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how bone is your missus.

That won't save you. It happened to me, I'd been working 12 hour days for the previous 3 1/2 months while she was doing her usual sitting on her arse on Facebook all day.

It was an genuine oversight on her part and I was an ungrateful bastard and she made sure that absolutely everyone knew that I'd forgotten. The cost of peace was a top of the range iPad and an apology posting on Facebook.

Sent from my Lenovo TB2-X30F using Tapatalk

Get divorced and never have to worry about fripperies such as Anniversaries again.
Strangely it was our second to last anniversary. Divorced, poorer but a little happier now. Also I get laid more frequently now than I did then.

Sent from my Lenovo TB2-X30F using Tapatalk
 
Get divorced and never have to worry about fripperies such as Anniversaries again.
I could not agree more, it was well worth the hassle and the money, I'm much happier far better off and I can please myself in every aspect of life.
Get divorced and never have to worry about fripperies such as Anniversaries, a house, an income, a pension, again.
It helps not marrying a money grabbing selfish bitch, my ex Mrs was happy with half the profit from the house, didn't touch my pension or try and stitch me up with access to the kids in fact we managed to sort out shared custody by ourselves, we get on better now than we did while married which is more than I can say for the bloke she's married to now.
 
Neither of us remember our anniversary, you would think that the 3rd of September would ring a bell but no.
The only person who does remember unfailingly wasn't even at the wedding. He sends a "Happy Anniversary" text every year, cheerful bugger.
 
17.00 Sunday. About to mooch off to pub for drink with bloke who thinks he might want to buy my son's car (fool...)

"Don't forget about the shower ceiling switch and my headlight"

WTF? News to me.

She had sent me a WhatsApp message Saturday afternoon when I may have been engrossed in watching the Rugby.

"Well did tell you."

Proceeded to get snotty because, even for an evil genius, it is generally impossible to materialise a 50Amp ceiling pull and a HID lamp out of thin air.
 
So the General says to me “ windscreen on my car is cracked, I’ve booked a home replacement for tomorrow. As you do fuck all can I use your car and you wait for the repairer?”
Of course says I, when is it booked for?
“Between 09:00 and 14:00hrs”

Today she takes my car and I’m on stag, just like the old days..... yes I cracked a quick one off to relieve the boredom. Anyway, 14:30 and no contact so I phoned the General in a killer rage - “I’ll call them” says she.

“Oh darling I’m not sure how I did that, it’s NEXT Tuesday!”

So I’ve pissed on her back car seat, stupid bitch.
 
She's reading something in her magazine, always a dangerous time:

"We still get on, don't we?"
:oops:..........."I think so"..............:oops:
"What do you think my worst traits are?"
"Gulp," (Long pregnant pause)
"If I have to say yours, it's being bloody awkward, and you know it's true. That and being dismissive about things; that infuriates me. Well, what is it, I must have one?"
"One, sweetie?"
"Is this going to risk us getting along?"

By now we're both laughing, so I went for it.

Me: "Well, always looking at things 'cup half empty', endlessly stating the bleeding obvious when you want me to do something (then a whole lot of minor crap I don't care about, before the kicker). Always justifying your faults when they're pointed out to you."
"But......."

Game, Set and Match
 
She's reading something in her magazine, always a dangerous time:

"We still get on, don't we?"
:oops:..........."I think so"..............:oops:
"What do you think my worst traits are?"
"Gulp," (Long pregnant pause)
"If I have to say yours, it's being bloody awkward, and you know it's true. That and being dismissive about things; that infuriates me. Well, what is it, I must have one?"
"One, sweetie?"
"Is this going to risk us getting along?"

By now we're both laughing, so I went for it.

Me: "Well, always looking at things 'cup half empty', endlessly stating the bleeding obvious when you want me to do something (then a whole lot of minor crap I don't care about, before the kicker). Always justifying your faults when they're pointed out to you."
"But......."

Game, Set and Match
Women's magazines are an operator's manual for men. Ban them from the house.
 
Last edited:
Firstly, apologies for the rather lengthy 'intro but, as ever, context is all.

Meaty Towers has two main parking areas, one to the front of the house which is huge and one to the side near the kitchen door which is more than adequate but is on a slope and is bounded on both sides by retaining walls, easy enough to drive into and, IMHO, out of.

For whatever reason Mrs MTV MkII is somewhat challenged in the psychomotor/proprioception dept and as a result I am frequently asked to "see her out" when she is reversing onto the track that leads to the main road.

As an aid to communication I have spent F******g hours, nay, days of my life teaching her AFV marshalling hand signals and what they mean - after all, I've taught her the NATO Phonetic alphabet over the last twenty years.

This morning's farrago was an absolute belter.

She's in the car, I'm standing in front of the vehicle, centrally placed so that I can see fully left, right and centre.

Use the engine start signal - she complies.

Use the straight back signal which she starts to comply with then ignores completely to such an extent that the front left wing is a fag paper's width away from the retaining wall. Hand slap on the bonnet then use the hard down signal which she follows.

