how bone is your missus.

So was it her or you that cleaned her piss and shite off of the sofa, then?
I assure you that none of the stuff made it to the house. Under strict instructions from SWMBO I was informed of how this would be accomplished. It worked thus allowing the smelly lady to get to the shower.
 
I assure you that none of the stuff made it to the house. Under strict instructions from SWMBO I was informed of how this would be accomplished. It worked thus allowing the smelly lady to get to the shower.
But if she wasn't moving from the sofa except for more food and wine then.........oh, forget it.
 
This morning while letting the livestock stretch their legs I noticed one of them raise it's back hoof quickly like it stepped on something and afterwards start limping.

I separated it and took it back inside to have a look, it had a stone trapped in there. I'm reaching for my pocket knife when SWMBO swans in to see what I'm doing, I tell her what's going on and she bends down for a look.

Now I've told her many times about the danger areas of a cow, where not to stand in case it kicks or panics. I guess she forgot because she's standing behind the cow and just as she bends down to take a look the cow lets fly with projectile shite and it hits her right on the coupon and she was talking at the time of the hit to the face.

I'm not talking a few splatters of sh!te here, I mean the full on facial and half the chest covered in cow sh!te. I really tried to keep a straight face really I did but I just cracked up. Much to her credit when she stopped spitting out cow sh!te and cleaned off her face she burst out laughing as well.

After she had showered for what seemed hours she went to the kitchen, grabbed food and wine, then turned on the telly and sprawled out on the sofa. Her reasoning was that being covered in shit so early in the day was a very good indicator of how the rest of her day was going to go so she wasn't moving from the couch except to get more food and wine.
You need to get some video cameras set up, and get them doing it on a regular basis. Our German friends would, ahem, lap that shit up!
 
Daughter's visiting this weekend. Her and SWMBO have been shopping this aft in town and I picked them up. On the way home daughter announces she fancies fish and chips for tea. Fair enough.

"Who's got some cash on them?" I asked, having left the house without any.
"They'll take card, won't they?" the daughter says.
"You're not in that there Lunnun now kid", quoth I.
Smugly.

For 3 of us it came to about £11. "HOW MUCH?!" daughter exclaims. "It'd be at least £6-£7 EACH in London!"
"You're not in that there Lunnun now kid", quoth I.
Smugly.
Again.
 
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Blu Ray player in the living room went tits on Friday, as we have a 4K TV we decided to upgrade to a 4K Blu Ray player and bought one the same as I have in my man cave. Came back yesterday and set it up. Just before we sit down earlier to watch some of our new 4K discs I go upstairs and get my remote from the man cave. I sit with it on the sofa tucked under my leg and operating it with my right hand hidden from her view.

Missus puts the disc in and just as she stands up I press the eject button on my remote. She then pushes eject on her remote, disc goes back in and just as she sits down I press eject again. Disc pops out. She pushes eject and disc goes back in. She looks at the machine suspiciously. As she presses play and the menu appears I press stop. Shen then ejects the disc and gets up to clean it, I press play just as she gets there and the disc goes in, she sits back down. As it starts to play I press eject.

I've been doing this for about an hour, sometimes letting the film run for a wee while.

She has not twigged yet.

Similar too, it's a few years ago and Mrs RM received "Mamma Mia" on DVD for Christmas, she was delighted!
Obviously, I however were not so keen.
I quickly asked her to pass me it and pretended to read the back, upon which I said...."That's a bugger, it won't play down here, it's a region 1 disc, this player only does region 2, you will have to watch it upstairs on the lappy!"
Cue on a few month's, curiosity must have gotten hold as she had lent it out. Tries it in my lovely spangly surround sound system! Whooah the looks, the expletives, just absolutely priceless! :-D:-D:-D
 
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Daughter's visiting this weekend. Her and SWMBO have been shopping this aft in town and I picked them up. On the way home daughter announces she fancies fish and chips for tea. Fair enough.

"Who's got some cash on them?" I asked, having left the house without any.
"They'll take card, won't they?" the daughter says.
"You're not in that there Lunnun now kid", quoth I.
Smugly.

For 3 of us it came to about £11. "HOW MUCH?!" daughter exclaims. "It'd be at least £6-£7 EACH in London!"
"You're not in that there Lunnun now kid", quoth I.
Smugly.
Again.
Croydon, eh.
 
Got to say, I nearly got Mrs RangdoOfArg today.
Neighbour has a plug-in car, and having a sloping driveway, he always plugs it one way. We were watching him plug the car in when I said that’s because if he did it the other way round the leccy would run up hill and take longer to charge the car.
She thought about this for a bit, took a massive slurp of tea, looked at me and said “is that why a light switch clicked downstairs for the landing takes longer to go on? It has to go uphill?”
God I love that woman. Sharp as a tack.
 
