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how bone is your missus.

SWMBO does the opposite to the "bring a world of stuff" thing; she can't believe how much stuff can get into a bergen. Any trip involves a huge drama about "but I've got to have...it'll never get in" OH I DUN A FUNNY then I roll it up and pack it.
 
SWMBO - SB, the socket by the dressing table isn't working, can you have a look?

Me - Hmmm, correct, no light at the power switch on the extension, which (shame :rolleyes:) is plugged into another extension - 's OK, Spanish wiring innit.

Wall socket - check. 1st extension, check. 2nd extension......... the wire disappeared, came back and was plugged........ into the 2nd extension!
 
In our local Mitre 10 (Kiwi version of B & Q).
SWMBO is buying some seedlings (it's Spring down here) and I'm selecting some lawn weedkiller and a moss killer. SWMBO, having loaded up with her seedlings, has joined me at the weedkiller section.

SWMBO: "Why have you chosen that big bottle of weedkiller?" "It's expensive"

KD: "Because we've got a big garden my pet, and I need this much to spray it all"

SWMBO: "But we've only got a small garden" "You've bought too much"

KD: "We've got a small back garden, O Bearer of my Firstborn, but we've got a bloody big front garden, so I need this amount" "I've actually measured it"

SWMBO: "Oh"




SWMBO: "But that stuff doesn't work" "The weeds come back every year"

KD: "Yes my Precious, most weeds are perennials, and anyway, their seeds are everywhere, and they will come back"

SWMBO: "That stuff's too dear" "Won't this be better?" "It's much cheaper, AND I'VE SEEN YOU USE IT BEFORE" "It's called Glyphosate"

KD: "Quite right, O receiver of my Seed, but if I use Glyphosate on the lawn, we'll end up with a completely dead lawn, Glyphosate is a herbicide, it will kill ALL plants, including the grass"

SWMBO: (triumphantly)"So why doesn't that stuff (points to bottle of lawn Weedkiller in my hand) kill the grass as well?"

KD: "It's a selective weedkiller my Love, it won't kill the grass if it's applied properly"

SWMBO: (snorts in derision)"And how does it know?"

KD: "It depends on the leaf area for absorption, and the concentration of the weedkiller" "Grass is a monocotyledon, and wont be affected, but most of the other weeds are dicotyledons, with a larger total leaf area, so they will absorb more and die, right down to their roots"


SWMBO: "You've always got an answer to everything" "You think you're always right"

KD: "Yes" "Sorry"

KD: whispers to self "And 4 years of a Biology Honours Degree does help"
 
SWMBO - SB, the socket by the dressing table isn't working, can you have a look?

Me - Hmmm, correct, no light at the power switch on the extension, which (shame :rolleyes:) is plugged into another extension - 's OK, Spanish wiring innit.

Wall socket - check. 1st extension, check. 2nd extension......... the wire disappeared, came back and was plugged........ into the 2nd extension!
Mate of mine bought a house like that. The previous owners had built a little conservatory on the side of the house, which had a four-strip power bar on the wall it shared with the house. When matey plugged in his potable TV in the conservatory and it wouldn't work, some wiggly amp detective work revealed that conservatory power bar was wired into a plug, which was inserted into a wall socket in the main body of the house.
 
Mate of mine bought a house like that. The previous owners had built a little conservatory on the side of the house, which had a four-strip power bar on the wall it shared with the house. When matey plugged in his potable TV in the conservatory and it wouldn't work, some wiggly amp detective work revealed that conservatory power bar was wired into a plug, which was inserted into a wall socket in the main body of the house.
The current mrs_mush and I are coming to the end of a buy-to-let renovation. We knew it needed the full works as it was a probate sale and hadn't been refurbished since the previous owner bought it in the 50s'. The electrics were staggering. The house was fed by overhead cable spliced from the neighbouring property, and the fuse box just had 3 working fuses. All rated the same. The sparky we got in to do the rewire went through it all for us afterwards.

