how bone is your missus.

Mrs F likes to make Chilli Jam.

As usual, my suggestion of the chillies available was wrong as they were a mix of green and red, so they were returned to the supermarket shelf as they would affect the colour of the finished product.

Instead she picked up some lovely bright red chillies. Scotch Bonnet chillies. I did mention that they might be a bit hot for her needs.

Fast forward to today, the effect of boiling red peppers, tomatoes and 10 Scotch Bonnet chillies in vinegar is akin to having a CS chamber in the kitchen.
Bet neither of you has a blocked nose!
 

gorillaguts981

War Hero
Remove respirator, state service number, full name in reverse order, take a deep breath and then outside crying, snotting and trying not to rub your eyes.
 
SWMBO couldn't find her watch (smart) and suggested that I may have moved or hidden said smart watch, as the ever lovely husband I wandered of to the kitchen and used my cell phone to call her so her smart watch would ring, I wandered back in and asked if she had found her watch, looking at her smart watch on her wrist (making lots of noise) she replied I haven't got time for that now my phones ringing.
Muppet
 
Watching Pointless on TV, question comes up about famous Swiss people, Tina Turner's name is on there.

Swmbo. "I didn't know Tina Turner was Swedish"

Me. " you fucking what"

Swmbo. "Tina Turner, I didn't know she was Swedish"

Me. " ummm, since when are Swiss people Swedish"

Swmbo " Because its the same place obviously"

One quick geography lesson explaining the difference between the chocolate making money hoarders and the vodka swilling Vikings, she muttered "That's going on fucking Arrse isn't it"

I nodded sagely at her
 
Dogs limping

Mrs Looks over and says I think its a problem with a front leg or possibly a back leg.


Well that narrowed down the option didn't it
Yep they don't half come out with some right crackers, pure comedy gold.
 

anglo

LE
Driving in town, a two-stroke motor bike nips in front of us
SWMBO, "A wasp in a jar"
Silence
SWMBO, "that's not right is it"
Me, "No, it's, Bee in a bottle"
SWMBO, "Well it's near enough"
Silence
 
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My brother in law was a traffic policeman and he came out with a classic about one of their neighbours.

Now for those not in the UK you can purchase the right to use a personal car number plate but you don't own the registration. Also, you can't modify the plate to read the word that you want. So as an example, HE 110, can't be modified to read HE110 (hello). You can lose the plate if you do. The events in question happened in 2003, so the rules might have changed since.

So bearing that in mind, the neighbour, a short, blonde hairdresser of limited intelligence bought a personalised number plate (legal) and a modified plate, that because it moved the space actually spelled out her nickname, which she fitted to her car.

BiL advised her to put the original plate back, which she did for a week, before she put the modified plate back on. BiL then pulled her up again and advised her that he was reporting her to DVLA with the recommendation that her plate was revoked.

When he asked her why she had done it again she replied, in the whiney Geordie accent of the terminally stupid

"Because if someone nicked my car and I saw it I'd know that it was mine."
 
Masterchef.
Olivia. Young chef.

Swmbo " she needs a good seeing to"

Me (snorting beer), you fucking what.

Swmbo. "look at her, she needs a bloke to smash her to bits, she's to uptight, she needs a good hard shagging".

Me... I've just taken a keen interest in cookery.
 

Sammer

War Hero
Wife has mental Dutch friend round, and they’re drinking beer...and wine...and I’m keeping out of it.
Mine announced a couple of days ago, “It’s Eymi’s birthday on Thursday, I’m off out with her and the others (all female), do you want to come with us?” I asked where and at what time, purely because I thought I should take an interest. I had no intention of going with them though. I apologised and said I’d be busy at work.

She’s just rung me up, they’re getting drunk and she has run out of money, can I go and drop off our credit card or some cash, please?

I’m contemplating saying no, but then I’ll be the grumpy, tight-fisted fool. If I go she’ll then decide that they can save on taxi fares by using me.

No mention of why tf she left the house without enough money, to go to a birthday party, in a restaurant. Again her ‘absent-mindedness’ becomes my problem.
 
Not the Mrs but her Mum......but I blame both

The mother in law decided to treat her great grandkids to an advent calendar each.....so when shopping with her daughter she purchased 4 advent calendars , these were duly bought home and 2 delivered to first brace of kids by my Wife .....both kids ran off with the calender's only for the 6 year old to come back laughing ......." Oma (Dutch for Grandma ) these calender's........they're for dogs ..." !!!!