Daughter's visiting this weekend. Her and SWMBO have been shopping this aft in town and I picked them up. On the way home daughter announces she fancies fish and chips for tea. Fair enough.

"Who's got some cash on them?" I asked, having left the house without any.
"They'll take card, won't they?" the daughter says.
"You're not in that there Lunnun now kid", quoth I.
Smugly.

For 3 of us it came to about £11. "HOW MUCH?!" daughter exclaims. "It'd be at least £6-£7 EACH in London!"
"You're not in that there Lunnun now kid", quoth I.
Smugly.
Again.
Cost exactly £6 for cod & chips in Manchester last week.

Exactly how bloody far north does one have to go, to get 3 for £11?!? I'm already halfway to the facking Arctic Circle.
 
Due to my diabetes going a bit odd, resulting in high sugar in my urine, a yeast infection started in my more sensitive bits.
Saw the doc, no problem, given a cream to use twice a day. More pills for the diabetes, but that is not relevant here.

Mentioned it to SWMBO.

SWMBO: "You'll have to be more careful about your personal hygiene then"

KD: "I already shower every evening, and some mornings, what are you talking about?"

SWMBO: "You'll have to take more care, wash it every morning"

KD *anything for a peaceful life* "Yes my Love"


Next morning, I am just finishing washing my knob in the wash hand basin in the bathroom, and starting to dry it on the hand towel , when SWMBO comes in.

SWMBO just stands and stares.

SWMBO: "You disgusting PIG!" "What are you doing?" (SWMBO's voice is rising to a near supersonic screech by the end)

KD: "Washing my pet, just washing"

SWMBO stares, glares slams door and stalks off.


Honestly. Sometimes there's just no pleasing them.
 
Due to my diabetes going a bit odd, resulting in high sugar in my urine, a yeast infection started in my more sensitive bits.
Saw the doc, no problem, given a cream to use twice a day. More pills for the diabetes, but that is not relevant here.

Mentioned it to SWMBO.

SWMBO: "You'll have to be more careful about your personal hygiene then"

KD: "I already shower every evening, and some mornings, what are you talking about?"

SWMBO: "You'll have to take more care, wash it every morning"

KD *anything for a peaceful life* "Yes my Love"


Next morning, I am just finishing washing my knob in the wash hand basin in the bathroom, and starting to dry it on the hand towel , when SWMBO comes in.

SWMBO just stands and stares.

SWMBO: "You disgusting PIG!" "What are you doing?" (SWMBO's voice is rising to a near supersonic screech by the end)

KD: "Washing my pet, just washing"

SWMBO stares, glares slams door and stalks off.


Honestly. Sometimes there's just no pleasing them.
it was probably her ''face '' towel.:oops:
 
Due to my diabetes going a bit odd, resulting in high sugar in my urine, a yeast infection started in my more sensitive bits.
Saw the doc, no problem, given a cream to use twice a day. More pills for the diabetes, but that is not relevant here.

Mentioned it to SWMBO.

SWMBO: "You'll have to be more careful about your personal hygiene then"

KD: "I already shower every evening, and some mornings, what are you talking about?"

SWMBO: "You'll have to take more care, wash it every morning"

KD *anything for a peaceful life* "Yes my Love"


Next morning, I am just finishing washing my knob in the wash hand basin in the bathroom, and starting to dry it on the hand towel , when SWMBO comes in.

SWMBO just stands and stares.

SWMBO: "You disgusting PIG!" "What are you doing?" (SWMBO's voice is rising to a near supersonic screech by the end)

KD: "Washing my pet, just washing"

SWMBO stares, glares slams door and stalks off.


Honestly. Sometimes there's just no pleasing them.
She probably thought you were pissing in the sink. Again.
 
Due to my diabetes going a bit odd, resulting in high sugar in my urine, a yeast infection started in my more sensitive bits.
Saw the doc, no problem, given a cream to use twice a day. More pills for the diabetes, but that is not relevant here.

Mentioned it to SWMBO.

SWMBO: "You'll have to be more careful about your personal hygiene then"

KD: "I already shower every evening, and some mornings, what are you talking about?"

SWMBO: "You'll have to take more care, wash it every morning"

KD *anything for a peaceful life* "Yes my Love"


Next morning, I am just finishing washing my knob in the wash hand basin in the bathroom, and starting to dry it on the hand towel , when SWMBO comes in.

SWMBO just stands and stares.

SWMBO: "You disgusting PIG!" "What are you doing?" (SWMBO's voice is rising to a near supersonic screech by the end)

KD: "Washing my pet, just washing"

SWMBO stares, glares slams door and stalks off.


Honestly. Sometimes there's just no pleasing them.
It's curtains for you dear boy, CURTAINS.
 

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