how bone is your missus.

Surreal conversations are nothing unusual here, but we had a doozie yesterday.
When the Sky engineer put up a new dish for Sky Q, he said the new LNB didn't support Freesat and disconnected the 2 feeds, tucking them behind the new dish. No problem I thought, I'll put the old dish back up and reconnect.
The fucker bent it in half. For 2 years the tv's not had Freesat, no biggie.
That tv is now in my den and the replacement also has Freesat, but unconnected.
Last week, it came to pass that the bloke over the road, who's gone Virgin (not on the NHS) dumped his dish out for the pikies. My wife, (cursing herself to this day) told me.
"Ooh!" thinks I, "Free Freesat" and promptly pre-pikied it.
As It had come from a wall in the same orientation to the one it would be going on, it should be damn near pre-set.
I installed it and sure enough, the satellite was there, but at 50% strength and quality.
This is where co-operation from the Ludditette is required as I've never bothered with a satellite finder.
Installing her in front of the upstairs tv and opening a side window so we can shout at each other in varying states of anger, I carefully explain that I'm going to 'twist' the locked dish left, right, up and down and she's to tell me if the signal strength is better or worse. I set off out and back up the ladder.
Half way up I faintly hear "It's going up, it's going down, up, down."
"I'm not sodding there yet!!"
"What?"
This isn't working, not helped by shit music from a kids amusement park a few hundred yards away. I get a phone, press 'INT 1' and listen.
"Hello, is that you?" from the window, not the phone"
"PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON!!"
Now sort of sorted, I start twisting the dish about.
"Worse" twist the other way, "Worse" twist up "100%" I let go, now I know where it's got to go. "It's gone back to crap." I didn't bother to tell her why, waste of an explanation.

She has history on this. Checking her car out before its MOT one year, she was inside doing the switches ("where's the lights? which one does the washers? - she's a daylight, fair weather driver), I got her to put on the indicators:
Me: "They're working, now they're not, working, not", as per the old Irish joke.
"What are we going to do, the MOT's tomorrow!"
 
SWMBO doesn't watch football, UN---til the world cup, at the moment there is a
game on the box involving Germany [ I think, don't do football]
The last words she said "YOU DIRTY BASTARD" the games restarting,
I wait with bated breath

EDIT "It hit the bloody post"

EDIT The Germans have lost SWMBO is as happy as a pig in shit
She's Polish?
 
Surreal conversations are nothing unusual here, but we had a doozie yesterday.
When the Sky engineer put up a new dish for Sky Q, he said the new LNB didn't support Freesat and disconnected the 2 feeds, tucking them behind the new dish. No problem I thought, I'll put the old dish back up and reconnect.
The ****** bent it in half. For 2 years the tv's not had Freesat, no biggie.
That tv is now in my den and the replacement also has Freesat, but unconnected.
Last week, it came to pass that the bloke over the road, who's gone Virgin (not on the NHS) dumped his dish out for the pikies. My wife, (cursing herself to this day) told me.
"Ooh!" thinks I, "Free Freesat" and promptly pre-pikied it.
As It had come from a wall in the same orientation to the one it would be going on, it should be damn near pre-set.
I installed it and sure enough, the satellite was there, but at 50% strength and quality.
This is where co-operation from the Ludditette is required as I've never bothered with a satellite finder.
Installing her in front of the upstairs tv and opening a side window so we can shout at each other in varying states of anger, I carefully explain that I'm going to 'twist' the locked dish left, right, up and down and she's to tell me if the signal strength is better or worse. I set off out and back up the ladder.
Half way up I faintly hear "It's going up, it's going down, up, down."
"I'm not sodding there yet!!"
"What?"
This isn't working, not helped by shit music from a kids amusement park a few hundred yards away. I get a phone, press 'INT 1' and listen.
"Hello, is that you?" from the window, not the phone"
"PUSH THE ******* BUTTON!!"
Now sort of sorted, I start twisting the dish about.
"Worse" twist the other way, "Worse" twist up "100%" I let go, now I know where it's got to go. "It's gone back to crap." I didn't bother to tell her why, waste of an explanation.

She has history on this. Checking her car out before its MOT one year, she was inside doing the switches ("where's the lights? which one does the washers? - she's a daylight, fair weather driver), I got her to put on the indicators:
Me: "They're working, now they're not, working, not", as per the old Irish joke.
"What are we going to do, the MOT's tomorrow!"

Alternatively, you could have got the Sky engineer to fit a hybrid lnb which is good for both Sky Q and Freesat.
 
Burn the house down and flee the area. She has been replaced by an alien.
From Stepford . . . where they have the "compliant" wives ;) !
 
Well that was fun.
Met some friends in a not very good chain pub as it is equidistant from both couples.
All goes well until a group of young "ladies" appear with a number of small loud children. The children think the interior of the pub is a playground and the ladies do nothing to stop them running around and screaming.
Wife makes a comment and is turned on by a harpy, "Wot you would trip over a 3 woodja?" Wife replies "Only if it got near enough" with that a small amount of water is thrown in her direction.
I advise the thrower that this is assault and to desist. (Don't know if it is but she certainly wouldn't)
With that the women return to the play area and peace returns.
Why can't she keep her mouth shut?
(To my amazement the staff all took our part and mixed up/forgot various parts of the harpies order with much sniggering.
Harpy reappears to shout "facking shit pub this is, aint coming back ere!"
Staff seemed content with their day!)
 