The three circuits were originally one lighting and two radial power circuits, but over time lighting had been added to the power circuits, and sockets added off lighting circuits. As each room originally had only one power socket, the owner had nailed what looked like a 4 way extension lead to the walls in various rooms, but they were designed to take something like a kettle lead, not a 13 plug. The mains cable was primarily rubber coated 2 core which had hardened and cracked over time, and when disturbed flaked off. There was some lead insulated cable under the bathroom floor which I suspect was for a water heater at some point. The lighting cables in the ceiling were all 2 core fabric insulated which again had largely disappeared over time (note: some of the rooms had brass lights - no earth. Oh and there were sockets in the bathroom. I suspect it was originally a bedroom as evidenced by the wall mounted light switch next to the bath.

Outside the earth spike had corroded and snapped. Not that it would have mattered. I mentioned that all the mains was two core cable. There was an uninsulated earth wire from the fuse box that ran separately to the first socket in the kitchen and then daisy chained on to all the other original sockets from there. Only it didn't. As it was buried in the plaster which suffered from damp as a result of the tiled kitchen floor having no damp proof course, the earth wire had corroded and snapped before the first socket. In effect nothing in the house was earthed, 50% of the cabling was uninsulated. Which meant any movement would probably have shorted the circuits. Fuses might have blown had they not had blown in the past and the previous owner, not having fuse wire to hand, just used nails in the ceramic cartridges instead.

As all the floors were original floorboards over pine joists with a fair amount of historical woodworm damage, and the ceiling and some of the walls were lath and plaster. The whole house was a fire waiting to happen. The sparky even took pictures of the electrics as he'd never seen anything like it in his career.

But the best bit of all was when we were reading the deeds and the history of the house (built early 1910'ish), we'd noticed the big builders depot in a mahooosive brick warehouse type building behind the house, next to the old electricity sub station. It was originally the turbine house for a power station - demolished in the 1950s' The house we'd bought was the power station managers house.

The gas - now that's another story!
 
But the best bit of all was when we were reading the deeds and the history of the house (built early 1910'ish), we'd noticed the big builders depot in a mahooosive brick warehouse type building behind the house, next to the old electricity sub station. It was originally the turbine house for a power station - demolished in the 1950s' The house we'd bought was the power station managers house.

The gas - now that's another story!
 
SWMBO - SB, the socket by the dressing table isn't working, can you have a look?

Me - Hmmm, correct, no light at the power switch on the extension, which (shame :rolleyes:) is plugged into another extension - 's OK, Spanish wiring innit.

Wall socket - check. 1st extension, check. 2nd extension......... the wire disappeared, came back and was plugged........ into the 2nd extension!
I've actually done that on the show floor building a Samsung Stand, 12 60" screens, non of us could figure out why they wouldn't work, lift em off the wall, yep cords are in, follow the wire, yep plugged into the show supplied power box, check that they were dropped into the floor supply yep they were, bear in mind it's a giant mess behind the booth, there are a ton of cords, our booth, the one behind and the two at the sides, many of them daisy chained together, at some point my ickle brain remembered I had cause to re-route one of the show boxes, I go trace the cord I changed, yep plugged in on the output, following the cord to the input I end up walking in a circle and straight back to the same box... Bollux, I quickly correct then nonchalantly announce that "some idiot" had screwed up but I had sorted it.
Yes, I was a hero :)
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
I'm stunned. Either there is quite a lot more going on that we aren't being told, or the woman is a complete (quite probably psycho) nutcase.
Fùck me, she's a tad sensitive! I refer to mine as SWMBO all of the time in texts, she reckons I know my place!
 
I ask you, how hard is it to butter bread slices for egg banjos so that they match when the bread is turned over?
That's crap buttering on the scale of my SWMBO, who believes that butter does not need to get anywhere near the edge of a buttie. Same with pickle, so a cheese and pickle sandwich has cheese across the whole sandwich with a blob of pickle in the middle.

She now knows better than to offer me such an abomination.
 

daywalker

LE
Kit Reviewer
A few days ago I was taking the gruppenfuhrer and the fruit of my extremely over active loins to see some old lighthouse down near where we live, as we are making our way down some small country lanes towards it she comes out with this gem...

"So I wonder if this lighthouse is close to the coast"

My look of complete ridicule answered 50% of question with a swift follow up of

"well if they (lighthouses) are not close to the coast then they tend to be called lamp posts"


It's a good job she has massive chebs.....
 