Get vehicle re-positioned for the reverse, use the straight back hand signal, she complies, she stops complying and this time the opposite wing is in danger of getting 'dinged.

Re- marshall into sensible position for reversing.

By now my curiosity is piqued, so I wandered over to the vehicle, tapped the window which was lowered and the following conversation ensued:

Self: " I am at something of a loss, my dear, to understand that when I am standing in front of the car and can see how much clearance it has far better than you that you appear to choose to ignore the hand signals I make at your request in order to help you reverse your car out?"

MRS MTV MkII: " I'm the driver of the car so I decide when and where to turn."

Went inside and fed the 'Labs.
 
In the early days of my relationship with my future wife I initially made the mistake of taking notice of her road skills.

While I was driving, waiting to pull out at a junction she would say "It's clear on the left".
My mistake was listening to her and not actually looking as once I was half way across the junction she would add "If you're quick".
I hasten to add that this mistake was only made a few times before I learnt the error of my ways.
I suppose it could be said that I was the bone one for taking notice.
 
In the early days of my relationship with my future wife I initially made the mistake of taking notice of her road skills.

While I was driving, waiting to pull out at a junction she would say "It's clear on the left".
My mistake was listening to her and not actually looking as once I was half way across the junction she would add "If you're quick".
I hasten to add that this mistake was only made a few times before I learnt the error of my ways.
I suppose it could be said that I was the bone one for taking notice.
I've never taken a passengers word for it.

It usually goes thus:-

"Clear left.........clear left.........clear left..."

"Getcha fuggin head outta the way, dammit!"
 
In the early days of my relationship with my future wife I initially made the mistake of taking notice of her road skills.

While I was driving, waiting to pull out at a junction she would say "It's clear on the left".
My mistake was listening to her and not actually looking as once I was half way across the junction she would add "If you're quick".
I hasten to add that this mistake was only made a few times before I learnt the error of my ways.
I suppose it could be said that I was the bone one for taking notice.
I think we all have a similar story - we live on a very busy road and I wind the windows down to listen to the traffic noise, a skill which has improved over the years.

Cue me winding her side window down, turn radio down, listen.........Mrs Dave winds window up "because the wind is cold and I'm freezing!!" Consequently, I have to explain why (every time) and ask her to bear with me until we get onto the road.
 
Firstly, apologies for the rather lengthy 'intro but, as ever, context is all.

Meaty Towers has two main parking areas, one to the front of the house which is huge and one to the side near the kitchen door which is more than adequate but is on a slope and is bounded on both sides by retaining walls, easy enough to drive into and, IMHO, out of.

For whatever reason Mrs MTV MkII is somewhat challenged in the psychomotor/proprioception dept and as a result I am frequently asked to "see her out" when she is reversing onto the track that leads to the main road.

As an aid to communication I have spent F******g hours, nay, days of my life teaching her AFV marshalling hand signals and what they mean - after all, I've taught her the NATO Phonetic alphabet over the last twenty years.

This morning's farrago was an absolute belter.

She's in the car, I'm standing in front of the vehicle, centrally placed so that I can see fully left, right and centre.

Use the engine start signal - she complies.

Use the straight back signal which she starts to comply with then ignores completely to such an extent that the front left wing is a fag paper's width away from the retaining wall. Hand slap on the bonnet then use the hard down signal which she follows.

Get vehicle re-positioned for the reverse, use the straight back hand signal, she complies, she stops complying and this time the opposite wing is in danger of getting 'dinged.

Re- marshall into sensible position for reversing.

By now my curiosity is piqued, so I wandered over to the vehicle, tapped the window which was lowered and the following conversation ensued:

Self: " I am at something of a loss, my dear, to understand that when I am standing in front of the car and can see how much clearance it has far better than you that you appear to choose to ignore the hand signals I make at your request in order to help you reverse your car out?"

MRS MTV MkII: " I'm the driver of the car so I decide when and where to turn."

Went inside and fed the 'Labs.
I feel for you.
Years ago I taught mine to reverse by mirror; I'm still teaching.
The space for her car on the drive is bounded by my Alfa and a tree, with about 3' of spare air betwixt.
Reversing on requires pointing the nose of the car at our neighbour opposite's house name, straightening the wheel as you stop. The car should then be in a position where a clearance can be seen in the mirrors each side. If not you can adjust as you come back. Not a problem.
Except........ I have to be present, preferably in the car to keep replying to the "Is that it?""Should I be to the left or right of Margaret's drive?""Am I going to hit the tree/Alfa?"
No matter how many times I say "If you can see clearance down the sides in the mirrors, you're OK", it doesn't sink in.
When it's all lined up and I tell her "OK, back at that", there's always a further movement left or right that sends the nose towards tree or Alfa.
Don't let me start on what rapidity of "beep" to stop reversing.
God knows what will happen if they ever let them vote.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
I've never taken a passengers word for it.

It usually goes thus:-

"Clear left.........clear left.........clear left..."

"Getcha fuggin head outta the way, dammit!"
In that case do not try being a rally driver.
 

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