a minimum of an hour to get ready. All guests had to be in the restaurant and seated by 1945 so that when birthday boy and his wife arrived, we'd all be seated and ready to shout 'surprise!' and all that crap. With 50 minutes to our departure time, she started getting ready. I took my full allocation of 15 minutes for the sh1t shave shower routine, meaning I was ready to go out well before departure time.

Not so SWMBO.

We left late, allowing me 9 minutes to make a 15 minute journey. After a bit of speeding and an illegal left turn across traffic, I got us there only slightly adrift.

Surprisingly, we were the first there. So we waited outside. At this point I notice there was not a table for 15 set up. I asked her to check it was the right restaurant, as there is another with the same name. Oh yes - right restaurant.

WRONG FEGGIN TUESDAY!

Yep, instead of being 7 minutes late, she was 6 days, 23 hours and 53 minutes early - a personal best.
Sorry but I have absolutely no sympathy for you. You accepted that the information your wife passed to you was correct without checking! You deserve to be a whole week early! ;)
 
SWMBO is getting into the spirit of bloody Christmas, which means she's decorating everything.

The latest, is to bring in some cut and trimmed branches for some of our evergreens from the back garden to decorate with bells, ribbons and lights, and hang on some inside walls.

In the spirit of hoping for a quiet and content life (HA!) I provided some self-adhesive hooks/clips for her decorating purposes. They are not too sticky, and will peal off with little or no damage to the wall surface.

cable_clips.jpg

I hasten to add, these were extras, left over from a re-cabling job with lightweight cable in the attic, and were not bought specifically for the decorating.

Ready?

Here we go.

SWMBO: "These hooks are just no use"

KD: "Why is that O Splendour of the Morning?"

SWMBO: "They just won't hold the weight of these branches"

KD: "Well, to be fair, they weren't designed for that"

SWMBO: "Don't talk rubbish, they're no use" "But I fixed them"

KD: *slight hint of panic in my voice. Experience tells.* "What do you mean by fixed them Sweetheart?"

SWMBO: "Well I knew you wouldn't want to stick big nails in the walls"

KD: "Quite right my Darling" "I've just finished filling and painting them all" "Twice" "Because you didn't like the first colour you picked"

SWMBO: "Well I fixed them" "They're sticking really well now"

KD: "How did you do that my Precious?"

SWMBO: "Oh, I just used that glue I bought from the craft shop"

KD: "WHICH GLUE?"

SWMBO: "This stuff" "It's very good" "And at least you won't be moaning about the nail holes in the wall now, will you?"

Super Glue Liquid.jpg




KD: "No my Love" "You are certainly correct" "I won't be complaining about little pin holes in the wall"

She looked so proud, I didn't have the heart to tell her what was wrong with her actions. At least I've still got a quarter tin of paint left over, and even some Polyfilla.

EDIT: Just discovered she bought 3 tubes of the stuff. Now all safely hidden in the dirty/oily box in my shed.
 
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SWMBO is getting into the spirit of bloody Christmas, which means she's decorating everything.

The latest, is to bring in some cut and trimmed branches for some of our evergreens from the back garden to decorate with bells, ribbons and lights, and hang on some inside walls.

In the spirit of hoping for a quiet and content life (HA!) I provided some self-adhesive hooks/clips for her decorating purposes. They are not too sticky, and will peal off with little or no damage to the wall surface.

View attachment 436947
I hasten to add, these were extras, left over from a re-cabling job with lightweight cable in the attic, and were not bought specifically for the decorating.

Ready?

Here we go.

SWMBO: "These hooks are just no use"

KD: "Why is that O Splendour of the Morning?"

SWMBO: "They just won't hold the weight of these branches"

KD: "Well, to be fair, they weren't designed for that"

SWMBO: "Don't talk rubbish, they're no use" "But I fixed them"

KD: *slight hint of panic in my voice. Experience tells.* "What do you mean by fixed them Sweetheart?"

SWMBO: "Well I knew you wouldn't want to stick big nails in the walls"

KD: "Quite right my Darling" "I've just finished filling and painting them all" "Twice" "Because you didn't like the first colour you picked"

SWMBO: "Well I fixed them" "They're sticking really well now"

KD: "How did you do that my Precious?"

SWMBO: "Oh, I just used that glue I bought from the craft shop"

KD: "WHICH GLUE?"

SWMBO: "This stuff" "It's very good" "And at least you won't be moaning about the nail holes in the wall now, will you?"

