how bone is your missus.

I’ve been on a work trip. Out of the flat for a shade less than 60 hours. Two and a half days. What could possibly go wrong in that small amount of time?

“Sam, don’t go in the kitchen, you’ll get cross.”
“How am I going to have a cup of tea and prepare my breakfast then?”

“Just don’t shout at me, OK?”

I should point out at this juncture that she owns and runs a small restaurant. She is the joint owner of a small chain of 14 restaurants.

I might also point out that if I were to leave a sock/piece of paper/tea towel out of place she would have words.

View attachment 391111 View attachment 391112
This made me smile.#

Came home a few years back to be met outside the house.
Don't get mad.
Why?
I had an accident in the kitchen.

Two friends were staying and were having a domestic.
Missus didn't want them alone so she got a bowl of potatoes and took them into the living room to peel while she could continue to talk to them.
Meantime she had put a chip pan on the cooker on high.

The kitchen was a wonder to behold all the plaster was off the ceiling over the cooker and every surface had a layer of smokey grease covering it.

It took a few days to clean, plus replastering and complete redecoration.

What did I do?

Put my arm round her and said "well it needed a coat of paint anyway".

There are times when there is just nothing much to say.
 
Taking the back off a plug and copying the wiring seems to be beyond most snowflakes too.
A bloke I worked with at BR brought a table lamp in to work so his dad could rewire the plug for him, he was in his thirties at the time, the useless ****.

When daughter was at university I received a phone call about an electrical issue with a washing machine that didn't work.

Have you checked it's switched on?

Dad I'm at university and I am not thick.

Yes but..........

It blew the main fuse I've sorted that, I've also checked the plug and put in a new fuse just in case. I've had a look at the heater element and it's fine the drum also rotates. Now if you've got any sensible suggestions I would like to hear them!!!!!!

The joys of growing up in an old Lincolnshire house, great training for the young.

Mum was similar.

Cars missing.

Did you forget where you parked it dear (witty eh).

No dickhead, I've checked the plugs, put on a new distributor cap and new leads. Its still missing. Probably the coil.

The joys of driving old bangers at University in the 70's.
 
This made me smile.#

Came home a few years back to be met outside the house.
Don't get mad.
Why?
I had an accident in the kitchen.

Two friends were staying and were having a domestic.
Missus didn't want them alone so she got a bowl of potatoes and took them into the living room to peel while she could continue to talk to them.
Meantime she had put a chip pan on the cooker on high.

The kitchen was a wonder to behold all the plaster was off the ceiling over the cooker and every surface had a layer of smokey grease covering it.

It took a few days to clean, plus replastering and complete redecoration.

What did I do?

Put my arm round her and said "well it needed a coat of paint anyway".

There are times when there is just nothing much to say.
You sly dog. That's got to be worth at least 3 blow jobs. Well done you.
 
Wives can be a bit strange at time , this last summer ...
Her ; "What shall we have for dinner tonight ?"
Me ; Why dont we go to the pub ? They do some smashing meals there
Her ; "No Im too hot and too tired to want to go out tonight"
Next day
Her ; "What shall we have for dinner tonight ?"
Me : Shame its Friday else we could go to the pub but it will be to busy to have an enjoyable meal .
Her : "Well I did mention about going yesterday but you chose to ignore me"
Me : WTF ???????????????
 
Wives can be a bit strange at time , this last summer ...
Her ; "What shall we have for dinner tonight ?"
Me ; Why dont we go to the pub ? They do some smashing meals there
Her ; "No Im too hot and too tired to want to go out tonight"
Next day
Her ; "What shall we have for dinner tonight ?"
Me : Shame its Friday else we could go to the pub but it will be to busy to have an enjoyable meal .
Her : "Well I did mention about going yesterday but you chose to ignore me"
Me : WTF ???????????????
Do these incidents happen about twelve times a year?
 