Normally Mrs Dave has a banana and toast for breakfast (she's none too well, so I have to cater for her every need).........

Just now,
Me- Do you want some toast, petal?
Mrs Dave "I've just had a banana",
Me "and?????"
Mrs Dave "Yes please, can I have some toast".............

Fuck me, life is hard sometimes
 
Normally Mrs Dave has a banana and toast for breakfast (she's none too well, so I have to cater for her every need).........

Just now,
Me- Do you want some toast, petal?
Mrs Dave "I've just had a banana",
Me "and?????"
Mrs Dave "Yes please, can I have some toast".............

**** me, life is hard sometimes
Their brains don't work as quickly as ours due to all the multi-tasking* they claim to be able to do.





*Bugger multiple things up all at the same time.
 
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sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
So I am telling the boss that Grandchild is getting a guitar for her 9th birthday .
"Autistic or electric"she asks ......
 
Mine is the same, a very smart lady but not an ounce of common sense. I sometimes wonder how they manage to live so long.
Because rather stupid males nurture them.
 
="Blogg, post: 8623894, member: 20313"

I came home after shit day yesterday and got a "She said to me so I said to her...." monologue which I cut short after some minutes of tiresome wibble by asking:

"So what was the point/issue/problem?"

"Well there's no need to be like that. It was all very hurtful"

"What was?"

"I just told you!"

and sulked off.
Posted before but worthy of a re-run. Very pertinent to the way women tell stories.


Now well known to the missus who when starting down yet another labyrinthine tale of . . . . . whatever . . . . will be interrupted by me saying "WHO GOT SHOT!"
 
Because rather stupid males nurture them.
Curious: please expand.

My SWMBO’s father was certainly not stupid, being an engineer of some distinction, and an enlightened man who encouraged his daughter to study science. She has a dual-honours degree in genetics and microbiology, published several studies, became a senior practitioner in special needs education before retiring early ... her practical ineptitude is incredibly selective: yesterday she decided to toss something up the staircase and caught her forearm on the door frame - huge bruise. This morning, she pulled her hair drier out of the cupboard and the plug swung out and smacked her on the forehead - a bruise. This afternoon she tripped in the garden and barked both her shins on the stone border.

I may be stupid, but had little input to her nurturing. I did have some input to the nurturing of our two daughters, who are eminently sensible and practical.
 
Today Mrs B was to meet her mother at Paddington and take her to visit someone who is in hospital.

FFS, says I, your mother is just not up to it. Anyway tell her not overdress or she will expire in the heat.

Guess what? The old bat had set forth in a roll neck pullover and jacket because it was "chilly" this morning and by time she got to London was already parboiled.

Some time on the lovely underground and she is distressed. Add the joys of a crappy hospital and she is fit to keel over.

My phone rings. Can I come and pick them up.

From North London. And I am at the arse end of the M3 with a meeting looming.

Short answer. No.

And now somehow all the misery is down to me being difficult.

Gaaahhhhh!
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Curious: please expand.

My SWMBO’s father was certainly not stupid, being an engineer of some distinction, and an enlightened man who encouraged his daughter to study science. She has a dual-honours degree in genetics and microbiology, published several studies, became a senior practitioner in special needs education before retiring early ... her practical ineptitude is incredibly selective: yesterday she decided to toss something up the staircase and caught her forearm on the door frame - huge bruise. This morning, she pulled her hair drier out of the cupboard and the plug swung out and smacked her on the forehead - a bruise. This afternoon she tripped in the garden and barked both her shins on the stone border.

I may be stupid, but had little input to her nurturing. I did have some input to the nurturing of our two daughters, who are eminently sensible and practical.
Sounds like your Missus is just building up a case of battered housewife for the divorce courts! Has she been taking photos of all these bruises "that you gave her" * ?

* Wait until you get the papers and see! ;)
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
I've said it before on this thread but it is worth a re-run.

I love this thread as it reminds me why I am so happily divorced! :-D
 
Curious: please expand.

My SWMBO’s father was certainly not stupid, being an engineer of some distinction, and an enlightened man who encouraged his daughter to study science. She has a dual-honours degree in genetics and microbiology, published several studies, became a senior practitioner in special needs education before retiring early ... her practical ineptitude is incredibly selective: yesterday she decided to toss something up the staircase and caught her forearm on the door frame - huge bruise. This morning, she pulled her hair drier out of the cupboard and the plug swung out and smacked her on the forehead - a bruise. This afternoon she tripped in the garden and barked both her shins on the stone border.

I may be stupid, but had little input to her nurturing. I did have some input to the nurturing of our two daughters, who are eminently sensible and practical.
Sorry but I cannot be held responsible in any way for those who are clumsy/lacking common sense/accident prone.

If you are indeed stupid, on your own head be it.
 

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