View attachment 436948



KD: "No my Love" "You are certainly correct" "I won't be complaining about little pin holes in the wall"

She looked so proud, I didn't have the heart to tell her what was wrong with her actions. At least I've still got a quarter tin of paint left over, and even some Polyfilla.
It is clearly evident from your posts, that you won't need reminding WHO it is, that should be given the pleasure/responsibility of removing the "hooks" with the(ir) attached "sheet" of recently decorated plaster! :( .
 
SWMBO is getting into the spirit of bloody Christmas, which means she's decorating everything.

The latest, is to bring in some cut and trimmed branches for some of our evergreens from the back garden to decorate with bells, ribbons and lights, and hang on some inside walls.

In the spirit of hoping for a quiet and content life (HA!) I provided some self-adhesive hooks/clips for her decorating purposes. They are not too sticky, and will peal off with little or no damage to the wall surface.

View attachment 436947
I hasten to add, these were extras, left over from a re-cabling job with lightweight cable in the attic, and were not bought specifically for the decorating.

Ready?

Here we go.

SWMBO: "These hooks are just no use"

KD: "Why is that O Splendour of the Morning?"

SWMBO: "They just won't hold the weight of these branches"

KD: "Well, to be fair, they weren't designed for that"

SWMBO: "Don't talk rubbish, they're no use" "But I fixed them"

KD: *slight hint of panic in my voice. Experience tells.* "What do you mean by fixed them Sweetheart?"

SWMBO: "Well I knew you wouldn't want to stick big nails in the walls"

KD: "Quite right my Darling" "I've just finished filling and painting them all" "Twice" "Because you didn't like the first colour you picked"

SWMBO: "Well I fixed them" "They're sticking really well now"

KD: "How did you do that my Precious?"

SWMBO: "Oh, I just used that glue I bought from the craft shop"

KD: "WHICH GLUE?"

SWMBO: "This stuff" "It's very good" "And at least you won't be moaning about the nail holes in the wall now, will you?"

View attachment 436948



KD: "No my Love" "You are certainly correct" "I won't be complaining about little pin holes in the wall"

She looked so proud, I didn't have the heart to tell her what was wrong with her actions. At least I've still got a quarter tin of paint left over, and even some Polyfilla.

EDIT: Just discovered she bought 3 tubes of the stuff. Now all safely hidden in the dirty/oily box in my shed.
Wherever she bought the glue: You should be able to buy a tube of stuff that dissolves or melts the superglue. Ive used it for fixing errors/uns-gluing parts from my fingers while hobbying.
 
SWMBO is getting into the spirit of bloody Christmas, which means she's decorating everything.

The latest, is to bring in some cut and trimmed branches for some of our evergreens from the back garden to decorate with bells, ribbons and lights, and hang on some inside walls.

In the spirit of hoping for a quiet and content life (HA!) I provided some self-adhesive hooks/clips for her decorating purposes. They are not too sticky, and will peal off with little or no damage to the wall surface.

View attachment 436947
I hasten to add, these were extras, left over from a re-cabling job with lightweight cable in the attic, and were not bought specifically for the decorating.

Ready?

Here we go.

SWMBO: "These hooks are just no use"

KD: "Why is that O Splendour of the Morning?"

SWMBO: "They just won't hold the weight of these branches"

KD: "Well, to be fair, they weren't designed for that"

SWMBO: "Don't talk rubbish, they're no use" "But I fixed them"

KD: *slight hint of panic in my voice. Experience tells.* "What do you mean by fixed them Sweetheart?"

SWMBO: "Well I knew you wouldn't want to stick big nails in the walls"

KD: "Quite right my Darling" "I've just finished filling and painting them all" "Twice" "Because you didn't like the first colour you picked"

SWMBO: "Well I fixed them" "They're sticking really well now"

KD: "How did you do that my Precious?"

SWMBO: "Oh, I just used that glue I bought from the craft shop"

KD: "WHICH GLUE?"

SWMBO: "This stuff" "It's very good" "And at least you won't be moaning about the nail holes in the wall now, will you?"

View attachment 436948



KD: "No my Love" "You are certainly correct" "I won't be complaining about little pin holes in the wall"

She looked so proud, I didn't have the heart to tell her what was wrong with her actions. At least I've still got a quarter tin of paint left over, and even some Polyfilla.

EDIT: Just discovered she bought 3 tubes of the stuff. Now all safely hidden in the dirty/oily box in my shed.

Mine is out to town at the moment, couple of days ago she sent me an email with a link to Home Depot with instructions to order two rolls of something for the kitchen. She is on her way back from picking it up from the store.

I can't wait to see what I am going to have to fix/repair now after she has got through doing whatever it is she's going to do. I really do wish she'd stop having this great (in her mind) ideas.
 
