how bone is your missus.

A friend has a garden shed to get away from his wife and his two female children.
Set up with electricity, beer cooler, tv and heating, best purchase ever his man cave!
Padlocked and only 2 keys, Me & Him.
A friend of mine is restoring a Boat, its unlikely to ever get finished, or to see the water, what with him living 10 miles from the river, and having built a new garage between it and the road !!
but its got power ( supplied by me) and a water supply and all the comforts of home
 
Keep an eye out for a red squirrel skull there were loads of the tuffty little ******* about.
I could've got you a hedgehog one this morning...

DSC_2864 (2).jpg


...only it was still in use.
Daft bugger had managed to fit itself inside one of my rat traps that I had to dismantle in order to get it free.
Soon woke up & seemed to appreciate the bowl of moggy food I gave it before wombling off down the garden.
First one I've seen here.
 
Don't tell porkies, it's your wooden passion palace where you and he engage in all forms of depraved botty sex
I can see that's what you like.
Presumably your motto is butt for enjoyment, vaginal for making babies, so your a botty man then!
 
I can see that's what you like.
Presumably your motto is butt for enjoyment, vaginal for making babies, so your a botty man then!
If you and He enjoy vaginal sex together, that's fine. :) And no, I'm a "abstinent man" :)
 
Your a self confessed " ******" then.? :)
I haven't confessed to anything except being abstinent for the last few years. I still love my fiancee too much to contemplate anyone else. That's not to say I do not admire certain ladies of a female nature and appreciate their physical attractiveness, and there are a few names that appeared on our mutual list of celebs who we wouldn't object to a night of rampant cuddling, Most of them are married though.

Short answer? None of your business.
 
I haven't confessed to anything except being abstinent for the last few years. I still love my fiancee too much to contemplate anyone else. That's not to say I do not admire certain ladies of a female nature and appreciate their physical attractiveness, and there are a few names that appeared on our mutual list of celebs who we wouldn't object to a night of rampant cuddling, Most of them are married though.

Short answer? None of your business.
<My bold>

A few years ago that would have been a fairly redundant thing to say.
How things have changed.
 
I could've got you a hedgehog one this morning...

View attachment 398327

...only it was still in use.
Daft bugger had managed to fit itself inside one of my rat traps that I had to dismantle in order to get it free.
Soon woke up & seemed to appreciate the bowl of moggy food I gave it before wombling off down the garden.
First one I've seen here.
They make some cracking crisps

Top-10-Strange-and-Unusual-Flavours-of-Crisps-9.jpg
 
Mrs B recently purchased ludicrously expensive toaster. Why? Cos' it matches other ludicroudly expensive stuff she insists on filling kitchen with. That's it. Otherwise it's a bloody toaster.

But one which if you let it do the pop up thing sometimes arcs and trips out the ring main it is plugged into.

So painfully been through how (i)to prevemt this by manually operating and (ii) reset the breaker. Many, many times.

WhatsApp arrives: "I couldn't get the sodding black electric switch thingy to stay up. Now it does but nothing works!"

No.2 son at home so got him to have a look:

"She had not reset the red master breaker because you told her not to touch it unless she had to. I tried to explain but it's all your fault again. Obvs."
 
Mrs B recently purchased ludicrously expensive toaster. Why? Cos' it matches other ludicroudly expensive stuff she insists on filling kitchen with. That's it. Otherwise it's a bloody toaster.

But one which if you let it do the pop up thing sometimes arcs and trips out the ring main it is plugged into.

So painfully been through how (i)to prevemt this by manually operating and (ii) reset the breaker. Many, many times.

WhatsApp arrives: "I couldn't get the sodding black electric switch thingy to stay up. Now it does but nothing works!"

No.2 son at home so got him to have a look:

"She had not reset the red master breaker because you told her not to touch it unless she had to. I tried to explain but it's all your fault again. Obvs."
No warranty on the toaster?
 