While we were having lunch today, she looked out of the patio door, up into the clear blue sky where there were a number of contrails.
"Look at all those contrails; it isn't even holiday season yet! Now they've got that other lot over there, there'll be even more!"
She's thinking that the contrails are from planes using Southend, where Ryanair have just joined Easyjet, Flybe, Air Malta and Stobart Air. She hates Southend Airport with a vengeance. I tried to put her straight.
"Those aren't from aircraft using Southend; they don't say 'Hey! we're at 20+k feet over the airport, we'd better dive now', they're from aircraft transiting from Europe or the USA, or from airports north of the midlands on the way to the Med."
"What, so they're not even from our aircraft? So, foreign aircraft are dropping pollution over us?"
"Well, yes."
"Do our aircraft fly over other countries spreading pollution?"
(How is this news?)
"Yes, especially over France. In fact, lots of our planes go out of their way to pollute France."
"Oh....................... WHAT?............Prick!"
 
I was cooking tonight. Only hot dogs and chips , nowt extravagant.
Plated up, salt and vinegar on the chips and she comes forth with.

"Do you want me to spread mustard on your sausage "

Me. " fuck no, it'll fucking burn a bit"

Her. " that's not what I Mea....... you fucking dare put that on ARRSE you twat"
 
Our lass pulled a 24 hour shift on Friday so had an early night yesterday. That means that she decided to watch Eurovision this morning on iPlayer. Her still being tired may explain the following.

For anyone fortunate enough not to have seen it, it starts with the contestants being "flown" into Tel Aviv. Then the "plane" pulls into the arena and discharges the contestants.

Our lass sees this and says: "Oh, they're having the contest at the airport. "
 
Mrs B crapping on about not being late as she is flapping about getting ready to go to shops for 08.00 as I am loading mucho kit and general shit associated with shooting into wagon. Off she goes.

Time passes. Ping. WhatsApp. No 2 son is with me in wagon. He reads it out:

"What's with all that shooting stuff! I told you we are leaving mid afternoon!"

"Ah the penny has finally worked it's way through to the braincell. Tell your mother I am not going to see those arsehole friends of hers ever again. Already told her that many, many times."

"Faaaaasccckkkk no. You two can have that pissing match all by yourselves."

My child rearing efforts have not been wasted
 
We are at a working farm in Wales, so of course for the journey you wear sandals without a heel strap. You will be needed to help with the two dogs.
At the motorway services you manage to trip over a raised manhole that the dog you are holding has just tripped on. Flat on face and some filthy bastard hasn't cleaned up after his dog so you can land in it.
At the farm it is time to feed the hounds, the juice from the defrosted tripe has an odour all of its own. So nice when it leaks on to your toes!
 
We are at a working farm in Wales, so of course for the journey you wear sandals without a heel strap. You will be needed to help with the two dogs.
At the motorway services you manage to trip over a raised manhole that the dog you are holding has just tripped on. Flat on face and some filthy bastard hasn't cleaned up after his dog so you can land in it.
At the farm it is time to feed the hounds, the juice from the defrosted tripe has an odour all of its own. So nice when it leaks on to your toes!
I'm not sure your missus is bone just because she didn't suggest an alternative to your inappropriate footwear. I'm pretty sure you're big and ugly enough to make those sort of decisions for yourself.
 
We are at a working farm in Wales, so of course for the journey you wear sandals without a heel strap. You will be needed to help with the two dogs.
At the motorway services you manage to trip over a raised manhole that the dog you are holding has just tripped on. Flat on face and some filthy bastard hasn't cleaned up after his dog so you can land in it.
At the farm it is time to feed the hounds, the juice from the defrosted tripe has an odour all of its own. So nice when it leaks on to your toes!
Aahh! Inappropriate footware. Years ago, we went to the Warbirds Airshow at North Weald. After a superb day out we were walking back to the car across the undulating grass when she started splashing through water a couple of inches deep. "Odd, it hasn't been raining", she said, looking along the flow to the Gents bog trailer 20yds or so away.
I don't know if wearing jelly sandals was a good or bad move. We always had a gallon or so of water in the back for the dogs so she was able to clean up. I was lucky being on one of the 'high' bits.
 

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