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It's her works Xmas do tonight. I'm unbelievably happy that other halves aren't invited! So this afternoon I took her into town to the hairdressers. "I'll only be half an hour", she says as she gets out of the car. Now given that it would take me 20 minutes to drive home, I'm now effectively stuck in town. Never mind, went for a wander around the shops.

Oh but the number of married blokes who were getting dragged around by their long haired ones to "help" with carrying the Xmas presents. "Poor bastards", I thought. There was a whiff of sulphur and possibly some purple smoke.

Anyhoo, she comes out of the hairdressers after only 45 minutes, to which I wisely kept schtum. She then announces that we'll stop off at the out of town mall on the way home to get some presents. My heart sank. Thankfully it was only a couple of fancy blankets she wanted to buy so we were in and out quite quickly. Thank fuck.

Except that when we came across a pair of escalators, wanting to go up, on the way back to the car, she paused for a second or two looking at them, as if she couldn't quite work out which one she wanted. Obviously her tiny mind was elsewhere thinking of more important things like what she was going to wear tonight and recognising an "up" escalator was beyond her - and they reckon they can multi-task?

I'm now sat here on my tod, with a rather nice single malt, as she is getting a taxi home. A peaceful evening beckons...
 

NSP

LE
SWMBO is getting into the spirit of bloody Christmas, which means she's decorating everything.

The latest, is to bring in some cut and trimmed branches for some of our evergreens from the back garden to decorate with bells, ribbons and lights, and hang on some inside walls.

In the spirit of hoping for a quiet and content life (HA!) I provided some self-adhesive hooks/clips for her decorating purposes. They are not too sticky, and will peal off with little or no damage to the wall surface.

View attachment 436947
I hasten to add, these were extras, left over from a re-cabling job with lightweight cable in the attic, and were not bought specifically for the decorating.

Ready?

Here we go.

SWMBO: "These hooks are just no use"

KD: "Why is that O Splendour of the Morning?"

SWMBO: "They just won't hold the weight of these branches"

KD: "Well, to be fair, they weren't designed for that"

SWMBO: "Don't talk rubbish, they're no use" "But I fixed them"

KD: *slight hint of panic in my voice. Experience tells.* "What do you mean by fixed them Sweetheart?"

SWMBO: "Well I knew you wouldn't want to stick big nails in the walls"

KD: "Quite right my Darling" "I've just finished filling and painting them all" "Twice" "Because you didn't like the first colour you picked"

SWMBO: "Well I fixed them" "They're sticking really well now"

KD: "How did you do that my Precious?"

SWMBO: "Oh, I just used that glue I bought from the craft shop"

KD: "WHICH GLUE?"

SWMBO: "This stuff" "It's very good" "And at least you won't be moaning about the nail holes in the wall now, will you?"

View attachment 436948



KD: "No my Love" "You are certainly correct" "I won't be complaining about little pin holes in the wall"

She looked so proud, I didn't have the heart to tell her what was wrong with her actions. At least I've still got a quarter tin of paint left over, and even some Polyfilla.

EDIT: Just discovered she bought 3 tubes of the stuff. Now all safely hidden in the dirty/oily box in my shed.
Cut your losses; kill her now. Claim on the life insurance.
 
I don't have trouble with any shopping, if we go to the supermarket she gets a trolley
we walk into the store together and go our different ways I see her back at the car,
if we go to Plymouth, she goes shopping on her own we meet up for lunch
then maybe [weather permitting] we go up to Plymouth Hoe together
We only go shopping together if we go to buy something specific or something
big has to be carried back to the car
If I need beer [max 2 x12 ] we meet at the beer rack I load i the beer in her trolley, she
does the shopping and I see her back at the car, now if I'm stocking up on beer I
get it myself, this way of shopping stops loads of arguments
NB if we go out walking and taking photos we are joined at the hip :)
You think I trust her to do a food shop? Are you insane?
 
I was away in the UK for a week and got back on Tuesday.

Laterish, the wife went to bed and I followed about 20 minutes later.

Low Beeep.

Pause: Low Beeep.

What the fcuk? What's that I ask.

Mrs: "Oh the fire alarm started beeping the day after you left"

"So why is it still beeping"

"Coz I didn't know how to stop it beeping!"

"So where is it now?"

"Wrapped up in a blanket inside the dryer"

"Well, that's helpful if the smoke from a fire manages to seep into the laundry room, and into the closed dryer, why didn't you just change the battery?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you just change the battery?"

"Why, is that all I needed to do?"

Banging my head on the pillow didn't have the same effect as rolling over and remaining silent.
 

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