Several colleagues of mine decided to learn to ride a motorbike in Cambodia. Cambodia! This plan had a 100% casualty rate.

The situation with foreigners getting hurt/killed on bikes got so bad that they eventually banned foreigners hiring bikes in the tourist areas.

Not much safer on the back of moto-taxis either. I once saw a French female tourist killed riding on the back of a bike. Local girls have a habit of riding side saddle on bikes in SE Asia as it saves them from having to hitch up their sarongs to get on the back. This is a risky combination at the best of times, but at least the local girls have a lifetime of experience. The bike braked suddenly and the French girl (sitting side saddle) tipped off backwards. Smashed the back of her head in. No crash helmet compulsory for pillion riders.

Aah, Yes ... not much improvement from mid-92 when we chucked approximately 5000-odd UN vehicles into the mix ... after less than six weeks many of them looked like
F3F81695-3266-4C9F-B052-904EE206C531.jpeg
this ...
 
Bloody NGOs have got too much time on their hands, organising stock car races....
Mostly recently-licensed pre-deployment ‘developing nations’ military and police contingents. Some of the battalions’ driver licence documents were consecutively numbered, same date. Some even had the same document number for everyone ... itwas so much fun.
 
SWMBO has driven up in our only car to stay with her mum for three days. My mate, not long out of hospital for back surgery, and living five miles away in deepest, darkest ‘erefordshire, messaged me: “I’m allowed to drive again, fancy a pub lunch?”

I messaged SWMBO to tell her our plans.

SWMBO: “That’s nice. Will you go and collect him?”
 
Tonight, we had a cold chicken salad, making the most of yesterday's roast bird.

I'd stripped the chicken, and Mrs Wightsparker made a potato salad and a green salad. She rather liked adding some fresh pineapple to the latter - a good idea. But although I offered to cut the fruit (as usual) she decided I had other tasks ( which could well have waited, but heigh-ho.)

It transpired that in her eighth decade, she had never cut up a pineapple to eat. So as I worked through my salad, I found the pineapple bits somewhat chewy.

Gently pointing out to her that the core of a pineapple should be cut out, she bridled and said that hers was lovely.......

I tried to explain. Had she ever noticed that tinned pineapple slices had a hole in the middle? Oh f*ck me, am I the grumbler.......
 
The rotten cow got her own back today for several recent wind-ups.
She was watching something on Sky and I had headphones on, elbow deep in mp3 files. I was vaguely aware of an advert for Sky F1 coverage that was playing.
"Ooh! Vettel announces retirement."
"Who, What, Where?"
"On Sky, just now."
A mad scrabble for the remote and furious rewinding - Fuck all.
She was sniggering, fit to burst.
Biatch.
 
Tonight, we had a cold chicken salad, making the most of yesterday's roast bird.

I'd stripped the chicken, and Mrs Wightsparker made a potato salad and a green salad. She rather liked adding some fresh pineapple to the latter - a good idea. But although I offered to cut the fruit (as usual) she decided I had other tasks ( which could well have waited, but heigh-ho.)

It transpired that in her eighth decade, she had never cut up a pineapple to eat. So as I worked through my salad, I found the pineapple bits somewhat chewy.

Gently pointing out to her that the core of a pineapple should be cut out, she bridled and said that hers was lovely.......

I tried to explain. Had she ever noticed that tinned pineapple slices had a hole in the middle? Oh f*ck me, am I the grumbler.......
We had a very pleasant meatballs with pasta and tomato sauce tonight. Mrs Wightsparker provided simple, fried supermarket meatballs with a home-made onion and tomato sauce and supermarket pasta shells.

But no garlic, and I kept quiet.

Then she said: "Oh! I forgot the garlic!"
I reassured her that the meal was delicious,

But then I added: "At least there wasn't any pineapple......."

KRAKATOA! BANGGGGGGGGGG!

Luckily, if necessary, I am perfectly capable of cooking for myself for the near future.
 

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