how bone is your missus.

Last night SWMBO announces she is going to the big city to do some shopping so I alerted the head Sherpa to get his lads ready for the expedition.

I asked where in the city she was going and with her reply asked if she would pick up a set of wind shield wipers for my truck as the shop was in the same mall area she was going to. I told her I'd order on-line, give her the printout and all she needs to do is take it in and pick up the wipers.

Now then, I know what she's like when she goes shopping so I told her that so she wouldn't forget to pick them up I would tape the printout to the dash so she would always see it when in the truck.

Yep you've probably guessed it by now, she arrives home with Sherpas in tow all bent backed with a ton of the shite that takes her fancy when out on the retail therapy. The Sherpas drop all the her purchases off and she starts going through her stuff and showing me everything and telling me what bargains they were.

I let her finish and ask if my wipers are still in her vehicle, she stands there with that stunned cnut look they get and I can see her mind ticking over. " You didn't tell me what shop it was" says she, "FFS it's right there at the top of the page in big fecking letters" says I.

"Well I forgot to look at the page when I got into my truck" says she. "How the hell can you miss an A4 piece of paper hanging off your dash?" I asks. "I just did okay", "I had a really nice day out with Kate and you have to spoil it"

So once more everything is my fault, how the feck to they manage to survive for so long? Nature being as it is they should die before the age of thirty.

Edit to add that I've just cancelled the wipers, re-ordered them and having them mailed to me.
Kill her now.

Build a nice new patio.
 
She's telling me about a friend of hers who's successfully done a charity walk up a Welsh mountain...
"That's great babe, which one?"
"Kilimanjaro".
"Errm... do you mean maybe Snowdon?"
"Ah yes, that's it".
 
However my ma recalls multiple bayonet fittings that powered, heaters and all sorts of stuff including a radio rentals TV.
Until pretty recently I had a couple of those bayonet connectors squirreled away as they came in handy, including a bayonet adapter which took a two pin plug and used to be for an electric razor. We used to use them for things like the fairy lights at Christmas as they could be plugged into a spare bedside lamp.

Very handy, until I realised that not a single light fitting in the house has a bayonet fitting bulb anymore so they are completely useless.
 
Dear God , please give me strength

this morning at the shops "why don't you just use contactless , instead of putting the card in and then the number , it's a lot quicker, it's only for £3 ?"
she burbled something about fearing for the security of the card if she did that "anyone could use it if she did that
my head is still spinning , trying to make sense of that statement, I tried to get her to explain , she just told me to fuck off

she has HND in business admin,
 
Dear God , please give me strength

this morning at the shops "why don't you just use contactless , instead of putting the card in and then the number , it's a lot quicker, it's only for £3 ?"
she burbled something about fearing for the security of the card if she did that "anyone could use it if she did that
my head is still spinning , trying to make sense of that statement, I tried to get her to explain , she just told me to **** off

she has HND in business admin,
Hey! Amongst other things, I have an HND in Business Studies :) .

Seriously, I would NOT mention that in any way as a mitigation for the accused ;) !!
 
Hey! Amongst other things, I have an HND in Business Studies :) .

Seriously, I would NOT mention that in any way as a mitigation for the accused ;) !!

she's from Dundee............................nuff said
 
A few days ago I was taking the gruppenfuhrer and the fruit of my extremely over active loins to see some old lighthouse down near where we live, as we are making our way down some small country lanes towards it she comes out with this gem...

"So I wonder if this lighthouse is close to the coast"

My look of complete ridicule answered 50% of question with a swift follow up of

"well if they (lighthouses) are not close to the coast then they tend to be called lamp posts"


It's a good job she has massive chebs.....
A good story, and I did give you a funny.

These chebs, could you PM photos?
 
A few days ago I was taking the gruppenfuhrer and the fruit of my extremely over active loins to see some old lighthouse down near where we live, as we are making our way down some small country lanes towards it she comes out with this gem...

"So I wonder if this lighthouse is close to the coast"

My look of complete ridicule answered 50% of question with a swift follow up of

"well if they (lighthouses) are not close to the coast then they tend to be called lamp posts"


It's a good job she has massive chebs.....
Be very careful she doesn't discover that 'Winking Willie', the light on top of College Hall at RAF Cranwell, is a registered lighthouse and the furthest away from the sea in the UK.
 
SWMBO had her new truck delivered this morning and took it out for a drive. On her return she is crowing about all the gadgets and safety features that it has. A part of the conversation is as follows.

Her "It has side airbags! Does your truck have side airbags?"

Me "Just the one, on the passenger side".

It took 20 minutes for the penny to drop. Mega sulk on now.
 
Oh...well that takes the cake then.
but now , after being away for 45 years , she at least speaks properly...............................except for pies, fucking pe s, where the fuck does that come from
 
SWMBO had her new truck delivered this morning and took it out for a drive. On her return she is crowing about all the gadgets and safety features that it has. A part of the conversation is as follows.

Her "It has side airbags! Does your truck have side airbags?"

Me "Just the one, on the passenger side".

It took 20 minutes for the penny to drop. Mega sulk on now.
There is a reason why more passengers end up dying in car accidents than the drivers
 
She's watching Judge Judy, whilst I do dinner, I spot a participant's name as I walk through, TOSHIBA, I'll let you guess the ethnicity.
Me: "Ha! Reckon she's got a daughter called Panasonic?"
Her: Tee Hee! And a son called Bentley."
Me: "What?"
Her: "Bentley, that's a car too."
Me: "The others are electronics manufacturers."
Her: "Oh no.":x
 
Not my missus, but she belongs to someone:

SWMBO came in after giving her morning Pilates classes and asked me if I could help one of her ladies who was stranded because, apparently, the battery in her car’s key fob had died, and she couldn’t get the physical key in the slot. I found her in distress in the car park, on the phone to her husband. She gave me the key fob ... strangely, a Jaguar can’t be opened with a Mercedes fob but can be opened with the Jaguar fob she had in her handbag ... and yes, she’s blonde ...
 
ANY opportunity to use a tool! Got my belt with generic petrol filled lighter in leather holder, generic multi tool in another leather holder and bunch of keys on return elastic thing.

Weirdly serrated edges defeat me. Brut force order of the day.
You are Captain Scarlet and I claim my 8 rupees
 

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