Mrs had a look and indeed they were for dogs. When asking her Mum how it happened..... the 90 year old Great Grandmother replied " I did think it was a bit strange they were with the pet stuff "

Both dogs now have 4 advent calender's so I suggested to the Wife we open one each as it's now December and start giving the dogs a daily treat......." Oh " says the Wife " I was going to give them the calender's for Christmas ....they'll never know....."
 
Masterchef.
Olivia. Young chef.

Swmbo " she needs a good seeing to"

Me (snorting beer), you ******* what.

Swmbo. "look at her, she needs a bloke to smash her to bits, she's to uptight, she needs a good hard shagging".

Me... I've just taken a keen interest in cookery.
Have you considered suggesting a threesome?
 
Serves me right , flying in the morning to Lanzarote, so we decided to spend the night at a hotel just outside g Glasgow airport and the car park

Right, use the Sat nav on your phone, and she does, we end up in a cul_ de _sac, nice looking new houses but very time it throws us into a dead end or a blocked road with a path

You guessed it

She had the bloody thing set for pushbikes, took an extra hour to get here
Now looking at a very disturbed night sleep, Xmas party season , and the local weegies are all pissed, most of them also have rooms here
 
Serves me right , flying in the morning to Lanzarote, so we decided to spend the night at a hotel just outside g Glasgow airport and the car park

Right, use the Sat nav on your phone, and she does, we end up in a cul_ de _sac, nice looking new houses but
We have more bloody arguments sat nav related

Reason 1
At Junction Turn right , Mrs ignores it - SAT Nav now instructing her to take other route or do a U turn -
Mrs now screeching because SAT nav going berserk and taking her down small streets - Yes dear but why didn't you turn when it said
Because I didn't think it was the way - and now its stupid cant trust it confusing etc
Its only gone mad because you ignored it
Reason 2 - (applys equally to me map reading *) At junction turn / go straight on etc - I will state follow Garmin - Mrs turns down road to direction X because she recognises it its on way home. NO IT FUCKING ISNT

Followed by My closing the map / turning off SAt NAV
Why did you do that
Because its pointless giving directions if youre ignoring them
But I dont know where im going
So why not follow the directions
Because (and I love this) I wasn't sure and thought it was this way -- The map me and Garmin all saying go the other way wasn't a strong enough indication somehow.

*More so because I will say - were coming up on a junction these a road to X - dont go that way we are actually between x and home on a different road - X is the wrong way - Oh right so were now putting an extra hour on our Journey for no reason
 
We have more bloody arguments sat nav related

Reason 1
At Junction Turn right , Mrs ignores it - SAT Nav now instructing her to take other route or do a U turn -
Mrs now screeching because SAT nav going berserk and taking her down small streets - Yes dear but why didn't you turn when it said
Because I didn't think it was the way - and now its stupid cant trust it confusing etc
Its only gone mad because you ignored it
Reason 2 - (applys equally to me map reading *) At junction turn / go straight on etc - I will state follow Garmin - Mrs turns down road to direction X because she recognises it its on way home. NO IT ******* ISNT

Followed by My closing the map / turning off SAt NAV
Why did you do that
Because its pointless giving directions if youre ignoring them
But I dont know where im going
So why not follow the directions
Because (and I love this) I wasn't sure and thought it was this way -- The map me and Garmin all saying go the other way wasn't a strong enough indication somehow.

*More so because I will say - were coming up on a junction these a road to X - dont go that way we are actually between x and home on a different road - X is the wrong way - Oh right so were now putting an extra hour on our Journey for no reason
Ahhh mine does something similar.
I invite her to get out and fucking walk and see if she can get there faster.

Radio silence. Pure bliss.
 
Not as bad as it first trip from Ijmuden to.Berlin as we left the dock 'make a u turn'
She keeps telling me to turn round , I keep ignoring her because we are travelling East
She only put Ijmuden as the first destination
Say nav and the wife squawking at me for an hour, she insisted I finally did and we ended in Harlem...nice town not if you are driving a 7.5 metre motorhome
But not as bad as when she took us on the shortest distances between two points when we were touring France, we'd only just bought tthe van and it took us up roads I'd not take a motorbike, it was however a really good trip and we did go to many places we'd never have visited
 

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