A few days ago I was taking the gruppenfuhrer and the fruit of my extremely over active loins to see some old lighthouse down near where we live, as we are making our way down some small country lanes towards it she comes out with this gem...

"So I wonder if this lighthouse is close to the coast"

My look of complete ridicule answered 50% of question with a swift follow up of

"well if they (lighthouses) are not close to the coast then they tend to be called lamp posts"


It's a good job she has massive chebs.....
cough
Aerial lighthouse - Wikipedia
 
Me sitting reading tonight.
SWMBO:
" Are you going to the gym tomorrow?"
Me: Aye, Bus Pass special into town 8.30
SWMBO:
"It's just I need the car...meeting Jane at the GC at 11am.
Me: Excellent.
SWMBO:
"So will you be back in time d'ya think?"
Me: What for?
SWMBO: "To take me"
Me: Dunno...but I'll ask the friggin' bus driver if he'll oblige.

Fuck's sakes.:mad: Be handy if she put the Iphone down and actually absorbed things......bless.
 
Me sitting reading tonight.
SWMBO:
" Are you going to the gym tomorrow?"
Me: Aye, Bus Pass special into town 8.30
SWMBO:
"It's just I need the car...meeting Jane at the GC at 11am.
Me: Excellent.
SWMBO:
"So will you be back in time d'ya think?"
Me: What for?
SWMBO: "To take me"
Me: Dunno...but I'll ask the friggin' bus driver if he'll oblige.

****'s sakes.:mad: Be handy if she put the Iphone down and actually absorbed things......bless.
Doesn't she drive?
 
Reading this thread sparked a memory from a story that my mum told me.
Fortunately she had not gone to bed yet and I asked her about it.
After the war and living in poverty at Paddington, in London her mum used to use a company called the fixed priced Lighting company.
Two bob a week, Ten pence in todays money.
Apparently you used to go down to the post office and pay the two bob every week.
They had a caveat on the form saying that we trust you will not misuse this service.

However my ma recalls multiple bayonet fittings that powered, heaters and all sorts of stuff including a radio rentals TV.
 
Last edited:
Me sitting reading tonight.
SWMBO:
" Are you going to the gym tomorrow?"
Me: Aye, Bus Pass special into town 8.30
SWMBO:
"It's just I need the car...meeting Jane at the GC at 11am.
Me: Excellent.
SWMBO:
"So will you be back in time d'ya think?"
Me: What for?
SWMBO: "To take me"
Me: Dunno...but I'll ask the friggin' bus driver if he'll oblige.

****'s sakes.:mad: Be handy if she put the Iphone down and actually absorbed things......bless.
It is so close to home that I cannot give that one enough likes.

OZ
 
Last night SWMBO announces she is going to the big city to do some shopping so I alerted the head Sherpa to get his lads ready for the expedition.

I asked where in the city she was going and with her reply asked if she would pick up a set of wind shield wipers for my truck as the shop was in the same mall area she was going to. I told her I'd order on-line, give her the printout and all she needs to do is take it in and pick up the wipers.

Now then, I know what she's like when she goes shopping so I told her that so she wouldn't forget to pick them up I would tape the printout to the dash so she would always see it when in the truck.

Yep you've probably guessed it by now, she arrives home with Sherpas in tow all bent backed with a ton of the shite that takes her fancy when out on the retail therapy. The Sherpas drop all the her purchases off and she starts going through her stuff and showing me everything and telling me what bargains they were.

I let her finish and ask if my wipers are still in her vehicle, she stands there with that stunned cnut look they get and I can see her mind ticking over. " You didn't tell me what shop it was" says she, "FFS it's right there at the top of the page in big fecking letters" says I.

"Well I forgot to look at the page when I got into my truck" says she. "How the hell can you miss an A4 piece of paper hanging off your dash?" I asks. "I just did okay", "I had a really nice day out with Kate and you have to spoil it"

So once more everything is my fault, how the feck to they manage to survive for so long? Nature being as it is they should die before the age of thirty.

Edit to add that I've just cancelled the wipers, re-ordered them and having them mailed to me.
 

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